Page 54 of Deeply Examined

Was that what he did to me? Yes.Is it really so crazy to think I do the same thing to him?

“Okay. I believe you when you say this kind of behavior stays at home, in this room, but who are these women? The ones who come here and do these things with you.” I try to keep my voice steady, to be reasonable, but jealousy licks its fiery way through my body, the burn scorching. It’s hard not to look at that exam table and imagine West naked, screwing another woman on it. The thought makes me want to vomit.

West answers slowly, concern etched on his face. “There are places, chat rooms and such, where people who like this connect and agree to meet up.” He takes a small step closer and, when I don’t protest, another one. He keeps advancing until he’s by my side, close enough that I can feel the wisp of his breath against my cheek when he talks. “Those women, they were only here for this, Jess. They never sat on my couch or cooked in my kitchen. No one has been up the spiral stairs besides you.No one.”

I must have started crying at some point because West catches a tear with his fingertip. He holds it up to the light so I can see how it sparkles. He puts that finger in his mouth and sucks on it.

“Are you drinking my sadness?” I ask.

“You want to know me—well, guess what? I want to know you too. Inside and out. I want to know what makes you cry, what makes you laugh, what keeps you up at night. I want to know how best to hold you, kiss you, make you come so hard you lose consciousness.”

He brushes another tear from my cheek, his fingers dancing along my skin. He offers the tear to me, holds it up to my mouth, and whispers, “I wantyouto knowyourselfbetter than ever before. To know how to demand what you want, what your boundaries are, how much pain and pleasure you can withstand.”

“It’s just,” I say as my chest hitches on a suppressed sob. My dreams are changing, rearranging themselves into something new. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“I know.”

He doesn’t say a word after that. Doesn’t push or pull at me. This will be my decision and mine alone.

I stare at his offering, the physical embodiment of my sorrow held on the tip of his finger. What should I do? Pack my bags and leave? Forget all about him and the things he’s made me feel. Or accept him,allof him. His kinks and idiosyncrasies too.

This strange man.

The man I’m falling in love with.

It’s almost scary how quickly I make up my mind. It makes me wonder exactly what I’ll do for him. How far will I go?

I open my mouth and let him press the tear to my tongue until I taste the saltiness of it. It reminds me of the ocean, that timeless mixture of brine and minerals. I close my lips around his finger and suck it into my mouth, swirling the tip with my tongue.

“Fuck,” West groans, hemming me in until I’m caught between him and the exam table. My hip bumps up against the upholstered surface, and I cast a glance back, my heart hammering with fear and lust.

West notices. He backs away with his hands up, muttering, “We don’t have to do this. I can get you a cab and pay for a nice hotel for you to stay in until you find an apartment. You don’t owe me anything.”

I consider his offer. He’s sincere. I know it. He’d let me go if that’s what I wanted.

But is it?

What I want?

The thought of walking out of here and never seeing him again is pure torture. Things are finally getting good between us. He’s letting down his walls, brick by precious brick. If I go now, I’ll never learn his story. Never figure out why he counts and what made him hate the sound of his own name.

He’s a puzzle I want to solve.

A code I need to crack.

I can’t leave.

I’m too addicted to his presence. Obsessed with those gray eyes and the weight of his body on mine.

I place my hand on his chest, over his heart. West freezes, watching me with wide, cautious eyes as I reach behind my back and pull the laces that secure my dress. Once they’re loosened, the gown falls to the floor, puddling at our feet. Goosebumps rise on my bare skin like flowers blooming.

West’s breath stutters, then speeds up. He says a soft, “Jessica…”

I stare up at his beautiful face and in a loud, clear voice say, “I’m here for my appointment, Dr. West.”

Adam

And just like that, I know—this woman isn’t afraid of the darkness.

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