Page 126 of Heal Me

"Not even a little."

I lift my head up and look him straight in the eyes.

"Well, maybe a little," and he looks away.

"Is there any chance that we will see each other?"

"Of course, in a few years, when you graduate from the university and come to my place, we will meet Amelia, moreover," he brings me back to him, "I will propose to you, we will get married and live together. Ami, I love you. I love you against all the rules and norms, I love you every morning and every night, every second of my life, you are my everything, but I need to move on, I need to build a future for us. You will study and come to me, we just have to wait."

I like this plan. I like to imagine my life together with Danylo.

"Danylo," I begin, "promise me that you will continue to live, promise me that you will go there and find someone..."

"No," he interrupts me, "don't you dare ask me that."

"Listen," I stop him, "there's no way we'll be together in three years, I could die at any second," I point to my heart, "it's a ticking time bomb, and I've come to terms with it, so now it's your turn, live on, live like you never knew me."

Danylo turns his head to the side.

"I will live there, but I don't want anyone else, I want only you."

"You say that now, but this is a new country, new people, so don't hold yourself back from something."

"Amelia, I love you," he takes my face in his hands, "you and only you, I don't need anyone else."

"Danylo, I said that I will never love anyone in my life..." He quickly lets go of me as if I've pushed him.

"What do you mean?" Danylo begins to breathe hard. "You haven't stopped loving Denys and you will never love me? And what about all your promises? What about all your words? You never loved me?" I nod.

I lie and this lie burns my tongue painfully, but I do it for him. It's easier to go to a new country and start a new life, knowing that nothing is keeping you here. It's easier to get to know someone and fall in love, without even thinking about the fact that a girl who is head over heels in love continues to live thousands of kilometres away from you. I stand and look at him. That's all. We will not see each other again. All that awaits us ahead is hundreds of kilometres of distance, thousands of unrequited kisses and millions of unsaid words. But I let him go, giving my soul and heart, which rightfully belongs to him from the first meeting.

I'm a girl who will regret those words for a very long time, but I won't take them back. My heart will scream I love you, and tears will burn my cheeks, but I will not admit it. I will continue to live with the thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life, and will try to overcome the heartache all the years to come.

I will continue to look at him, after those words, which, broke my heart and tore out my soul, but I will not run after him.

I will not come to the airport and see how he flies to fulfil his dreams. I will always remember him drinking an Americano with cold milk, but I will never make him one again. I will never text him again, and he will never know that he has become the only one I loved as much as I can...

Epilogue

Aweek later

Standing at the door of our apartment now, it is strange to remember the days spent there. The way he cooked delicious dinners for us. The way he quoted my favourite author for me. How we prepared together for exams.

Danylo is most likely not in town, so I want to pick up some of my things and finally go to Lviv.

The pain subsided little by little, but the feelings remained. And they will remain forever. I keep scrolling through the same words in my head that I never had time to say to him.

I chose you, and I will choose you every day for the rest of my life. Every morning when the sun rises in the sky, and every evening when the moon takes its place. I will choose you, even when all the stars in the sky fade away, and I will have my last breath left to speak words that will be meant only for you. I love you my darling.

I try not to blame myself for what I did, I assure you that I did everything to make him happy, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I knock on the door just in case. There's no answer, so I pull out my apartment key and open the door.

A familiar smell hits my face, he was here just a few hours ago. The apartment is almost empty, there are no shoes in the hallway, no dishes in the kitchen, and only my things in the room.

They lie in the same places. He didn’t touch them. From this, another painful blow passes through my heart. I notice a large black suitcase by the bed and guess that Danylo is still packing his things.

He is still here.

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