Page 47 of Double Play

“Arden, wait!” he says as I bolt toward the stairs, taking them two at a time as fast as my trembling legs will carry me. I vaguely hear him running after me, but I blow through the entrance to my room, closing and locking the door just as he hits the top.

“Arden!” he shouts, pounding on the thick wood with heavy, closed fists. “Open up and talk to me!”

“Go away, Jackson. Give me a minute, please,” I reply weakly, my feet feeling like two cinder blocks as I trudge toward the bathroom, closing and locking myself in before lowering to the floor. Sucking in gulps of air that never seem to fully fill my lungs, I focus on not falling into the darkness. I don’t want to be there…I want to be here. I’m just not ready to have whatever conversation awaits me outside these walls.

I know Jacks better than anyone, and I could practically hear his thoughts in the kitchen. Gina’s words put doubt in his mind, and now he’s second-guessing whether or not we should be together. If that’s the case, and he wants out, I’ll do whatever I can to stop him. But if he ultimately chooses to walk away, he’ll take a big piece of me with him—and I just want to keep it for a little while longer.

The muffled knocks stop for a while, and I let my tears flow freely, feeling more and more numb with every second that ticks by. I allow my head to fall onto my knees when I can no longer support it on my own, and I wrap my arms around my legs, doing my best to hold myself together. My entire body aches as it trembles, and I jolt up as more thundering blows beat against the bedroom door. I vaguely hear Hawk’s booming voice, but I ignore it, knowing I’m too weak to answer loud enough for him to hear me anyway.

Remembering what I’ve worked on in therapy, I look around the room in an attempt to ground myself, starting with five things I can see.

Shower. Towel. Bathrobe. Lotion. Fluffy rug.

I inhale deeply, leaning to the side and running my hand along the plush fibers. The deep, velvety texture is soft against my palm, and I feel myself relax a little as I pass back and forth over it. Getting lost in the sensation for several minutes, I’m startled as a loudcrackbrings me back to reality. Heavy footsteps approach the bathroom door, followed by the sound of Hawk’s concerned voice.

“Baby, it’s me. Can you let me in?” His tone is full of gravel, yet breathless, which means someone likely woke him after I ran in here.

“I just need a few minutes,” I reply. “I’m okay.” It’s not a lie—at least, I don’tthinkit is. A few months ago, this panic attack would’ve sent me somewhere else. But right now, I’m coping by using the techniques I’ve learned. Do I want him in here, holding me and telling me it’s going to be alright? Yes. But I’d rather not face anyone until I’m ready.

“I’m right here,” he says. “You can stay in there as long as you want, but I’ll be sitting on the other side of this door. You aren’t alone.” My eyes fill with tears again, grateful that he understands what I need. It’s just too much all at once, and if I don’t take the time to find my center, I’ll spiral before we can even get to the bottom of things.

I try not to get swept away in the what-ifs as I think about what may come next for us. Jacks has always been the type to put others’ happiness and well-being before his own, and knowing that my career could be in jeopardy isn’t something he’ll be able to ignore. My hope is that he’ll talk to me, and we’ll figure out a way to get through this together.

I take more time for myself, listening to the calming softness of Hawk’s even breathing through the wood that separates us. As soon as I stand from the cold floor, I’m hit with my own reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red and swollen from crying, and my skin is covered in blotches. ButI’m here.And no matter what happens in the coming days, I’ll get through it, hopefully with Hawk and Jackson by my side.

Turning on the sink, I splash a few handfuls of cold water on my burning face, carefully blotting it with a towel. I take another deep, soothing breath, filling my lungs with oxygen before reaching forward and pulling on the doorknob. Hawk looks up from where he sits with his back against the wall, hurrying to his feet and yanking me into his comforting arms. Doing my best to stop more tears from falling because I don’t want to spiral all over again, I inhale his scent, focusing on the deep connection his embrace provides. I need it right now, and I’m grateful that he gets me the way he does.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers, pressing his lips to the crown of my head. “He went for a drive, and your parents took off to give us some time. Your dad was consoling Gina because she was pretty rattled, so I promised him I’d take care of you. He’s going to call to check on you later. We’ll let the dust settle, and then you and Jacks can talk about everything.” He pulls back just enough so that I can see his face when he tilts my chin up toward him. “Whatever you need from me, it’s yours. I’m not going anywhere.” The sincerity in his eyes is like a tranquilizer straight to my heart, and I lean into him, allowing him to bear the heavy weight of my body.

“I needhim,” I say weakly, my voice shaking with emotion.

“I know.” He leads me to the bed, sitting against the pillow before pulling me into his lap. I curl up, focusing on the warmth of his chest against my ear as we sit in silence for what seems like hours. But as soon as I hear the faint sounds of someone moving around downstairs, my pulse speeds up. I go rigid, looking at Hawk with fear written all over my face as footsteps come closer and the bedroom door—which now has a broken lock from his entrance earlier—pushes open.

“Hey,” Jackson croaks as I take in his dismal appearance. He looks about as rough as I do, his slumped posture and sullen expression telling me that he’s been going through it, too. “Can we talk?”

THIRTY-NINE

JACKSON

“I’ll be right downstairs,”Hawk says to Arden as he rises from the bed, kissing her gently before he heads in my direction. I’m expecting him to look at me. Talk to me—anythingto give me some indication of what he’s thinking—but he doesn’t. He just keeps his eyes on the floor, stepping past me as he exits the room. Maybe he’s pissed that I left when she needed me, but I had to get out of here for a while. Between Arden being so upset, and my mom attempting to reason with me after I told her I needed space to think, I couldn’t take it. I knew Hawk would take care of her, so I got the fuck out before I did something stupid, like break up with her without weighing every single pro and con.

I drove along the coast for almost an hour, thinking about what would happen if we went public with our relationship. Would people rip her apart? Would they say terrible, hateful things about the woman I love, tearing her down every day because she’s made room in her heart for two men? Would it cost her the endorsement she deserves more than anything in the world? Would she lose her job?

Even if there’s the slightest possibility of that, I have to do everything I can to prevent it. I can’t be the reason she doesn’t get to live her dream.

Walking toward her slowly, I lower to the mattress, sitting next to where she’s got her back against the headboard and her knees hugged tightly to her chest. It’s a protective position, and it fucking kills me that it won’t be able to shield her from what I’m about to do. I hate myself already, and I haven’t even forced out the words.

“Before I say anything, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart,” I tell her. “I’ll always be yours, just like I have been since the day we met.” Tears prick at the backs of my eyes, and my already broken heart threatens to shatter in my chest as she brings her pleading gaze to mine. I want to hold her—to tell her it’s going to be okay—but the truth is, I don’t know. And I refuse to put her future at risk. So, I swallow the lump in my throat, continuing the speech I rehearsed all the way home.

“My mom is right. The three of us being together could cost you your career. You’ve worked too fucking hard to get here, and I can’t let you throw it all away. We have to end this,” I barely choke out the final sentence, my chest tightening to the point of pain as it fights its way past my lips.

She shakes her head rapidly in disagreement, shooting to her knees and darting her hands out to clutch the fabric of my t-shirt. “No, Jacks—I don’tcareabout any of that,” she argues, the words rushing from her mouth in a panic. Her eyes well with tears, and I want to take it all back, so she doesn’t have to feel the pain I know is surging through her body right now. I know, because I fucking feel it, too.

“Yes, you do,” I reply, doing my best to reassure her with a hand on her soft cheek. “And I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you woke up one day and resented me for being the reason you lost it all. Just be with Hawk and love each other out loud. That’s what you deserve, Arden—you shouldn’t have to be anyone’s secret. Least of all, mine.”

“I don’t want this,” she says, tears spilling over as her eyes squeeze shut. “I want both of you. I want us to fight for each other. Fuck anyone who thinks our love is wrong.”

I exhale a shaky breath, unable to hold back my emotions any longer. Moisture streams down my cheeks, and I smile weakly, because it’s all I have to give her. “This is me, fighting for us, Princess. And it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done—knowing how it feels to have you, but letting you go anyway.”

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