Page 35 of Isle of Pain

Half the bottle is empty between us and I relax into the comfortable sofa. Silence settles but it’s not heavy with unsaid words. It’s companionable and helping me quiet the demon talking on my shoulder about how much of a liar I am, how I abandoned my family, how Lisa would be ashamed of me. Maybe it’s because Giulia isn’t my sister or because she looks like me, yet not. Whatever it is, my lids droop and I exhale the worries away.

“So, you want to tell me why you fled like the whole of Kalliste was on fire,ciucciarella?” Giulia asks, voice serious and unyielding.

I scoff, reminded how much her and my sister Lana act alike, unused to being told no. Not that I necessarily want to lie furtherto the only person in my family who’s never made me feel like a failure and a cast-out.

“You lasted—” I look at my golden watch, a present from my mother on my twentieth birthday, “—fifty minutes. Must be a record for you.” My lips pull up into a smile but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes; the slight frown on Giulia’s freckled face confirms it. “Listen, you’re not gonna like what I have to say so why don’t I spare both of us the trouble. Besides, all I say will be held against me next time I see Lana.” I mumble the last part under my breath.

“Is that what you think? That whatever you have to say, I will repeat to your sister, like I’m her pet? You wound me, bitch.”

“Well, you’re best friends. I know you talk every day,” I counter like my defence is irrefutable. I straighten up, ready for battle, and Giulia softens in turn. It makes me want to fight even more.

“Marie, I love Lana. She’s my best friend. But you’re my cousin, too. And I love you, too. If you fought with her and that’s why you’re here, that’s between you and her.”

“Everyone always chooses her side.” I look down to my wine. Maybe if I don’t look at Giulia, she won’t find all my weaknesses and judge me for them. Why would people not side with Lana, anyway? She’s the beacon of our family. She’s strong, loyal. I know she loves me. I merely hate that she thinks I’m not capable of raising my kid. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

The maroon liquid swirls in my glass. I’m aware of Giulia’s movements as she stands and drops her sleepy niece in her bed behind us in her little alcove. When she’s back to sit in front of me, she takes the glass, placing it aside, and holds both of my hands within hers. Her intent green eyes, a little clearer than mine, hold me captive, love shining in them in a way I’m not used to. In a way I’m undeserving of.

“Babe, you know what your sister did for our family.”

I cut her off. “Of course, I do.” It’s hard not to remember that abuse and neglect my sister lived through during her first marriage. I never wanted someone dead as much as I did her first husband, then.

“Let me finish,” she admonishes and I press my lips shut, blushing with embarrassment. Giulia has that authority shit down to a science. “Lana did what she had to do. And today, she’s doing what she thinks is best. It doesn’t mean she’s right every time. There’s a lot happening, right now, Marie.”

“I wish I knew what that meant,” I tell her, sniffing, the tears mounting in my eyes, a reminder that I’m the only one excluded. As always. Especially now that I have Ember. I let go of Giulia’s hands and pick up the glass, downing it in one large gulp before pouring the rest of the bottle into it.

“Is that what this is? You want to know we’re going to war?”

“I’m not throwing a tantrum!” My voice rises. Of course, that’s the conclusion she’d go to.

“That’s not what I said. Let me ask you this. Would you still be on Kalliste if Lana had included you in her plans?”

I asked myself that question before. But it’s not only the isolation that made me leave. There were so many deciding factors. My mother suffocating me with her pitying look, the absence of my sister across the room from me and my incapacity to move on, everyone looking at me like I’m incapable of raising a child, like I’m throwing my life away because I’m choosing her. As if I even had a life to begin with. The thought is ridiculous.

And then, there’s Nico. The man I barely know who told me he was a safe haven and I decided to believe him and just left.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. My chin wobbles and I look away. The alcohol that made me mellow earlier is turning into ice in my system, tasting like regrets and bad choices. “Maybe it’s just about me, you know. Maybe I want to do something for myself, away from everyone.”

“Yet you want to know what’s going on with the war against the Bratva?” Giulia asks, her head tilted to the side like she can’t make sense of my words. I can barely make sense of it, but yes. That’s what I want. I want to understand who I am, without my family breathing down my neck. I want to be part of the decisions that will impact me as well, even as they try to keep me away from harm. I want the choice to walk away from a meeting that talks about death and crime and pain. I want agency.

“Is it too much to ask to have it all?” I look at her then and she smiles softly at me, before it turns conspiratorial.

“Of course not, babe. That’s your birth-given right.”

She clinks her drink to mine, and the conversation digresses to easier topics like if Ember sleeps or if I like England. Considering I haven’t even stepped foot outside the four walls of Nico’s house, except to stand on the patio, overlooking the field of Scottish bluebells, I’m not sure. But her questions emboldens me to want to explore. If I didn’t come here to escape my old life, but discover who I am and build a new one, I’m afraid this place won’t be enough to do that, though I already know Nico will probably help me do exactly that.

“Well, tonight is Friday and on Friday, we host the Capaldi Friday dinner,” Giulia tells me with pride. She can’t cook for shit though. I raise a brow. “Of course I don’t cook. I do what I do best, look pretty and entertain.” My laughter comes easily this time, melting the pinch in my chest. “Come with Ember. Nico never misses it so he can drive you or walk you. We’re only a mile away and the road through the forest is lovely and illuminated with fairy lights. Oh, and Catalina is going to love you and Ember.”

As she continues to ramble about her mother-in-law, who sounds like an amazing woman, I get a tingly feeling in my heart. Suddenly, it’s like the ashes that made up the composition of the organ blow away with the hope of what I could build here.But there’s still something hovering between us, something Nico mentioned before he left.

“What happened between you and Nico?” I ask Giulia and she startles.

“Did he say anything?”

“No, he mentioned it in passing and said it wasn’t his story to tell.”

Giulia sighs and puts her glass on the coffee table, getting up to face the bay window like facing me is too much to bear. I let my feet hit the ground again and rest my elbows on my knees, waiting for what I feel isn’t a pleasant tale.

“I was assaulted by my ex a few months ago.”

---