Page 36 of Protect

“You two never talked about it?” she asks.

“No, I had to hold on to some pride, I was humiliated at the time.”

Teddy doesn’t say much, she just nods so I continue rambling.

“I compared every guy to him for a long time. I wanted to feel with someone else what I felt with him but I never did. Thenight of the prom I stayed home and cried in my room. I found out that he went with my nemesis, Kyleigh Miller. It was like the final nail in the coffin. I think I never let go of that because I got itsowrong. It really made me question my judgement in every relationship after. Maybe because I never knewwhy,” I tell her as I eye the kids while they play. “Kyleigh was always so mean to me and he told me he didn’t even like her as a person. But it made sense on paper for him to take her instead of me.” I shrug “It just really hurt me back then.”

“Why?” Teddy asks. “What made you think that?”

“She was popular, gorgeous, thin, everything I thought I wasn’t.”

Teddy purses her lips into a straight line, and I know she’s mentally kicking my butt for the lack of self-esteem I had back then, especially since I always encourage her to boost hers.

“I had to see pictures of them all night long on social media. It was torture.” I shrug. “I mean, it wasn’t like we talked about being exclusive, but I know I was falling in love with him, I had been for a long time. We just had a crazy connection. I’m not sure I ever felt like that again, even with T-R-O-Y.” I spell it out so Hollie doesn’t know who I’m speaking about.

Teddy adjusts her position on the sofa. I remember being that pregnant, never comfortable for more than five minutes. “Despite your lackluster teenage view of yourself,” she says, “I have to think you wouldn’t waste your time now with someone who wasn’t worth it.”

I shrug, grateful to know Teddy and to have a sounding board that isn’t my mother—who it seems is pro-Rowan at all times.

“He was always a great guy, that’s why it never made sense. He was constantly at my house with Jacob and he never treated me like I was an outcast. But after that I had to get away from him. The summer after senior year I left for university. I was only home from school for a year before Jacob died, and whenhe did, I knew I had to get out of here. That’s when I moved to Seattle, met Troy, and you know the rest from there.”

“Something just doesn’t add up, and”—Teddy looks at me in thought—“I never want to hear you talk about yourself like you aren’t enough again.”

I raise a hand in defense. “Speaking in past tense. I was an insecure kid then, you know I embrace who I am now, curves, crazy hair, and all,” I say with a wink.

“Good, I was about to have to”—she holds a fist up, narrowing her eyes like she’s about to clock me—“tickle you.”

I laugh at her Momglish.

“You have to hear his explanation out, Vi.” She sets down her empty glass on the end table.

“I think the last few days since he’s been in the hospital, he’s been trying. It’s me who’s hesitating…”

Teddy looks out the front window at the trees swaying in the early summer breeze.

“Maybe he was just a kid who made a mistake? Maybe there’s more to it than him using you…maybe it has to do with you, but maybe it’s not about himoryou.” She runs a hand over her very large baby bump. “The only way you’ll ever know is bylettinghim explain. Of course, that means you’d have to admit he really hurt you and that you care enough to listen.”

I blink in thought. “That’s the hard part. I have this habit of brushing things under the rug. And I’ve definitely done that here. I buried it, but never really got closure. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“Things aren’t always what they seem, Vi,” she says wisely. “And you can’t truly get over things until you face them.”

I shake my head. “I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. I don’t even know him anymore. This is twelfth grade all over again.”

“Because you like him. That much is clear,” Teddy offers.

I shake my head. “Ican’tlike him. I follow a strict rule. I don’t date hotshots. Namely because the idea of getting close to someone who risks their life everyday by just going to work is too close to trauma I’ve already lived through. Add in that he didn’t care about meandhe hurt me once already? He’s a double threat…” I trail off.

She nods, understanding all too well the risks that come with getting close to someone with a dangerous job.

“I get it, but, Vi, I have to say… for a guy who never cared about you, he sure seems to be making an effort.”

The doorbell rings before I can answer her and I’m grateful for the distraction to just think.

“Pizza!” Dalton cries and the girls cheer. I get up and answer the door while Teddy gets the kids paper plates to eat from and gets them all situated at the kitchen table with drinks and napkins. We sit at my kitchen island.

“This is the last thing I’ll say. People change, they make mistakes. I haven’t really known you too long, Vi, but I can tell by the way you look all gooey when you talk about him that you owe it to yourself to see if you can forgive him.” She takes a bite.

“I don’t look gooey,” I say defensively.

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