Page 29 of Isle of Pain

Nico leans forward, his hands hovering over the sides of my knees. He flexes his knuckles three times. He does things in three a lot.

“Yes, Miss Marie. I said anyway you like,” he finally answers.

I glance at his hands still hovering over my skin.

I wonder how that would feel. How his slander fingers will run their way up my legs, awakening goosebumps or heat. If he will go up or around to caress the abundant flesh until he finds the place where my legs meet my ass.

My breaths come out in pants, anticipation making me feel warm and drunk and needy. I want him to do what I say, to give me what I want and do it with a smile. I don’t understand it but maybe I don’t need to.

“You can touch me,” I tell him.

Nico hesitates and swallows hard and doubt slams into me. I jerk back, like someone doused me in cold water.

“You don’t have to! Forget it, it was stupid.”

I take a step back, then two, wrapping my arms around myself. The need to flee, to escape is so strong I almost bolt out the door.

Nico remains seated, giving me all the power once again. I can decide how to handle his rejection. The answer is not well.

Ember chooses this moment to wake up and wail and I rush to her, grateful for the reprieve from Nico’s unflinching gaze and attention. I scoop my daughter into my arms, smelling her hair. That brings my nervous system back into reset almost immediately but I still sense his presence behind me.

“I’ll make a bottle,” Nico offers and I close my eyes.

He’s too kind and I’m a fucking mess. I’m a highly functioning alcoholic with suicidal thoughts who can’t talk to her family for shit, with a baby who needs me and won’t have a stable home to grow up in and be healthy and happy. I’m gonna fuck her up and yet, I can’t let her go. And Nico, he’s so… sweet and gentle and nice. Why is he so nice to me? Can’t he see that I should be in a mental institution right now, sedated and medicated, with my baby in my family’s care so she actually grows up to be happy? I don’t deserve to have him, in any way. Not a friendly way. Not a whatever-happened-just-now way. I don’t even deserve to be in his house.

“Here,” Nico says behind me and I jump, gasping loudly.

He moves like a wraith.

I thank him and take the bottle, shushing Ember as she laps up at it.

“What do you need, Marie?” Nico asks, staying close to me even as I try to keep my back to him. I can’t deal with the pity that will inevitably show up in his eyes.

“For you to leave me alone.”

“Okay. Before I go, can you tell me why you freaked out just now?”

I huff. Now I’m getting angry. I almost laugh when I turn to him, dreaming of slapping his pretty face. The alcove is dark, the light from the main room barely reaching the corners here. He fits right in. I’m sure many have pissed themselves in terror because of the man in front of me. All I want to do is put him in his place. I’m pathetic but I’m not to be mocked.

“You rejected me, Nico. And I get it. I’m a mess and I have a kid. I told you not to play games with me earlier. Don’t insult me by asking the fucking obvious.”

His eyes widen but other than that, he doesn’t give away any emotion. He gently shakes his head but I think it’s more for my sake than an actual reaction.

“Marie. I didn’t reject you. The truth is I’ve never wanted to touch someone as much as I want to touch you. But that takes time.”

The only sounds in the space around us are the suckle of Ember. There’s usually always a low buzz of electricity in the air. A fridge or microwave that emits a frequency barely noticeable to the common ear. But its absence is deafening. In the silence, I hear my heart beating in my ears and could almost perceive the blood flowing through my veins. I try to understand Nico’s meaning but my mind blankets. And I need his words. His honesty helped before. I need it now.

“Continue,” I ask.

“I don’t like touch, Marie. I don’t touch people I don’t know, barely touch the people I love so when you said I could touch you, even if that’s what I want, I don’t know if I can.”

“Oh.” I didn’t consider that. Relief floods through me. I actually relate to that a lot. I’ve never wanted anyone to touch me like I want him to.

“And I’m not playing games, either. Some non-verbal cues are harder for me to understand. That’s all.”

“Oh.”

“You already said that,” he chuckles. His eyes soften and I relax a little more. Ember fusses in my arms and I focus my attention on her again, helping her with digestion with gentle taps on her back before changing her.

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