Page 72 of Isle of Pain

“Turns out, I’m not the only one who felt unseen and chose alcohol as a way to make themselves feel better,” she says brightly.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Her laugh dies and I feel like an asshole but she needs to know there’s nothing wrong with her and she is loved exactly the way that she is.

“The self-deprecation shit.” I take her hand in mine and thread our fingers together before giving it the back of it a kiss. I pick up Ember and sit her on my lap. Immediately, Marie relaxes and plays with her, almost fearful to take her in her arms. “I adore you exactly as you are, Marie. And Ember does, too. Don’t you, Bibi?”

“Baba.”

We both gasp at Ember’s first word, or babbling or whatever the fuck that was. Our gaze collide and my cheeks hurt from smiling so wide. Fireworks shoot up my spine and my heart ratekicks up in my chest. I haven’t done anything but it feels much more monumental. Any resentment loses its grasp on my brain as I watch Marie interact with her daughter.

“Say that again, Bibi. Can you say ‘baba’?” Marie asks and Ember repeats the word, over and over, laughing and clapping her little hands.

“Andrea has been trying to have her say ‘zio’ for weeks now,” I tell Marie.

“Well.” She straightens up and caresses my cheek in a tender move. “‘Baba’ is actually close to ‘babbu’, which means ‘father’ in Kalliste. I wouldn’t be surprised if Giulia tried to teach her that while I was away.”

I don’t need for my daughter’s first word to bebabaorbabbuto know that I’m her father but it’s touching nonetheless and definitely something Giulia would do. She’s never fully forgiven herself for what happened to me earlier this year. I press a hand to the bullet wound at my chest, the phantom pain throbbing with the emotion rising inside my ribcage. Ever since Marie and Ember entered my life, there’s been a lot of that where it used to be all dead and quiet as winter night. Can’t say I mind.

Our laughter dies down and I clear my throat, unsure how to approach this.

“You lied to me, Marie.”

She drops her gaze and it makes me feel uneasy. That’s not how it should be between us but there’s no other way for me to broach the subject than be brutal about it. “I’m proud of you for doing what you needed, but you didn’t talk to me. I thought I was important to you,” I say and for the first time in my life, my throat clogs with something I don’t recognise. Like the emotions are going to take over.

Marie turns her front to me and lands a hand on my thigh, running three circles in one way and three the other, until my shoulders drop slightly.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Her voice cracks. “I was spiralling, and thought I was gonna be a danger to Ember. I needed to come here and take care of my disease. I… I’ve been so used to being disregarded. I thought it was better this way.”

“After everything I’ve done for you, I thought you knew how much I love you. What I would do for you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I place my hand on top of hers to stop her motion and lift her chin up with the other. There’s so much pain in there and I know she’s my mirror. “I just need you to be okay,” I whisper. “That’s all that matters to me.”

“Once I’m better, I will prove to you everyday how much I love you, too, Nico Capaldi.”

The words land inside me. Soothing. Tempting. But I’m not sure I can believe her.

She leans forward to kiss my lips and I let her but I don’t deepen the kiss. Instead, I change the topic, uncomfortable with not knowing how to heal from the pain she caused me yet.

“I’m not the only visitor you’ll have today,” I tell her and she quirks a brow.

“Is Gigi here?”

“No. Giulia isn’t coming.” Before I have time to regret letting her sister into her life when she is vulnerable, I tell her why. “Lana is.”

Marie’s head snaps up. “What?” Then, she recoils slightly and I wince. Definitely not my best move but I’m out of my depth, not for the first time. Marie has the right to make choices and decisions for herself and I would hate myself if I were to prevent her from being the leader of her own life and own healing. “What does that mean?”

“When you admitted yourself here, I was… doing my job. We got to Misha Petrov’s second and found out where he was hiding. So we called Lana. She found out you were here that night andknew you’d be able to have visitors now so she flew again a few days ago, waiting for you.”

She sighs, her back hitting the chair. She looks older all of a sudden and I hate this for her. “You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to.” I clasp her thigh with my tattooed hand. I don’t think I’m doing this for her. Maybe it’s for me. To see the evidence of who I am to her. Because what if after she speaks to her sister, she leaves, this time permanently? What if she takes Ember with her?

Marie’s soft hand lands on mine. She starts to tap on top of it. Three. A pause. Three. A pause. Calming me in my favoured way. When I peer up, she has a distant look, like she’s lost to her thoughts. Then, she must come to a decision. She squares her shoulders. Her eyes are harsher as she declares, “I want to see her. It’s time. I don’t want this to fester inside me any longer.”

After another kiss that should have lasted longer, and a warm embrace with Ember squished between us, I tell her I’ll be back tomorrow and get her sister, praying to a God I don’t believe in that I made the right choice, and that the feeling of betrayal I have inside won’t become its own monster.

40

MARIE

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