Page 92 of First Puck

“It’s already too complicated.” I pushed out the words. “We can’t just put stuff back in a box like we did last summer.”

“Why not?” Brad asked, and the air vanished from my lungs. “I just don’t want things to be weird between us, you know? You’re my best friend; I don’t want to lose you just because we got hot and heavy on a trip.”

I sighed, blowing at a loose hair away from my cheek. “Why is that more important to you than getting drafted? It’s what you’ve wanted since we were kids.”

“No,” he said as he stepped closer. “It’s whatwe’vewanted. Together. Me and you. And I thought that meant something to you.”

Brad said there were other scouts who had wanted to talk with him, but he rejected them all straight away for the Wranglers, just like I did last year.

He didn’t have to choose them; he could still go with another team. If I told him now, before he made a definite choice, then wouldn’t it be easier for him?

But that’s what I told myself after prom, and I chickened out then, too.

“Brad, I can’t do this with you. I don’t even know what’s going on. If this is just because you're jealous of Lance, then you’re the one who has to sort that out.”

Brad moved his head back, like he needed to get a better look at me.

“What are you talking about?”

“We only started doing this because you thought I was with him. I told you we’re not together, and you’re still acting like this. So, what’s going on?”

“I dunno.” He shrugged, that blank look coming back to his face. “I just thought you’d be happier about me getting drafted, you know? I thought we’d hang out or do whatever, but you went off and chose Lance.”

Which was totally reasonable. But the entire time I was with Lance, I desperately wanted to go back to Brad. Even though that wasn't a good enough reason.

But I’d never seen Lance cry before. I’d never seen him do anything other than smirk and tease and command the energy of the room to his advantage. And seeing him so vulnerable was more than unnerving, especially when Porter was wrecked as well. But they wouldn’t tell me anything more about what had happened with Lance’s mom apart from the coma.

“Okay, fine. That’s fine. I’m sorry, alright? I don't want to fight with you, so can we just make up like we used to when we were kids?”

“Seriously? That’s it?” I asked numbly. I still hadn't felt like I apologised either, but, even after everything that we'd done together, all he could say was “friends”.

“Yeah, that’s it. What else do you want me to say?”

Something snapped inside me, and hot fury sped through my body as I yanked my hand from his wrist.

It just kept hurting. Everything kept hurting and I could own up to it here, before Brad accepted his offer and we set our fates in stone. I didn't want to spend my professional hockey career on the same team as the guy who rejected me after years of pining.

Brad was the only one who could make me so frustrated like this, but I didn't think I’d ever get the words through his thick skull.

“I’m not doing this with you, okay? Friends with benefits or fuck buddies, or whatever. It’s too much for me. You’re getting all excited about the fact I’m a virgin, but what about when I’m not anymore? I don’t want to be with someone who loses interest in me once they’ve got what they achieved their fucking goal.”

“Be with someone?” His brow creased again. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yeah, I mean it.” I pressed my hand to my forehead, avoiding him as the words rushed out. My heart beat so hard it tremored in my voice. “It might be a surprise to you, but I actually want to be with someone. I want to have a relationship where I’m not just something to fuck.” I pressed my lips together, giving myself a breath as I lowered my hand into a clenched fist. “I want to be loved, Brad. So, if you’re just getting wound up because you’re worried I’m going to be taken away or something, just stop it. Don’t give me anything to hope for, it’s too much.”

“Alex… What are you talking about?”

Fear exploded through me as I realized how close I was to saying it, and jumped back from him. Telling him I loved him when we were arguing had been one of my scenarios, but I never wanted it to happen like this.

“If I’m just an excuse for you to get your dick wet or to experiment with another guy for the ‘first time,’ I’m not interested. Just leave me alone, okay?”

He let me go, his arm falling to his side as the confusion on his face deepened. Like every other time, disappointment chokedme as it swelled in my chest. I stepped away from him, hurrying down the stairs.

I had to get into my room quickly so I didn’t run back to him and beg him to fuck me.

Alex

Ididn’t know how long it had been before the handle of my bedroom door twisted. The sun had finished setting, and I must have dozed off on top of my bed.

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