Page 46 of The World Outside My Window

‘Only what he’s told you.’

‘Well, of course. That’s normal, isn’t it?’

‘It’s – unusual, Lau.’ She hesitates. ‘Most people learn about their partners from more than one source. From friends, family, colleagues. They build up a picture of them, what they’re like when they’re with other people, see how they react to situations outside the home, how they interact with strangers. That then builds up a full, rounded picture of the person they love. But with you and Jim it’s – it’s always been different.’

Laura doesn’t speak because her heart is pounding too fast for her to catch her breath.

‘You know what I mean, Laura. You and Jim. Since you met it’s always been about you and him, and no one else was allowed to penetrate that tight bubble. I forced myself in, of course, but everyone else – well, everyone else was pushed further and further away until they could no longer reach you. Including your mum.’

Laura’s heart flips at the thought of her mum. She wants so much to ring her and tell her what’s happening, but the fact is Debbie is right. She has pushed her away so much that she doesn’t feel as though she can just pick up the phone and ask her for help, even though she’s certain her mum would welcome her with open arms.

‘But it’s not just about your friends and family,’ Debbie continues. ‘It’s Jim’s.’

‘What about them?’

‘Well, what do you know about them? Who do you know, who have you met in the last seven years?’

‘You know perfectly well his parents are dead,’ she says, her voice sharp.

‘Yes, I know that’s what he’s told you. But even if that is true – which I’m sure it is,’ she adds before Laura can object, ‘then what about uncles, aunts, cousins, all the other family members people have in their lives, even if it’s just in the background?’

As she waits for an answer Laura feels her body shaking. But not because she’s angry. Because she’s scared that Debbie’s right.

She really doesn’t know anything about Jim’s life apart from what he’s told her. She’s never had any reason to question whether it’s the whole truth, but now she’s not so sure. After all, he’s left, so it’s clear she doesn’t know him as well as she thought.

The room starts closing in around her, and she feels her throat tighten, her airway constricted as though something is blocking it. Her head is spinning and she feels as if she might faint… but then through the fog she can hear Debbie speaking to her, her voice urgent.

‘Laura!’

She forces herself to focus on the voice on the other end of the phone, but her throat is so dry she can’t get any words out. She places the receiver on the table, dashes to the sink and gulps down huge mouthfuls of water from the tap. Finally, her thirst sated, she picks the receiver back up.

‘Sorry,’ she rasps.

‘Oh, thank God, I thought something had happened to you,’ Debbie says. ‘I’m so sorry, Lau, I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘No,’ she says, and swallows to clear the lump from her throat. ‘You’re right. You’ve always been right.’

‘Not completely—’ she begins, but Laura cuts her off.

‘You are, Debs. You knew from the very beginning there was something strange about mine and Jim’s relationship, but I never wanted to listen. But there it is. You were right. I don’t know his friends, his family, or even anything about where he actually works. In the seven years we’ve been together we’ve only spent two Christmases together as he always seems to have to work. That’s—’ She stops, her voice caught again. ‘That’s not normal.’ She chokes the last words out in a sob.

‘Oh, darling, I’m so sorry. I – I wish I could be there with you. I’m worried about you.’

Laura doesn’t answer for a while, letting the sobs subside into hiccups.

‘I’m going to go,’ Laura says, suddenly desperate to be alone with her thoughts.

‘Are you sure? You don’t want to talk a bit longer?’ Laura knows Debbie is worried she’ll drink herself into a stupor, and she can’t even face lying to her about it.

‘Positive,’ she says. ‘I’ll ring you tomorrow.’

Then before Debbie can say anything else Laura cuts off the call, lays the receiver down on the table so she can’t ring back, and opens a brand-new bottle of vodka.

16

THEN – MARCH 1990

I checked the answerphone for the umpteenth time, trying not to let the panic overwhelm me. No messages, no missed calls. Nothing.

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