Page 18 of The World Outside My Window

‘I’m just out of the bath.’

‘I wish I was there with you.’ His voice was deep, husky.

‘Me too,’ I replied, feeling my face redden. Despite all the time we spent apart, I still found any vaguely sexy talk on the phone mortifyingly embarrassing. Luckily, Jim didn’t take it any further, and as I padded through to the bedroom, he told me about his day, about the awful meeting he’d had, about how he was seriously thinking of looking for a new job, maybe one that meant he didn’t have to be away from me so much.

This is it, I thought. This is what he’s rung to tell me. He’s getting a new job, based in London, so we can be together all the time. I felt my body sing with happiness as I waited for him to tell me his news.

But then he changed the subject. ‘So, what have you been up to?’ he said.

‘I—’ I stopped. ‘Not much. Work. Watched some TV.’ I didn’t tell him about the bottle of wine I’d almost finished because I knew he didn’t like me drinking alone. I cleared my throat. ‘So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘What?’

‘You asked me to stay in because you had something important you needed to tell me,’ I reminded him.

‘Oh. Right. Yes.’ He sounded worried and I immediately found myself on edge. Was he about to tell me this wasn’t working, that he wanted me to move out? It was always my fear, however much he reassured me that he loved me, and I tried not to picture how my life would be without him there holding me up.

‘What is it, Jim? You’re scaring me.’

‘It’s nothing serious, it’s just…’ He paused and my anxiety ratcheted up a level. ‘I need to be away for Christmas.’

The world stilled for a moment before the words sank in.

‘Again?’ I thought about last Christmas when we’d only just moved in together. I’d been full of excitement about it, had pictured romantic strolls, lazy mornings lying round in our pyjamas, games of Scrabble and dinner for two during the Queen’s speech. After spending the last few Christmases working because I’d had no one else to spend it with, I couldn’t wait. But then Jim had admitted he’d already promised to work and that it was too late to get out of it, so I’d spent the day with Debbie and Steve and the kids instead. It had been fun, but I’d been so desperately looking forward to finally making up for it this year.

‘I’m so sorry, love, I know it’s a bugger but it’s just the nature of the job. If something goes wrong in one of the hotels, it’s me that has to sort it out.’

‘Oh.’ I tried not to sound so disappointed but I couldn’t help it. ‘How long for?’

‘Just a couple of days – from Christmas Eve until the twenty-sixth, maybe the twenty-seventh?’ He sighed. ‘I really am sorry. I promise to make it up to you.’

‘It’s okay. I’ll just go into the restaurant. They always need someone in.’ My voice was small.

‘Thank you, sweetheart. Christmas won’t be the same without you. Listen, I’m sorry to dash but I’ve still got something to finish before I can leave to come home tomorrow morning. Sleep tight, love you.’

‘Love you too.’

Then he was gone, and I was left listening to the dialling tone, shivering in my damp towel. Alone, again.

9

NOW – 25-26 SEPTEMBER 1992

‘Just one more step, come on, you can do it and you’ll be there,’ Jim urged, his voice even, calm. He was endlessly patient, and Laura was desperate to please him. If she didn’t make it outside he’d be disappointed and she didn’t want to let him down – again. So she lifted her foot from the doorframe and placed it carefully back down on the patio. But as she did, a burning feeling scorched up her leg until it felt as though her entire limb was on fire. She looked down and flames licked the side of her leg from her ankle up, melting her trousers into her skin. It should have hurt but she felt nothing, she was numb. She looked up at Jim, wanting him to see how well she was doing, craving his approval, but he was so far away now she couldn’t see him any more.

‘Jim!’ she called. ‘Look at me, I’m outside!’ She let go of the doorframe and put her other foot in front of her and flames engulfed that too. She cackled and looked back up at the sky. Jim was falling towards her, tumbling faster and faster, and she smiled. He’d be so pleased when he saw how well she was doing. She just wanted to please him, to show him that she was the Laura he’d fallen in love with. That she wasn’t broken any more, she was fixed, and he could love her again. But as he got closer she saw his face was covered with a balaclava, and piercing grey eyes stared at her through tiny round holes cut into the fabric. Terror engulfed her and she was back in that dark alley, the glint of a knife, the roar of fear in her ears. She screamed until her throat was raw.

Thiswas what happened when she tried to leave the house. She’d told everyone but they wouldn’t listen, they thought she was just being silly, that the same thing couldn’t happen again. But he was here and she was fighting, fighting, adrenaline coursing through her body, kicking and biting and scratching and he had hold of her by the throat so she couldn’t scream and she kicked out, hard, and he let go, just for a second, and she screamed and screamed and ran and then he was gone and she could hear Debbie’s gentle voice, and she knew she was going to be okay, it was all going to be okay…

* * *

The air tickles Laura’s face, and a leaf drops from the tree onto her hair. She brushes it away and watches it fall to the ground where it disappears, indistinguishable among the pile of reds, golds and purples. The leaves have turned early this year and they’re stunning, their intricate lines, curves and spikes forming a beautiful carpet across the lawn. Laura lifts her head and concentrates on planting her feet firmly into the earth, feeling the softness of the grass beneath her shoes, the cool air caressing her skin through her thin jumper. She clamps her arms to her sides, unclenches her fists and inhales deeply, filling her lungs with air, then blowing it slowly back out again. As she takes another breath in she pictures the air filling her entire body with freshness, with clean thoughts, with new life. Then she exhales, trying to purge herself of all the accumulated toxins. How long would it take, how many deep breaths, to get rid of all the darkness, all the terror inside her, to be bright and clear and happy again? She breathes in once more and closes her eyes. She feels light-headed. Is she really here or is this another dream?

When she opens her eyes Debbie is standing right next to her, exactly where she said she’d be, a smile on her lips.

‘You did it!’ Debbie’s voice is a whisper, as though saying the words too loudly will destroy the fragility of what Laura has achieved.

Laura gives a small nod. She can’t think about it too much – about the fact that she’s outside, in plain sight – or she’ll feel terrified all over again. But shehasdone it. She’s made it out of the back door and into the garden for the first time in more than eighteen months, and nothing bad has happened. The world hasn’t ended, she hasn’t been hurt. She’s just here, in the fresh air, breathing, alive. She allows her gaze to wander, to take in the overgrown hedge, the too-big tree, the rosebush that had been a blaze of colour all summer but now has dead petals clinging to it for dear life.

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