Page 57 of Isle of Pain

“No.”

I close my eyes. But even then, tears rise up and fall on my cheeks. I don’t wipe them away. “I don’t want to feel like this,” I croak.

“Then, what do you want?”

I expected accusations and yells. Instead, his tone turns soft and almost pleading. It brings me back to last night. In a matter of seconds, it morphed from the best night of my life, a high so euphoric I thought I’d never come down, to one of the worst. But that’s what I do. Self-destroy. It started so long ago I wonder if I ever was anything but a disappointment to myself and my loved ones.

“I want to be better, for Ember,” I start. I glance up and Nico’s intense amber eyes are on me, calm on his striking features. The piercings I love so much on his nose and lips catch the light of the sun shining shyly outside. Maybe that’s what makes me brave. Or maybe it’s just him. “And I want to be better for you.”

I frown and he shakes his head. “Don’t you want to do it for yourself?”

I’m stunned into silence. I’m not high on my priority list. I’ve never been. “I lived for Lisa. Even when I was already drinking, I would keep it under control so I could take care of her. Before her diagnosis, she was a trouble maker, always.” The memories rushing in my mind make me smile.

Ember finally turns to me and smiles widely at me, breaking my heart all over again, as her little arms seem to reach out for me. Nico moves to sit next to me, handing me my daughter. Her baby hair is so thin on her little head. I hug her close to my chest, and continue. “When I look at Ember, it reminds me that I’m not strong enough.” My voice breaks but I soldier on. “I want to have a family, Nico. I want to give her brothers and sisters, buthow am I supposed to do that when I’m so messed up, when I’m already failing and she’s barely six months old?”

“Luna mia.” Nico threads his fingers through mine as Ember tucks her little head against my chest. “You are the most selfless person I know. You’re also the saddest person I know.” A chuckle-sob escapes me. I can always trust him to give me the hard truth. “You haven’t dealt with Lisa’s death and you haven’t dealt with how your family’s behaviour made you feel.”

“When did you get so attuned to emotions?” I half-joke.

“I might not always recognise them, but I understand the concepts and physiology. And you’ve been my favourite subject for a while now. Dissecting everything going through your mind is fascinating and heartbreaking all at once. You need to take care of yourself, Marie. Because I love you and I love Ember and I need you to not lose that battle. I can’t lose you.” His voice is urgent and his fingers tighten around mine.

My nose tickles as fresh tears leak on my cheeks. “I don’t deserve your love.”

Before I can say another word, Nico’s lips crash onto mine. I taste the salt of my tears and the fresh bergamot of the Earl Grey Tea he loves to drink in the morning. Below all of that is that dark obsession that makes me weak at the knees. I lose myself to the kiss, until I take over and dominate him with my tongue, clasping my hand at the back of his head to keep him where I want him. This kiss tastes like the love he proclaims to feel for me. Maybe I can believe him.

Hope blooms and spreads from where our bodies touch to reach the deepest, darkest corners of my ribcage.

When we pull away from each other, we’re a little out of breath and grinning like fools in love.

“I need you to be honest with me, Marie. When you want to drink, you need to tell me if I’m close, text me if I’m away. I’ll always be in your corner but as much as I observe you, I can’talways know what’s on your mind. Don’t lie to me or keep me out.Please.”

It’s the plea that breaks the dam. I nod, dropping my forehead to his. “I’ll get outside help. And I’ll text you or tell you. I hate it so much when I lose control,” I sigh.

“Do you think that’s why you love dominating me so much?”

It’s an honest question and one I haven’t taken the time to contemplate. I stand and place Ember on her bed in the alcove behind us for her afternoon nap, before walking to stand in front of the massive window. The field of Scottish Bluebells is now barren, the little blue flowers gone for the winter. The forest around Nico’s house is a mix between green and grey, between the trees that never die and the ones that lose all their leaves come the cold season. In a few months, flowers will bloom again. I don’t want to be the only one stuck into the grey, like cast into ice.

Muscled tattooed forearms snake behind me to settle around my middle. Nico’s head rests in the crook of my neck, our cheeks fused together. His acceptance of my silence, of my need for time to process is a gift and despite his warm embrace, it’s hard to believe I’m worthy of it.

“I think I love your submission because for once, someone I care about defers to me to make decisions, even if it’s just sex and intimacy.”

Nico hums deep in his throat and the sound travels through me, lighting me up from the inside out. “And you look hot on your knees for me, baby.”

His hands clench on my stomach. I turn to face him, framing his face with both my hands before I kiss his full lips again. I push his body until he walks backwards and lands on the sofa.

“It’s gonna take time,” I say, looming over him, laying my soul to his delicate care.

His hands glide up the back of my thighs, so at odds with how we started. Now, Nico always finds ways to touch me, and I love it. “I’ll be right here, Marie. Lean on me.”

I straddle him and slide my tongue back into his mouth, our bodies fused together until there isn’t any space between us. My heavy breasts are pressed against the hard planes of his chest, the glide of his nipple piercings against my own making me moan. I rake my nails down his neck and he shudders underneath me, becoming pliant, a willing victim to satiate my growing desire. I can’t stop rolling my hips over his hardening cock, seeking friction on my needy clit, driven to madness with the need to have him back inside me.

How I ever thought that alcohol could beat this feeling is beyond me. The primal part of my brain takes over as I discard my pyjamas and paw at his own joggers and soft tee-shirt, until I settle back on top of him, completely naked.

The warmth of his skin is like a balm over my bruised soul, his lips soft and seeking on the column of my neck and chest. He licks, bites and kisses my body while I writhe on top of him, covering his length with wetness and need.

“You’re gonna be a good boy and give me your cock, aren’t you, baby?” I breathe against his lips.

“Yes. Yes, Miss Marie. Anything for you, just please fuck me,” is the needy answer that comes out of his lips. His pupils are blown dark and when I notch the head of his cock at my entrance, we both hold our breath, exhaling heavily while I drop onto it like my life depends on it.

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