Page 48 of Isle of Pain

“Oh. Of course. I’m sorry. I guess I’m used to hiding,” she says as she sits on the sofa and I take my place next to her. Her hands wrangle together on her lap before she passes her palms on her jeans a few times. I guess she does need the comfort of the gesture before she continues. I wait with bated breaths. “When I was young, like twelve or so, I hid a lot in my house so I could listen in on what the adults were talking about. I nevergot caught eavesdropping and it felt good at first, like I was good at something. Then, I realised it’s because I’m invisible. When I started drinking, at sixteen or seventeen, I started hiding in plain sight. It’s easy. My family drinks a lot of wine at parties and dinners. After a while, the less they saw, the more I drank and the more I drank, the bitter I became. And now I can’t stop. Because it helps with the pain, you know.”

“You haven’t drunk in a while though,” I say. She’s been with me for three weeks but except for a few glasses of wine at dinner with my family, and the occasional low alcohol beers I keep in the fridge so she doesn’t feel the negative effects of going cold-turkey without medical supervision, I haven’t seen her sneak alcohol into the house or drink, and I’ve been watching her constantly.

“I actually had miniatures in my suitcases and I drank them all by now. The past few nights have been restless. I’m on edge and I really,reallywant it.” Her voice cracks at the admission. “But I’m alone here with Ember so I can’t indulge. As much as I trust you, it’s the first time I realised how much she needs me. And she needs me sober. But it’s constantly on my mind. Except tonight.” Once again, she dips her chin down with what I believe is shame. “And I know you lost someone, too. You lost your father, yet you didn’t turn out like I did,” she croaks.

“Marie, look at me.” Her eyes meet mine, full of fat tears and red with pain. “I have this urge to kill people because every time I do, I imagine it’s the man who made me an accomplice to my father’s murder, and I make him pay over and over again. I did not become an alcoholic, no. But I’m the bigger monster.”

“Is this why you need to hurt, Nico? Do you think you deserve it?” she asks, her face softening.

“I do. If it weren’t for me, my father would be alive. I’m the one who let the man I thought was a friend into our house that night. My parents were away. I don’t know what he did buthe left with a condescending slap on my cheek. And that night, a fire started in the house and no alarm went off. My father died from inhaling too much smoke and my mother ended up in a wheelchair because a roof beam fell over her. Andrea had already left the nest and was in his apartment in London, so he wasn’t there, thankfully. But I walked out without a scratch, Marie. I deserve to atone for this for the rest of my life.”

“When was this?”

“Ten years ago.”

“You were sixteen,” she exclaims as she shifts on her knees and frames my face with her soft hands. There’s nothing she can say that will make me change my perspective. I’ve seen therapists. I’ve worked on my guilt and my grief. And I transformed it.

“It was my fault. And every time I have to clench my teeth in pain, I’m reminded of it and I feel like I’m paying my dues. I learnt to take pleasure from it, too, and I have no interest in changing, Marie. Don’t ask me not to love the pain.”

She shakes her head gently. “That’s not what I’m saying. If you love to be whipped, that’s one thing. I’d love for you to not associate it with your father’s death, one day. That’s all.”

She drops her hands and laces them with mine in between us. Silence hangs, but it’s not heavy. I’m not sure what to say so I don’t talk. All I know is that she’s not fully understanding me, but at least she doesn’t want me to change and that’s enough for me.

I’m eager to cuddle with her, Ember close by. When I started considering Ember like mine and started needing her as much as I need Marie, I’m unsure. But I convince Marie to pick her up from Andrea and Giulia’s even though it’s the middle of the night.

When we get there, Luca DeRossi is leaving and Giulia introduces him to Marie. My brother’s lawyer doesn’t keepbusiness hours so it’s not a shock to see him there, though I’d think he’d rather be wrapped in his new wife.

Marie and I don’t linger once Ember is wrapped around her front. As we walk the way back, it almost feels real when visions of other kids running around us assault me. Marie round with child, claimed by me, at my side. The idea has my cock rising uncomfortably in my jeans but I can’t stave off the sudden and new need to breed her. If she’ll even allow it. I hope she does. I could groan out loud imagining it but I focus on opening the front door instead.

When we get back to the house with our daughter, we settle together and Ember falls back asleep in Marie’s arms. She links our fingers together and watches the TV screen I’ve never used before, a film called Moulin Rouge playing in front of our eyes. It’s a lot of singing and I don’t care much for it so I watchtheminstead.

I like having Marie here. And I like that living with a baby is so regulated with rules and a time for everything. Ember is fed a bottle every three or four hours no matter the time of day or night. Which means she wakes up crying during the night too, but after I understood what she needed that first time, it hasn’t bothered me. I haven’t worked up the courage to feed her myself so I let Marie get up instead, and always follow, hovering behind them. It always creates a pang in my chest. Marie also always tries to bathe Ember at the same time, 5 pm, every day, creating another routine element that I can latch onto. Then, there’s the morning nap and the afternoon nap.

“Can you pause the movie?” Marie whispers, as though she doesn’t want to wake up the bundle in her arms.

I straighten and click pause on the remote. “What is it?”

“I really need to pee,” Marie giggles and the sound goes straight to my heart.Am I having a heart attack?I’m too young and healthy for it.

“Okay,” I answer, unsure what that means for me.

Marie’s shoulders shake with restrained laughter. “Nico, take Ember.”

I’ve held her before. So many times in fact but every time, her fragility hits me in the chest. I take Ember in my arms and raise the bottle to her little mouth. I don’t know why I was so anxious about this because it’s so easy now. She’s a greedy babe, I noticed and clasps the sides of the bottle with her tiny hands. In the past month, she’s become so much more expressive and her eyes crinkle at the corners.

“She likes you,” Marie says from behind me when she returns, and it’s my turn to smile.

“Who wouldn't?"

Marie’s mouth drops open and I know I did the teasing right.

“Nico Capaldi, are you mocking me?”

My cheeks hurt and warm when I answer. “Only if you like it.”

Marie plops back on the couch next to me and rests her head on my shoulder. “I likeyou,” she says, and it sends my heart into overdrive.

Before I can get distracted by her lush lips and sinful body that I now know every dimple and curve of, I delve into the conversation we need to have.

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