Page 115 of Must Have Been Love

SKYLER

“Are you sure you want to leave?” Jesse asks as the ferry approaches the mainland. He’s not working today but he insisted on traveling with me when I drove to his place to ask if he could look after The Salty Dog while I was gone.

For the whole ride we’ve been sitting on the hood of my car. He’s holding my hand, watching my face warily, like he doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sure.” I nod. As soon as I woke up this morning I knew I had to get out of here. I can’t think properly, I can barely breathe.

If in doubt, run.

That’s always been my motto. It’s kind of ironic that I’m proving Hudson’s point. I haven’t changed, not like I thought I had.

Still the same old Skyler who can’t stay in one place for long.

“I don’t like it,” he murmurs as we dock. “You could come and stay with me. Are you sure he didn’t say anything to you?”

“Nothing awful. He just made it very, very clear that we’re not compatible. Maybe he’s right.”

Jesse’s jaw tightens. So does his grip on my hand. “I could come with you,” he says. “I feel like I’ve only just found you and now I’m losing you.”

I turn to look at him. Today, with his hair falling over his face, he looks a little like Dad. “You’re not losing me. I just need a few days away from the island to think.”

“Promise me you won’t make any rash decisions,” he says. “That you won’t leave the area without seeing me first.”

I press my lips together, because even though I’m trying so hard not to hurt anybody, it feels like every step I take causes pain to those I love. “I promise,” I say, meaning it. I’ve booked an Airbnb on the mainland. Ironically, it’s on the coast with promised ‘Liberty Views.’

But I know I won’t bump into Hudson there. Or even Autumn, who is so lovely but also his sister and I can’t bear for her to be caught in the middle of this.

“And then?” Jesse asks. People are getting back into their cars. I can see the lines of vehicles on the road ahead, waiting to drive on just as soon as the ferry’s empty. They’re probably excited about a trip to the island. Playing on the beach, walking around the town. A drink at The Salty Dog.

Maybe some of them will stay at the hotel. Maybe they’ll see Hudson Fitzgerald’s stormy face when they’re walking through reception. And they’ll never know what it’s like to make the tightness in his jaw dissolve into a smile. They’ll never know what it’s like to feel him chuckle when your head is resting on his bare chest.

They’ll never know what it’s like to love him.

I touch my stomach, thinking of the tiny cells that are growing there. One of the reasons why I’m leaving is so that I can think about this some more.

It’s also one of the reasons why I know I can’t go far. I’ll need to tell him face to face about the pregnancy. And I’ll need to do it soon.

And then?

Jesse’s question echoes in my mind.

“I have no idea what happens after that,” I say, in answer to him and myself. And for the first time in my whole life, not knowing my future makes me want to throw up.

* * *

“I have chocolate, I have chips, I have whiskey, and I also have a notebook so we can plot the demise of every asshole who’s hurt you, starting with Hudson Fitzgerald.”

Lee strides into the Airbnb that I rented, pulling a little suitcase behind her, looking like she hasn’t just traveled across the entire US to see me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her, taking in her warm face, her dark hair tied back in a low pony tail. She looks tired and so much like Mom it makes me want to be a child again.

To climb into her lap and sob.

“Jesse called.”

“I only left him four hours ago,” I say. “And I’m pretty sure you can’t get here from California that quickly.”

She lets go of her suitcase and cups my face with her hands, her gaze taking me in like she’s trying to assess my sanity. “I booked a ticket yesterday. After you told me Ayda was missing. You sounded so alone. And then I arrived at the airport and saw I had a missed call from Jesse.”

---