Page 74 of Isle of Pain

“Does that mean you’ll include me in the family decisions?”

“Of course.”

She doesn’t hesitate and that somehow lifts a weight off my shoulders. After years of thinking I needed to fight for a scrap of attention, even if some day will be harder than others, this little proof of love and acceptance from the people I thought shun me away is everything. I can’t wait to tell Dr Linberg all about it.

“I’ll miss you, Mimi,” Lana says and I glance her way again.

“You know?” I ask. We haven’t talked about my plans but I won’t come back to Kalliste.

“I suspect,” she simply answers with an indulgent smile. “If you love him. If you’re happy, that’s all I want for you.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” I tell her. “It’s only a three hour flight.”

When she stands and hugs me to her, the embrace is different than the first. It’s less about unsaid words and open, festering wounds. I close my eyes and breathe her in, ready to turn the page on that resentment and take it day by day with her and my parents. “Lisa would be so proud of you,” she whispers against my ears then kisses my cheeks and leaves.

Fresh tears coat my cheeks but I don’t wipe them away.

41

MARIE

FAMILY DINNERS ARE FOR FOOD AND TEARS

“How do you feel about tonight, Marie?” Dr Linberg asks from her seat in front of me in her warm office. Weeks ago, I’d have answered something basic I thought everyone wanted to hear. “Good”, “Happy,” even though none of these answers were remotely true. I thought by hiding myself, I was protecting myself from being rejected for not being okay. In my mind, it was a necessary lie to make myself small and make sure I wasn’t a burden to anyone I’ve ever loved. I’m learning I don’t need to do any of that. But it’s a process.

I ponder the question of my psychiatrist, whose frameless glasses are perilously falling down her aquiline nose. She waits with kind blue eyes, never pressuring me despite how long I take.

“I’m anxious. I know the family dinner is a safe space for me but they enjoy wine and I know they’ll probably make sure there’s none on the table, but it feels like they have to make adjustments. For me.”

Dr Linberg hums softly. I can almost hear the question underneath.And don’t you think you deserve the adjustmentsmade for you?“I do think it’s a good thing if they do and it will make me feel seen, even though I’m also ashamed that they have to.”

A shiver runs up my spine and I shake my shoulders to dislodge the unwanted sensation. Thinking of alcoholism like a disease and something that hinders me rather than something I chose and that was “mine” has helped me heal tremendously. I’m only on the first step of my program and will have to stay within the facility for another three weeks but tonight will be the first time I go out since I admitted myself.

After my sister’s visit three weeks ago, I called an emergency meeting with Dr Linberg, and we decided I needed to be here longer, take it slow and focus on healing rather than “getting out”. Reframing that mindset has helped me feel less guilty towards Ember and I know Nico, Giulia and Andrea are taking amazing care of her. I see her everyday and miss being her care-taker but the long process is helping. I’m confident I can take care of her now.

When Nico told me that Lana, Julian and Lisandru were coming over this weekend to finalise the plan to go after Misha Petrov, I wanted to surprise them. My therapist thinks tonight is a great idea, under certain conditions. Nico is picking me up and bringing me back before 11 pm. Worse than Cinderella but I don’t mind. The routine I’ve created here has also helped with sleeping. I dream of Lisa every single night and wake up in tears.

Without the cover of alcohol, it’s like I miss her so deep the marrow of my bones call out for her. But I miss Ember even more. And Nico. How infallible he has been, taking everything in stride, showing up here even when I couldn’t receive visitors. I know he’s in pain and needs me to reassure him that none of my decisions were because of him or what he did or did not do. I want to be his rock as much as he has been for me.

The ghost of my sister lingers above me but behind the grey shroud of her presence is so much life. And I want to be part of that, I want to be part ofthemmore than I want to join Lisa.

“I still feel so weak sometimes,” I muse.

“In regards to alcohol or something else?”

“I could relapse, that’s for sure. But mostly, like I’m not good enough for my daughter and for Nico. He has suffered so much and I believe I’m adding to it instead of helping enrich his life.”

“Have you talked to him about how you feel?” Dr Linberg asks and it makes me cringe. We did talk but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say.

We wrap up our session with a promise to talk to Nico and get the reassurance I obviously need directly from the source. I paint my eyes with black eye liner and use a pink gloss on my lips, feeling pretty in the mirror for the first time in a long time. The light in the bathroom of my room is harsh but my cheeks have natural colours, my skin clear and bright. I twirl like a school girl as I put on my midnight blue dress.

Knuckles on the open door of my room draw my eyes to the man standing there.

Nico looks painfully beautiful in a black cashmere sweater and his dark jeans over his black leather boots. Only the tattoos on his knuckles are visible and I take my time taking him in. I know I saw him just a few hours ago, but somehow this moment means something to me. Something different.

“Hi,luna mia.”

“Hi,” I answer shyly before I close the distance and kiss his lips in a chaste touch. “I miss you.”

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