Page 121 of Body and Soul

I was disappointed whenI didn’t get invited to the Laskins place for Thanksgiving, but I understood. Shepherd wasn’t even sure he was going, so he encouraged me to go spend the day with my friends.

Cherry, Ketchup, Hal and I had our own Thanksgiving traditions after having spent the last two years together, so it was nice to be back with them, even if it meant spending a day away from Shepherd.

Ketchup brought his famous seven layer dip that was more like twelve layers by the time he finished adding all the extra ingredients. Hal bought four rotisserie chickens for us to eat instead of a turkey, which no one seemed to mind. I’d never been a big fan of turkey, anyway.

We laughed and joked as the Macy's parade played on Cherry's ancient TV in the background. Ketchup told wild stories about the ninety days he’d spent in the county jail in Missouri, complete with hilarious impressions, and Cherry told the story of that time they got lost in New York. Hal announced he’dbeen promoted to a manager position at McHappy’s and we all celebrated with fresh beers.

I mostly listened, basking in the warmth and camaraderie. This ragtag bunch had become like family to me ever since I left the cult. We looked out for each other. It felt good to belong somewhere, even if it was a far cry from the picture-perfect family holidays on TV.

The next few weeks passed in a blur of work at the studio and late nights hunched over my sketchbook, perfecting designs for my portfolio. As the days grew shorter and colder, I found myself spending more and more time at the tattoo studio, pouring my heart into my art. I'd always loved the bold lines and bright colors of pop art, but lately my designs had taken on a darker edge. I experimented with incorporating elements of horror and the occult, blending them with the classic pop art style in a way that felt uniquely me.

I sketched for hours, my hand cramping as I filled page after page with designs. Grinning skulls with heart-shaped eyes. Daggers dripping with candy-colored blood. Pin-up girls with demon wings and forked tongues. Ketchup and Cherry both liked my new style, saying it was fresh and edgy.

As the holiday season approached, a thick tension settled over Shepherd's house. His focus on rescuing Dani from the Children of the Light cult intensified, consuming his every waking thought. Even when we were together, he seemed distracted.

I did my best to support him, bringing him meals and coffee, giving him massages to ease the tension from his shoulders, and simply being present as a calming force. But I could see the toll it was taking on him. Dark circles formed under his eyes and he grew even more distant, lost in the labyrinth of his own mind.

On Christmas Eve, I went out with Gavin to do a little last-minute shopping. We said our goodbyes in the parking lot because Gavin was going away for a few days and wouldn’t beback until after New Year’s. I was proud that he trusted me to look after Shepherd and his alters for that long. Things had been going well.

I let myself into the apartment with the key he'd given me, humming Christmas carols. The living room was empty, but I heard the clinking of glass from his office.

“Shepherd?” I called, dropping my bags by the door. “I’m back.”

When he didn’t answer, I made my way down the hall.

Shepherd stood by the window in his office, his back to me, drink in hand. “Why do you keep coming back?” he said without turning around. His voice was flat, emotionless.

I paused in the doorway. “Azreal?”

Azreal turned slowly to face me. He swirled the amber liquid in his glass. “You didn't answer my question. Why do you keep coming back here, Eli? To this house, to this... situation?”

“You mean, aside from the fact that I live here?” I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest. “Because I care about Shepherd. About all of you. I thought that was obvious by now.”

Azreal scoffed. “You think you care. But you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. The things we've done... the things we're capable of...” He shook his head, like he was trying to dislodge an unpleasant thought. “It's only a matter of time before you realize you're in over your head and go running for the hills.”

I bristled at that, my jaw clenching. Where the fuck was this coming from? I thought Azreal and I had reached an understanding after that night with the Chinese food and the Bible talk. I thought he was starting to trust me, at least a little. Guess I was wrong.

“I'm not going anywhere, Az, and you can’t make me.”

He stalked toward me. “You’re going to hurt him.”

“No!” I insisted, shaking my head. “I would never hurt him.”

“Maybe you won’t mean to, but you will. They always do. They come, and they make all these promises. They say they love him, that they can be there for us. But when have they ever been there for us? The minute they find out the truth, they leave, and you will too. You’re not different or special. You’re just like all the others.”

Tears pricked at my eyes. “No, that's not true. I would never abandon Shepherd. I…”

I love him.

I stood there, stunned by my own revelation, the words “I love him” echoing in my mind. But I couldn't say them out loud, not like this, not to Azreal. Those words were meant for Shepherd and him alone.

Azreal's cold gaze bore into me, as if he could see straight through to my soul. “You think you're in love with him, don't you?” he scoffed. “You foolish child. You have no idea what love is. You're infatuated, nothing more. And when the novelty wears off, when you realize how broken we are, you'll run. Just like they all do.”

“You're wrong,” I insisted, my voice trembling with barely suppressed emotion. “I know exactly what love is. It's wanting to be there for someone, no matter what. It's accepting them, all of them, even the parts they think are too dark or damaged to be loved. It's not giving up, even when things get hard. And I will never give up on Shepherd. Or on any of you.”

He advanced on me, his movements fluid and predatory, backing me up until I hit the wall. Azreal caged me in with his arms, his face mere inches from mine. “Pretty words, but that's all they are. Words. You haven't seen the depths of our darkness yet. You don't know what we're capable of.”

“Then show me.” My fingers flexed into fists at my side. “Show me this ugliness you keep going on about if it’s so true.”

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