Page 67 of Magic or Madness

“Got a little dizzy I guess.” I shrug it off, putting up a tough-guy exterior, but I feel Fallon’s eyes on me, like if she looks away, I may crumble into dust.

I know that once we’re alone she’ll want to dissect this, talking me through every small detail until she’s satisfied that I’m okay. It’s the same song and dance. I'll smile, assuring her that it was nothing, but in reality, I’m beginning to think something is seriously wrong inside my head.

I swear, the screams sounded exactly like Masha's, and I can’t get past how eerily similar it sounded, almost like she was standing right next to me.

Next week is the anniversary of her death, and I can’t push the guilt out of my mind, it’s all-consuming, and exhausting. If she’s haunting me, I deserve it, and I realize that it’s the only way I can be close to her.

We all deal with the day of her death in our own ways, never really talking about her, or the ways losing her affected us, but I have a feeling Fallon is going to try to change that this year.

I’ve been opening up more, talking about her with Fallon, but it doesn’t make living without her any easier.

Everyone chatters around me, but I couldn’t tell you what they’re talking about. I’m stuck in my own head so much that I don’t even process when Fallon laces her fingers through mine, leading us back to our room. My body is on auto-pilot, and I’m barely in control of myself.

“Come here,” she says as she pulls me onto the bed.

I glance around the room, finding comfort in all the photos of us framed on the walls. Some of them are of us kissing, or smiling at the camera, but my favorite is the one smack in the middle. Pepper took a candid shot of us when we were walking by the river, our hands were intertwined, and we were smiling at each other, completely unaware of the fact that our picture was being taken.

It encompasses our dynamic and captures the love we have for each other. Both our eyes are sparkling as we gaze at each other, and our smiles are radiant. It’s the photo on my phone’s lock screen, and I keep a copy in my wallet. Nothing will ever compare to the love I carry for this girl, and she’s the only reason I haven’t gone completely off the deep end.

“I’m sorry, Bambi. I know you hate covering for me,” I whisper as she rakes her fingers through my hair.

“I hate watching you suffer, Ozzy. Your mental health is so fragile, and I can’t stand by and watch you deteriorate. You’re not sleeping, eating, or relaxing at any point in the day, and it’s taking its toll,” she says gently, delivering the harshest blows with a hushed tone in her voice.

Fallon is always so tender, even when the conversations are heavy, her approach is always soft and sweet, even when I don’t deserve it.

“I’m hearing Masha’s screams in my head now. I’m so messed up and I don’t know what to do,” I confess with tears slipping down my cheeks.

“I have an idea, okay? Hear me out, but we should go to visit Masha. I think it will help you – all of you – during this emotional time. Maybe help you absolve your guilt and get some closure,” she proposes, and as painful as that sounds, she may be right.

There’s a makeshift memorial in our hometown for Masha, something we came up with to honor her after her family took her remains back to her home state.

“I don’t think everyone will be up for it,” I argue, but she shuts me down instantly.

“We have no jobs right now. Everyone is going, or we don’t go at all.” Her confidence is admirable, along with her ability to read people, and I lean into her softer side.

“Okay, let’s do it. Let’s go home,” I say, and she snuggles into my arms, kissing my cheek ever so gently.

“This is going to be good for you, for everyone. I really believe that,” she whispers, her breath dancing across my cheek as she settles against my embrace.

“I’d be nothing without you, Bambi.”

For the rest of the night, I let her have her way with me. She uses every trick in the book to get me to sleep, the massage oils relax my body, and her fingers work magic on the tension in my shoulders, neck, and lower back.

I watch as she scoops some kind of sleeping potion into a glass of water, admiring her dedication and determination to help me get a few hours of rest.

The final piece is placed when she rests her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my midsection.

This is when I feel the safest.

Maybe tonight, the nightmares will be held at bay, just this once, so I can hold her a little longer.

All I truly need is my beautiful girl, my Bambi.

It’sa road trip for the history books, as all seven of us are packed into this van, headinghome.

Somehow, Fallon managed to convince everyone that this trip was important, bigger than life itself, and mandatory. They barely blinked, helping her with the travel plans, finding a house big enough, and creating the perfect itinerary for driving. She surprised me yet again, but deep down, she might be right, and this could be good for all of us.

Lex insisted that Pepper come with us, and it’s a long way from where we started, but nobody has an objection.

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