Page 16 of The World Outside My Window

She shakes her head. She’s desperate to, but it feels too much all at once. ‘Maybe tomorrow?’

‘Are you sure? You’re doing so well.’

‘Yes. Yes, I’ve had enough now.’

Laura swivels and hurries away from the door. Seconds later she hears it click shut and feels her body deflate like a punctured balloon as she collapses onto the dining chair.

‘Sorry,’ she says.

‘What are you sorry for? You did brilliantly. Have you ever got that far before?’

Laura shakes her head.

‘Well, then. We’ll try again next time, and then we’ll go a bit further the time after that. Small steps, okay?’

‘Thank you, Debs. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.’

Debbie shrugs. ‘You’ll never have to find out, will you?’ She swallows. ‘Speaking of which…’

‘What?’

Debbie looks sheepish. ‘Don’t think I’m prying, but I wondered if you’re okay for money. You know, with Jim not here.’

Laura flushes. ‘Oh, right. Yes, I—’ She stops. ‘I’ve got a bit in an account that Jim gave me every month. It should last a while.’

Debbie nods, satisfied. ‘Okay, if you’re sure. I hope you don’t mind me asking.’

‘Course not. Thank you.’ Her voice cracks on the last word. She’s more grateful than she could ever express for her friend’s concern.

Debbie stands. ‘Now, shall I make us some lunch?’

‘I’ll do it.’ The words shoot out, surprising even herself. But Laura knows as soon as they’re out there that she wants to do this. Something about pushing herself today has given her more courage than she’s had in months.

‘Are you sure?’ Debbie looks worried. ‘I know you haven’t been so keen to cook since…’ She trails off. ‘You know.’

‘Positive.’

As she heads into the kitchen and starts pulling ingredients from the fridge – the vegetables Debbie had bought at the corner shop, a tin of tuna, a block of cheese – Laura feels a sense of satisfaction settle over her, despite everything. For so long now she’s had someone else to do everything for her, to protect her from facing the world. She thinks about her mum, and how, after Laura’s dad left, Pat fell apart, unable to look after herself properly. Which was why she let Brian inveigle himself into their lives, to get his feet well and truly under the table and push Laura out.

‘We’re alike, you and me,’ her mum had said the day Laura announced she was moving out.

‘We’re bloody not,’ Laura had said indignantly. ‘I’mnothinglike you.’ The seventeen-year-old Laura had been mortified at the idea of being as weak as her mum, as reliant on someone else – on aman– to look after her. But she can see now that’s exactly what she’s been doing these last seven years. Her mum was right after all. How she wishes she could tell her, but she doubts she’d be welcome at her old home any more – even if she could get there.

At least one good thing has come out of this. Even though Jim is still missing and she’s still terrified about what might have happened to him, Laura is beginning to stand on her own two feet, and face her fears at last.

And she absolutely won’t give up until she’s found her husband, and brought him home.

8

THEN – DECEMBER 1986

‘But you promised you’d come,’ Debbie said, as if I didn’t already feel guilty enough about letting her down.

‘I know, but Jim said he needed to talk to me about something, so I have to wait in for him to call.’

‘Isn’t he home tomorrow anyway?’

‘Yes but… he said it was important…’ I trailed off, aware of how pathetic I sounded. The second’s hesitation before Debbie spoke again told me she agreed.

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