Page 107 of The Devil and His Goddess

Harper

I BRACED A HAND ON the barre as I tried to catch my breath. I’d just finished a solo set fromDancing in the Dark, but the performance was horrible. From my technique to the emotional portrayal, I’d been severely lacking, and the defeat crushing my lungs nearly threatened to send me back to the dark place I’d been working hard to climb out of.

It had been a few weeks since Christmas with Perseus and my family. Ever since then, I’d been determined to regain my strength, to touch up on my dance technique, and to remember who I was. I’d been functioning as though Drake had taken my life from me, and in a way, he had. He’d taken my joy for the things I’d once loved. He’d taken the love I had for the world. He’d taken the love I had for myself.

I was finally ready to take those things back.

And it was thanks to Perseus.

I knew this past month of watching me wither away hadn’t been easy on him. He could’ve given up on me and told me to leave his ballet company. He could’ve kicked me out of his house and told me to stop makingmyproblemhisproblem. Instead, he chose me. He’d been patient with me, he’d held my hand through the hurt, and he’d given me something to fight for—ballet, my family,him.

Was I back to my old self? No, not by a long shot. And I was starting to think I never would be. The cut across my soul would always be there. It would scar eventually, fading into a memory, but for now, the gaping hole was still there. Thankfully, the bleeding had stopped enough for me to tend to the wound.

Dancing was my first step in that healing process.

That was easier said than done, though. Technique practice, exercises, and warm-ups was all I could manage to do at first. It took weeks to muster the courage to begindancing. When I did, I started with easy choreography and combinations, working my way toward the harder stuff. Today was my first day attempting to do arealroutine, and I’d been failing miserably at it.

Shaking off the previous try, I restarted the dramatic and melancholy song, which depicted Psyche traversing the Dark Wood after fleeing from her village. Malak and other characters were meant to pop up here, interacting with the wandering and broken-hearted human. I pictured the scene and the emotion behind it, yet as I moved through the steps, I realized that wasallI was doing—movingthroughit. I wasn’t feeling what Psyche felt or embodying her character or the dance. I was just running through the choreography as though trying to get it over with.

I stopped mid-routine and wearily went off pointe to rest flat on my feet. My gaze dropped to the floor as I pressed my fingers into my eyes, imploring myself not to give up. I couldn’t let this unfamiliar roadblock stop me.

“You’ll find your voice again.”

I dropped my hands and found Perseus watching me from the doorway of the studio. Half of his golden curls were pulled back, and he leaned against the doorframe in sweat pants and a fitted long-sleeved black shirt.

I let out a defeated sigh. “Iwantto dance. Iwantto express the character, but I … I don’t know how. I’m struggling.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Perseus chided as he joined me in the middle of the room.

The green of his eyes were murky as he stared down at me. Dark circles stood out against his pale complexion. The sight made worry dig at me, but every time I asked if he was okay, he blamed it on not sleeping well.

“You’re still getting back to where you were, Harper,” he continued. “There’s no rush. You’ll find your footing in your own time, and that’s okay.”

Emotional execution had always been one of my strong suits. People didn’t simply watch me dance. Theyfeltit. Every sorrow, every whimsy, every burst of love—it could all be felt as though the emotion were their own. They experienced the story and character through my portrayal, and that was one of my favorite parts about ballet and being a ballerina.

Yet my emotions had dried up. The ability to tap into them now alluded me, and as I chased harder, they disappeared quicker. When I dug deeper, they burrowed tighter. But maybe that was my problem. I was trying too hard, forcing an emotion instead of feeling it naturally. I needed a way to break past this barrier. I needed tofeelagain.

My eyes flitted up to meet Perseus’s in the small space between us. My heart leapt, and I followed that tug, whispering, “Will you dance with me?”

Despite his efforts to keep his concern hidden, his brow furrowed. “Are you sure you want me to?”

Dancing that involved any kind of partner work, whether in a classical ballet style or some other, required a lot of touching and intimacy. Even with the progress I’d made in overcoming the horrors I’d experienced, physical affection was one thing I hadn’t thought about. The most touching Perseus and I had done was our nightly hand-holding, and that had been my beacon in the storm. I’d been too lost to consider how more of his closeness or touch would affect me, and that new question made a typhoon of nerves unleash within me.

What if I couldn’t stand him being that close to me now?

What if being near him in any intimate way sent me back to the storm’s mercy?

The fears were great, but my trust in Perseus was greater. He would never hurt me. He would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to, even if it meant he suffered.

Swallowing down the doubt and worries, I nodded. “I’m sure.” I held out my hand. “Dance with me.”

He stared at my outstretched hand. The muscles in his neck and shoulders tightened. He seemed to be weighing his own hesitations, but eventually, he met my eyes and placed his hand in mine. His palm and fingers were colder than normal, but that chill could never keep me from holding on tight. We stood there, inches separating us, holding the other’s hard gaze.

He squeezed and asked softly, “What dance would you like to do?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “Anything. I just want to dance with you. I want … I want to feel the good things again.”

He took a deep breath and brushed his free fingers over my eyes, coaxing them closed. “Don’t move, then. Just listen for now.”

---