Page 96 of Riot

He thinks he was protecting me.

“I’m already covered in filth, Riot.”

“Don’t fuckin’ say that.”

“I dream about him.” Shame eats at me, ugly and persistent. “They’re nightmares, really. Horrifying ones.” My chest heaves, but the air won’t reach my lungs. I feel raw, like I’ve been scraped over nails. “Every time I close my eyes…” I hate the way my voice cracks, like once again I’m the girl who used to flinch when someone raised their voice or got too close.

This time, he does touch me, and I don’t pull away. That tightness in my chest loosens a little.

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“You don’t get it, Riot. He’ll never stop hurting me. Alive. Dead. My wounds don’t heal, and one day, you’ll find out every dirty little detail of what he did to me.” I swallow down the lump clogging my throat. “And you won’t be able to deal with the ways I let that monster ruin me.”

His forehead presses to mine, like he’s trying to hold us together, but I’m already cracking apart. “Those doubts, those fears you have, they’re not yours. They’re his. He planted them inside you, and you have to rip them out.” I lean into his touch, unable to stop myself. I don’t feel steady right now.

“All I hear is his voice.”

“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life replacin’ that poison, Vee. I’ll tell you every fuckin’ minute of every day who you really are. You’re fuckin’ strong and you’re beautiful, inside and out.” He exhales slowly, measured, as if he’s trying to keep control. “But if you need time, I’ll give you it. If you need to be held, I’ll fuckin’ hold you. What I’m not doin’ is walkin’ away and leavin’ you to deal with this.”

Every word is what I’ve always wanted to hear from him.

“He’s really gone?”

“Yeah.”

A tear rolls down my cheek, and I don’t stop it.

“I’m scared.”

He pulls me against him, cupping the back of my head. “I know, baby. I know. But you don’t have to be. Nothin’ will touch you.”

“How did he… how did he die?” Nausea churns in my gut.

“Babe, you don’t need to have that shit takin’ up space in your head.”

“How?”

“I’ll give you anything you ask, burn cities to the fuckin’ ground, but I ain’t givin’ you new nightmares. It already kills me that I wasn’t in a position to protect you from him.”

My chest cracks.

“It’s not your fault.”

“No, but it doesn’t change how I feel.” He sighs. “There’s a safe house across the city. Know I don’t have the right to ask you to trust me, but I’m askin’ it anyway.”

I wish I had time and space to figure my feelings out, but all that matters right now is keeping my daughter safe.

“Okay.”

Relief washes over him. “We’ll stay there while we figure out who’s behind this.”

“What about Maylie and Toby? I can’t just leave my brother and sister.”

“Mace’ll take care of them.”

“But—”

“This fuck ain’t after them. He’s after you.” The brutal truth is a hammer to the gut. “You bein’ around them puts them in danger.” I flinch, even though he’s right. “You don’t have to forgive or forget, Vee, but we fix this first. Then, we fix us.” He hesitates. “If there still is an us.”

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