Page 22 of Hero Worship

Xavier's arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a fierce hug. I collapsed against him, breathing in the familiar scent of smoke and Papa's fabric softener. "You fucking idiot," he muttered into my hair. "You already matter. To me, to Xion, to our whole fucked-up family. You don't need to earn it."

I clutched at his shirt, feeling fifteen again. Lost and scared and desperate for anyone to see me, to want me, to keep me. "I can't lose him," I admitted into Xavier's shoulder. "I know it's stupid and fast and probably just my BPD brain latching onto the first person who showed me firm boundaries, but... I want him to be proud of me. To think I'm worth training, worth keeping, worth..."

"Worth loving?" Xavier finished softly.

I sighed. "Okay," I said finally, the word tasting like ash in my mouth. "You want to know what's going on? I got an internship. In Paris."

Xavier went still. "An internship."

"Yeah." The lie came easier than it should have. "Through Dad's company. Some international business program thing." I forced a smile, trying to make it sound exciting rather than terrifying. "Learning the corporate side of things. Good money, looks great on a resume..."

"Since when do you care about resumes?" Xavier's voice was carefully neutral, but I could feel him analyzing every word, every gesture. "Or business? Or anything Algerone offers?"

I shrugged, aiming for casual even as my heart hammered against my ribs. "Maybe I'm growing up. Maybe I'm tired of being the family fuck-up." The best lies always had a grain of truth. "Besides, it's Paris. Fashion capital of the world. Think of all the trouble I could get into there."

"For how long?"

My stomach twisted. Another lie to add to the pile. "Not sure yet. Depends how things go."

"Not sure." Xavier's voice went flat. "You're taking off to another continent and you don't even know how long you'll be gone?"

"It's complicated," I said weakly. "There are different phases to the program, and if I do well enough in the first part..."

"Bullshit." He cut me off. "You've never cared about corporate ladder-climbing or impressing Algerone before. What's really going on, Dee?"

"It's not like that," I protested, but we lying. "I just... I need this, X. I need to prove I can do something real. Something that matters."

"And you can't do that here?" The hurt in his voice was worse than the anger would have been. "With your family? With people who actually give a shit about you?"

Guilt twisted in my gut, but it came out as a hysterical laugh. "When am I ever thinking straight?"

"I'm serious, Dee." Xavier pulled back enough to look me in the eye. "Promise me something?"

"What?"

"Promise me you'll remember who you are." His voice was intense, almost desperate. "Not who Valentine wants you to be, or who Algerone is trying to shape you into. Remember that you're Xander fucking Laskin, and you've survived worse than whatever this is."

The words hit me hard because he was right. I had survived worse. Survived Xion's break, survived five years without him, survived Algerone's attempts to reprogram me into his perfect heir. I'd survived every abandonment, every rejection, every time someone decided I was too much or not enough.

"I promise," I whispered, and for once, I actually meant it.

Xavier squeezed me tight once more before releasing me. "Good. Now please, for the love of God, put a sock on the door next time you're having private time with your Valentine fantasies. I'm traumatized enough as it is."

I managed a weak laugh, scrubbing at my eyes. "No promises. You know how I feel about exhibitionism."

"You're disgusting." But there was fondness in his voice as he stood. "Try to actually sleep tonight, okay? And maybe call your therapist in the morning?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice. Xavier gave me one last knowing look before heading for the door.

"Hey, X?" I called after him.

He paused in the doorway. "Yeah?"

"Thanks. For... you know. Everything."

A small smile tugged at his lips. "Always, Dee. Always."

The door closed. I flopped back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as Xavier's words echoed in my head.Remember who you are.

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