Page 10 of Double Play

The rest of practice goes by in a blur. I focus on not straying from the plays Dahlia wants, instead of reading the court and doing what I think is best. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice grip every time the ball comes my way, but I somehow manage to avoid fucking up, even though my brain is trying to convince me that I don’t have what it takes to be here—that it’s only a matter of time before I’m cut from the team and living back in Tinsville, wishing I could’ve just been good enough.

As soon as my shoes are changed and all my gear is in my bag, I toss it over my shoulder and wordlessly walk out of the facility, not even bothering to shower or stick around while the others pack up. As the team captain, I make it a point to be the first one here and the last one to leave every day, but today…I justcan’t.I need to get out of here before anyone sees how fucking weak and unstable I really am, especially when I do everything I can to fool them into thinking the exact opposite.

I’m on autopilot as I make the long drive home, my mind going a million miles a minute with so many intrusive thoughts that I can barely register one before the next barrels toward me. My eyes are filled with unshed tears, and I hold them back for as long as I can until there’s nowhere else for them to go but down my cheeks. But I refuse to break down until I’m locked in my room, where nobody can see me. Where I can let my anxiety consume me, take from me, and eventually leave me alone until the next time.

The elevator ride from the lobby seems to go on for hours, and I barely even take a breath because I’m still holding everything inside. My chest is unbearably tight, and if I hadn’t been through this thousands of times over the years, I’d swear I was having a heart attack. The pit in my stomach is like a hundred-pound weight, the pressure inside me so intense that I feel like I can barely move as the suffocating metal box opens and I mindlessly make my way to the door of our condo. Placing my fingertip on the keypad, I watch as it blinks green before pushing the lever and entering the dark space.

The moment I know I’m inside and alone, with the guys still not back from their away trip, I break down. My bag falls from my shoulder, dropping to the floor with a thud as I take a few steps back, only stopping when the thick wood of the door presses against me. I lean on it as heavy tears spill over, running down my cheeks and soaking the fabric of my shirt. My legs wobble violently as I let go, dropping to my hands and knees because I can no longer bear the weight of my own body.

“No. No, no,” I whisper over and over through sobs. I can’t do this right here in the entryway. If Jackson and Hawk come home and find me like this, they’ll know how bad things are, and I don’t want them to see what a weak, pathetic girl I’ve become. So, I crawl. I do everything I can to move myself toward the stairs, knowing that if I can just get to my room and into the shower, I’ll be able to ride this out by myself and act like nothing ever happened.

“You can do it.Leg, arm, leg, arm,”I say on broken breaths, willing my limbs to do what I want and get me out of the main area of the house. But they’re heavy and I can’t breathe—and the stairs are so far away, I don’t think I can make it.

When it becomes too much, and I feel like every movement is depleting my oxygen supply, I give up, curling into the wall beside me, hugging my knees to my chest, and letting my anxiety pull me under…alone.

NINE

HAWK

I stepout of the elevator, exhausted from a long game and an even longer flight. Jackson had to meet with the trainer to have his hamstring worked on, and normally I’d have hung around since we drove together, but I could barely keep my eyes open as I waited for our bags to be unloaded from the team plane. I tossed him the keys to my truck and got a car to bring me home, because God only knows how long his treatment will take. All I want is to sleep for an entire twenty-four hours, starting right now.

I drag my aching feet down the hallway to our door, placing my finger on the lock pad and listening for the telltaleclick.As soon as it disengages, I push my way inside. It’s after nine at night, so I’m surprised when I don’t at least see the glow from the TV, where Arden usually binges reality shows after practice. Maybe she’s as tired as I am and already went to bed—or maybe she’s out. The idea of her on a date with a random guy in Daytona immediately floods my mind, making my blood simmer in my veins. I think of all the bad shit that could happen to her, and I’m here, unable to help.

She may not belong to me, but I’ll happily murder anyone who hurts her.

I slide the dimmer on the wall up, blanketing the living area in a low light as I head toward it. But a quiet, shaky gasp stops me in my tracks. I freeze, listening intently, stilling my own breaths until I hear it again. As soon as my eyes lock onto the source of the sound, I leap into action, dropping my bags where I stand and rushing over to where Arden is slumped in a heap against the wall of the entryway. She’s visibly shaking, a blank expression covering her tear-stained face. Her knees are hugged to her chest with her arms wrapped tightly around them as she absent-mindedly rocks herself back and forth.

“Hey,” I say, lowering myself to her level, cradling her cheeks in my hands, and tilting her head so she’s looking at me. She stares right into my eyes, but it’s like she’s not there at all. “What happened? Who did this to you?” I’m trying to keep my voice calm because she’s in the middle of one of the scariest panic attacks I’ve ever witnessed, but if I don’t figure out what the fuck is going on, I’ll burn this whole fucking city to the ground without asking a single question.

She sucks in a sharp breath. “I-I…” she struggles to push the words out, trailing off as they get caught in her throat. I wait, hoping she’ll give me more, but she doesn’t. She just continues looking through me with her eyes full of tears, tremors racking her fragile body while she falls deeper into the episode.

“I’m here, Hellcat,” I whisper, rubbing my thumbs back and forth along her cheeks. I feel like I’m on the verge of spiraling myself, since I’m usually on the other end of these fucking things—but she needs me right now, and I have to focus on pulling her back to the present. “I need you to come back to me. Find me, Arden. Follow my voice.”

“Hawk,” she chokes out, attempting to gasp for air. Hearing her say my name is a relief, but we’re not out of the woods yet—not by a long shot. If her anxiety is anything like mine, she’s in another place right now, where she’s in danger, and she either has to fight her way out or let it overtake her.

“Yeah. I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe.” With those words, her gaze focuses on mine, and although her expression is still blank, I swear she sees me. She’s no longer lookingthroughme; she’s lookinginsideme. That’s when I realize that her demons match mine. This beautiful, pure, sweet girl is battling something bigger than anyone knows, and the thought fucking kills me.

“It hurts,” she whimpers weakly. “Please.”

As soon as the plea falls from her lips, I know there’s no turning back. I’ll deal with the consequences of my actions later. Right now, I have to get her out of the darkness. She doesn’t belong there.

I tighten my grip on her face, leaning forward and pressing my mouth to hers. She’s stiff at first, but when I part her lips with my tongue, plunging it inside, she lets out a sigh of relief. Her body relaxes as she returns the kiss, telling me that I made the right decision. I’m sure once it’s over and I have time to replay the entire thing, my guilt will be all-consuming, but for now, I’m doing this for her.

I lick and suck gently—much gentler than I’m used to. A needy moan tumbles from her lips as she climbs to her knees and pushes me back onto my ass. I allow her to take what she needs as she straddles my lap, crashing her mouth to mine again and drawing every last molecule of air from my body. My head spins as her strawberry scent envelopes me, and I give in to my own desires for just a second. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her as close as I can—because if I’m going to betray my best friend and take this from the only girl he’s ever loved, I might as well go all in.

Her fists ball over the fabric of my t-shirt, and her hips shift just enough to give me a taste of the hot friction I’d sell my soul for right now, but I restrain myself from doing what I really want—thrusting up into her so she can feel exactly what she’s doing to me. Her moans and my growls fill the quiet room, and it makes me wonder what sounds she’d make when I sank inside her for the first time. Would she gasp? Scream? Cry? My cock weeps inside my boxer briefs, painfully hard and desperate to find out. My entire body is begging me to take her to my room and tie her up so I can feast on her the way I’ve been fantasizing about since the moment I met her, but I know I can’t do that. I’ve already crossed enough lines just by kissing her. I can’t lose Jackson. I wouldn’t survive it.

Minutes go by as we make out, losing ourselves in one another until she eventually slows her movements. I can tell the moment reality hits her because she goes rigid in my arms, an audible swallow working its way down her delicate throat as she backs away, until she climbs off me altogether, resting her ass on her feet as she fidgets with a hole in the knee of her leggings. I hate the distance immediately, although I’m used to it at this point. I wish we could justexistright now without having to worry about how it’s going to hurt the one person we care about most in the world, but that’s not our story. It never will be.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly, pushing a piece of chocolate-brown hair behind her ear. “I don’t know what happened. I’m so tired and I didn’t have a great practice. I think I jus?—”

“You don’t have to explain anything, Arden,” I reply coldly. I shouldn’t be hurt by the fact that she’s lying about whatever triggered that episode, but I am. I know it’s my own fault. I’ve done nothing but keep her at arm’s length since she arrived. I can’t expect her to trust me with something so vulnerable.

“Okay,” she replies, pushing up to her feet. She stands there awkwardly for several beats, neither of us saying a word. My brain is screaming at me to tell her I see her—that I’m all too familiar with the things she just experienced—but my mouth won’t say the words. I can’t let her in like that, because I know if I do, I’ll want to keep her. So instead, I say nothing, watching as she takes off up the stairs like her ass is on fire.

“Shit,” I mutter, scrubbing my shaking hands down my face. Now that it’s over and she’s okay, I realize how everything that just went down affected me. Should I have kissed her? No, probably not. But I needed to shock her system. What better way to do that than to give her the last fucking thing she expected?

Fuck, she tasted good. And the way she gripped my shirt when she held me close had me wishing the situation was different so I could rid her head of the shit that’s fucking with her—even if it were only for tonight.

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