Page 83 of Dark Room Junkie

I don’t know how, but I found myself on the couch with a cup of tea in my hand. Someone must have gone out and gotten something at the corner. My hands were shaking. The policewoman sat beside me and scribbled something on a form.

“You’re not listed as the tenant. Do you want to keep the apartment?”

I knew what this dump cost, and,fuck, I couldn’t even afford that. I shook my head apathetically while clutching onto the cup, knowing that it was my mother’s social security benefits that had paid for it.

“You don’t need to rush anything. The month has just begun, and with Christmas, you have a few more weeks. But I advise you to look for something else because the city wants to rent out the apartment as soon as possible, and it will need a thorough cleaning. Don’t forget to report your new address to the authorities. And as for the funeral, the city offers support. Do you want to make use of it?”

It needs to stop.I didn’t want to hear anything anymore. Maybe that would be possible if I screamed, but I was paralyzed. And the woman was just showing me with bureaucratic bullshit what a poor bastard I was.

“Do you have an income?”

“Yes,” I said hoarsely. “But it’s not enough for a funeral.”

The woman made a note.

I sat there, shivering by the open windows. At least the smell wasn’t as aggressive anymore—or maybe I was already too deep in my own fog to sense anything.

25

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Alex

I sat on the brown leather armchair, nervously tapping one leg and gripping the armrests with both hands. It felt like every muscle in my body was tense, and I could feel sweat gathering on my forehead—damn, it was snowing outside!

“I’m feeling better,” I said weakly.

“Alex, you’re allowed to be angry at your mother. That’s completely okay.”

“She didn’t know any better.”

“That’s true, but I still don’t believe that you’re over it.”

I didn’t want to be here, but I knew there was no other way. I had agreed to the program at the day clinic, which included speaking to Mrs. Gerber. The woman simply knew me for too long to be fooled by any act I put on. As for the matter with my mother, I had been going in circles since my admission.

“She made her decision,” I mumbled, feeling my voice grow even weaker. “She couldn’t have known.” A voice inside me screamed at the words.But she did! She knew about the love letters! She was the one who gave him time to think! It was because of her that he came into my room that night.I felt dizzy, pressing my palms against my cheeks.

“Do you really believe what you’re telling me? Or are you just saying it to appease me?”

Feeling weary, I shook my head. “It wasn’t her intention for me to get hurt.”

“You want to defend your mother. Why?”

I pressed my lips together and tapped my leg even more nervously.Yeah, why? It was her fault that he ...“Argh!” I growled and ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t blame her!”

“Why?”

“She ...” I exhaled in disbelief. “Damn it! You don’t know how angry it makes me that she kept the truth from me all those years! But she’s also the only person who’s still there for me after all this shit! And she was there for me! She ... she was a good mother!”

I flinched as a hot tear ran down my cheek, and I swiftly wiped it away with the sleeve of my sweater. “I can’t blame her. That would look like I’m shifting my responsibility away from me.”

“But you were just a child. What responsibility? You couldn’t have done anything.”

I could already feel my lungs constricting, and I gasped for air. Mrs. Gerber stood up and fetched my jacket from the coat rack. I hastily took out the spray and administered a dose.

“You couldn’t have done anything, Alex,” she repeated, sitting back down.

I brushed back my hair and took deep breaths. “Maybe,” I reluctantly admitted.

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