Page 86 of The World Outside My Window

Laura shrugs, blinking back tears that threaten to fall. ‘I don’t know. I just – I feel so guilty.’

‘Guilty? What on earth for?’

Laura stares at the tabletop, the scratches and stains that have gently marked it over the years, and tries to work out how to explain it. ‘I—’ She stops, gathers herself. ‘I just don’t know what the hell I’m going to say if we do find Jim.’ She swallows and shakes her head, trying to clear it, to find her way through the fog. ‘I mean – things have changed. Since he’s been gone. For me.’ The sentences are coming out in stutters and jerks, but she’s warming up to it, trying to express the feeling deep in her belly, to drag it out into the open, to study it so she can work out what it really is. ‘I’ve changed. I’ve become – me again. At least, I’m getting there.’ She deflates, exhausted.

Suddenly Debbie’s arms are round her and Laura is sobbing into her friend’s shoulder in the middle of the café. She wonders what Ben must think of her and pulls back, sniffling. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says, dabbing her eyes with a scratchy napkin.

‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,’ Debbie says. ‘Does she, Ben?’

‘Absolutely not.’

‘I just—’ Laura sniffs ‘—I don’t know. What sort of woman isn’t sure whether she even wants her missing husband to turn up again?’

‘The sort of woman who feels as though she’s been oppressed by her husband for years?’

Oppressed. It’s a big word, with dark connotations. Has she been oppressed, or has she just been glad to let Jim look after her? Wasn’t it what she wanted, when she met him?

Maybe. But is it what she needs now? Is it what shewants?

The waitress appears suddenly, hovering awkwardly. ‘Tea and cake?’ she says.

‘Yes, thank you,’ Debbie says, taking the cups and teapots and plates of oozing, sticky cake from her tray. The waitress looks as though she can’t wait to get away, but just as she turns to go, Debbie says, ‘Actually, can I ask you something?’

The waitress – Dawn, her name tag says – nods uncertainly. ‘Sure.’

Debbie rummages in her bag and produces the leaflet with Jim’s face on it. ‘I don’t suppose you recognise this man, do you?’

Dawn takes the photo and pulls it closer to her face. ‘Oh, yes, I do!’

Laura feels as though the world has momentarily stopped turning; as though everything has decelerated, each freeze-frame stopping and slowing until she can hardly see any movement at all… This is the first person they’ve come across today who recognises Jim.

‘You do?’ Debbie’s voice is higher than usual, excited. Ben leans forward to hear her better.

‘Yes. I mean… well, I think I do.’ Dawn looks up. ‘He usually comes in here a few times a week. He buys a coffee to take away, and sometimes a pastry.’

‘What time of day?’

‘Morning. Although I’ve seen him a couple of evenings too. He usually buys a couple of slices of cake then.’ She looks at the three faces watching her, and crinkles her nose. ‘Why? Has he done something wrong?’

There is far too much to explain, but Laura wants to give this woman something, so she says, ‘He’s my husband.’

‘Oh, is he?’ She looks surprised.

‘Yes. Only, he disappeared a few weeks ago and I haven’t seen him since.’

Dawn reddens then, shuffles her feet awkwardly. ‘Oh Christ. I – I haven’t said something I shouldn’t, have I? I mean, I don’t know much about him and I don’t wanna get anyone in trouble…’ She looks bewildered.

‘No, it’s fine. We just want to know where he is,’ Debbie soothes. ‘I don’t suppose you know where he lives, do you?’

Dawn shakes her head and Laura feels her stomach drop with disappointment. She might not be certain she wants Jim back, but she does want to know what’s happened to him and she felt as if she was getting so close for a moment there.

‘I don’t think it’s far away though,’ Dawn adds.

‘What makes you say that?’

‘I dunno. I always had the impression this was a local place for him, and then the other day – Wednesday last week, it might have been – I remember he came in and while I made his drink he said he’d left something at home and he’d be back in a few minutes.’ She pauses. ‘He was back before I’d even put the lid on his coffee, so he can’t have gone far.’

Laura, Debbie and Ben sit in silence for a moment, taking in this news. It’s Debbie who speaks first.

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