Page 68 of The World Outside My Window

Over the next few days we arranged to see a few houses. ‘Do you think you’ll be able to come and see them with me?’ Jim asked me.

I felt my stomach roll over. In my enthusiasm for finding a new home I hadn’t even considered the fact that I’d have to leave the flat to go and look at it. I shook my head sadly. ‘Can you go on your own?’

Jim sighed. ‘Oh, Lola. Are you sure this is going to work?’

‘It will, I’m sure of it. I just need a bit more time.’

‘All right. But I’m still not convinced that running away from your problems is the solution.’

‘I don’t know what else to try.’

Jim paused then, and looked sheepish.

‘What? What’s wrong?’

He coughed. ‘I’ve arranged for someone to come and check up on you while I’m not here.’

I froze. ‘What?’

‘I worry about you here all alone while I’m away, so someone is going to come and check up on you, get some food in for you, that sort of thing, on the days I’m not here. A woman, of course.’

I felt as though my words were stuck in my throat like a sharp piece of flint. ‘I—’ I didn’t know what to say. How could Jim have done this without even asking me? ‘I can’t have someone here.’

‘But I’m here, and Debbie comes round sometimes, doesn’t she?’

‘But this is different, Jim!’

‘How? How is it different?’

I wanted to scream. ‘Because it is!’ I was shaking, and could feel my palms become sticky with a sheen of sweat. I sat down and put my head between my knees and took some long, deep breaths and slowly I felt my breathing return to normal. I raised my head and Jim was sitting opposite me, waiting. He hadn’t moved to comfort me as he usually did and I assumed it was because he was so angry.

‘I’m sorry. I just – the thought of a stranger coming in here is almost as bad as the idea of leaving the flat on my own. I can’t explain it. It’s like my body goes into flight mode, and I can’t think straight.’ I looked at him pleadingly. ‘Please can you cancel it?’

He nodded stiffly. ‘Okay.’

He wouldn’t look me in the eye, and I walked round to him, wriggled myself in between the table and his chest and squeezed myself onto his knee. Then I pulled his chin round to face me and planted a kiss on his lips. ‘I’m sorry, Jim. I love you.’

His eyes were filled with tears and I realised it was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. ‘Oh, darling, what have I done to you?’

‘I’m sorry, love. I just…’ He rubbed his face. ‘I’m just finding this all so hard to navigate.’ He looked me right in the eye. ‘I love you so much, I just want to see you happy. I want us to be happy again.’

‘We are happy, aren’t we?’

He shook his head and my heart felt as if it had been sliced in half. ‘No, we’re not. We’re just surviving.’

I dropped my head onto his chest and we sat like that for a while, holding each other. Eventually, Jim spoke. ‘I’ll cancel it. But we’d better hope that this move changes something, because I don’t know what else to do.’

23

NOW – 12 OCTOBER 1992

Corner Shop

Tracy Atkinson

The wind shakes the tree in the middle of the cul-de-sac so hard it’s a wonder any of the leaves have the strength to cling on. Laura stands by her front door, stiff-limbed, watching as they detach themselves from their branches and dance and swirl towards the ground, distributing themselves among neighbouring gardens.

She inhales deeply, letting the cool air fill her lungs, and releases it slowly, puffing out her cheeks and letting her shoulders relax.

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