Page 108 of Heal Me

"Fucked," I finish the sentence instead of him.

"We didn't sleep. After she kissed me, I felt nauseous for a few more hours and I know that's no excuse, but I didn't want to hurt you. It was a mistake. The worst in my life. But you didn't let me into your life, you made it clear that you didn't need me."

I look at his face. He seems to have aged several years this week. The eyes are tired, the smile has disappeared, wrinkles have appeared on his forehead.

There is a pause between us.

"So, is it my fault? Why did you come?"

"I wanted to see you."

I can't find the strength to talk to him.

"I miss you. Every day. Terribly." he says quietly.

If only he knew that I miss him too.

"You know what I've been dreaming about all these months? I wanted so badly to call you, my love. My beautiful beautiful love."

Danylo stops the car and I look at him. Maybe he got the area wrong, but my driveway is a short drive away.

I don't realise what's happening in the next few seconds as his hand pulls me close and hot lips leave marks on my mouth. His tongue penetrates deeper and deeper, and I hold on so as not to pass out. We kiss insatiably. Giving and absorbing each other's pain. Our kiss is like a long agony followed by darkness. We don't even try to tear ourselves away from each other, because we know that we both need it.

One of his hands is behind my neck and the other is gently squeezing my leg, my hands slide through his hair and now I realise why I've always liked it so much. I want to pull his hair and hear that soft moan reverberating inside my body. Our breathing becomes heavy, all our thoughts are confused, the past and the future disappear for us, only the present remains. Just this moment, this minute, this second that turned our worlds upside down.

Philosophers have debated the topic of love for centuries. Writers tried to describe this feeling in as much detail as possible. People were looking for something that they couldn't even explain. You will never be able to describe love until you feel what it is like to love.

For some, love is madness, for others it is peace and care. Some people don’t believe in it, some try with all their might to fall in love. Others look for it in books, some hide it deep in their heart and some shout about it to the whole world.

I can't speak for everyone, I won't describe the emotions that are with me now, I won't talk about the impulses that are currently travelling through my body, because I will never be able to admit to myself that for me love ishim.

"I'll never hurt you again, my love," he promises.

And I want to believe in this promise, which is so sweet to the taste. I want to feel his embrace on my body. I want to love him and I want him to love me. I want him to promise that he will never leave me. I want it all.

But I can’t.

"Give me time." I break away from his lips.

"Okay," he agrees. "How much time do you need? I will give you as much as you want. I won't touch you until you let me."

"If you don't want to hurt me again, please understand me."

"Sure, Ami. How many? Week. Two? I'll do anything for you, darley."

"I don’t know. Maybe a month, maybe two. Maybe never. I don't know if I can find the strength to forgive you."

"Hm." His look falls down, I feel his pain deep inside me and punish myself for it. Danylo lost everything, and now he is losing me - his only friend.

"Okay, Ami, if that's better."

"It would be better."

"Let me kiss you one last time." He begs.

His eyes are filled with tears. Mine seems to be too.

"I made the biggest mistake in my life by hurting you. The first time I saw you, Ami, I knew I was doomed. I knew I had made such an impact that I wasn't sure I had ever loved Zlata at all. Your every word awakened love in me. I wanted to fight with you just to hear you talk to me. I wanted to make you green tea every time since I found out you liked it. I wanted to spend every shift with you since you started working at the hospital. I was ready to leave everything for you, and I will regret for the rest of my days that I didn't. You took my heart on the first day of our acquaintance. You touched my soul without touching my body. You made me see the light when I was wandering in the dark. I'm terrible. I'm crazy. I'm a total mess. I lost my mother. I lost my father. I lost my wife. I lost my son. I lost you. I lost myself. I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn't stop. I wanted pain. I wanted to be hated. I was willing to rip my heart out just to never feel anything. But I want to feel, Amelia. I want to feel love for you. I want to feel your lips on mine. I want to feel your hands on my body. I want to feel that I’m worthy for you. Although I will never be worthy."

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