Page 116 of Protect

I smile as the steam rises around us, still in each other’s arms, tangled together, the way we’re supposed to be—twin flames. Brought together by fate, some science, and maybe a little help from the protective spirit who forever lives in my heart.

OCTOBER - THREE MONTHS LATER

“Pancakes!” Rowan calls from the kitchen to Hollie, who comes running as fast as she can. She’s gotten used to Rowan being here over the last few months whenever he’s home. It’s been a busy season and he’s about to leave tomorrow to head to Arizona.

He’s been gone quite a bit, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Every time he leaves I struggle, but when he has been home, he’s been here, which Hollie seems to love.

Lazy mornings on his days off before the afternoons at a park or the beach, visits to my parents or his for dinners are typical. Fire season is coming to an end, and this morning we’re going to tell Hollie some news, so Rowan is making her his famous chocolate chip pancakes.

I come wandering out behind her having just woken up too. In a matter of weeks, Rowan will be home for the off season. He’s already decided he’ll be working as a part-time medic for those months and the rest of the time he’s going to spend with me and Hollie while he can.

Those six months of the year where he’s home are already something I know I’ll look forward to every single year, but the months he has to be gone are just part of him. I’ve figured out through a shit ton of self-reflection, and through long talks with Teddy and my therapist, how to accept that and just be grateful for every day.

Rowan’s unending love has taught me to live in the moment. I smile when his eyes meet mine. His hair is a little longer after a busy summer and he’s wearing a white Seahawks T-shirt that fits tight on his upper arms, his sweats, and the icing on the cake? A dish towel slung over his shoulder.

What a fuckable man.

“Here you go, bud,” he says, flipping two pancakes onto Hollie’s plate and then spreading some butter on them. He carefully adds syrup and takes the time to cut her pancakes up. He’s a natural with her and she can feel it. That’s why some days I think she loves him more than I do. When he slides her plate over to the other side of the island and she climbs up on the stool, his eyes meet hers and he smiles. That same gooey warm feeling I’ve been having for months takes over. His eyes turn back to mine and he grins.

“Morning, Mommy,” he says. “Pancakes?”

“Of course,” I say, pouring myself a coffee then, taking a seat beside Hollie.

“Gotta eat up. Daddy is coming to take you apple picking this afternoon. Remember?” I remind her.

She nods. It’s nice to say that to her, knowing he actually will show up, barring any real emergency.

Since Troy’s car accident, he’s actually turned over a new leaf. He settled on an agreement right away, and now he comes every single Saturday to see Hollie, without fail. He still works six days a week, but he hasn’t missed one visit since the week he left the hospital and Hollie is blossoming with her new routine and all the people she has to love her.

Once Rowan has served himself some pancakes we eat in silence for a few minutes. I take a bite and look at him across the island telling him it’s time.

“So, Hols…” I say to her. “You like it when Rowan is here with us?”

Hollie smiles at Rowan and nods.

“I like when the whole team is here,” she says, meaning the three of us.

“I like being here with you and Mommy too,” Rowan tells her. “So much that…I wondered if I came to stay with you and Mommy all the time, would that be okay with you?” he asks her.

Hollie looks at us in question. “Will you get into love?” she asks.

I stifle a laugh, she’s way too smart for only having just turned four.

“Yes, wearein love, baby,” I say to her. Trying to give her just the right amount of info.

“Daddy is always gonna be your Daddy, and Mommy is always gonna be your Mommy, but if you’ll let me, Hols, I can be someone who loves you too,” Rowan tells her, and I struggle not to tear up as I ask myself how this incredible man is all mine.

“Okay,” she says. “Can we watchSuperPetsevery night?” she adds looking back and forth from Rowan to me, like it’s of the utmost importance.

“Of course, baby, just like we do now,” I say to her, kissing the soft top of her head.

“Will you make popcorn?” She looks at Rowan. “You make it yummy with the butter.”

Rowan chuckles. “Of course I will, Hols,” he says.

“Okay,” she says, satisfied with that in her little mind. She leaps into Rowan’s lap, catching him off guard and hugging him. He looks at me for a split second, realizing this is her approval, and his large hand strokes her curls for a second and he kisses her on the top of her head. She doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to. It’s obvious how much she loves him too. I smile at Rowan. He smiles at me as Hollie gets down from the island and scampers off to the living room and her toys.

“That was easier than I thought,” Rowan says, coming around the counter to wrap his arms around me. “Was hella nervous, though.” He grins, bending down to kiss me.

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