Page 52 of Voice of the Ocean

Bastian thought for a moment and then shrugged. “If he does, he hasn’t told me.”

“That boy certainly loves to keep secrets.” Kiyami sighed.

Bastian grimaced but didn’t disagree. The group fell once more into silence. Nasir asked if anyone would like dessert, but no one wanted any. They passed the bottle around again.

“Whose night is it to wash the dishes?” Kiyami asked at last. It was something of a Captain Sharp rule that the officers did their own dishes. He said it made the meals feel more like one big happy family. Celeste had thought it a joke when he first told them, but now she wasn’t so sure. They certainly squabbled over it like a family.

“Celeste did them yesterday,” Nasir noted. Thankful, Celeste reached out, placing a hand on top of his and squeezed. He smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, and squeezed back. Her heart pinched in her chest. The swirling emotions from the day rose up inside her at once. She tried to press them back, but they were a whorl of color, painting her from the inside out. The bright orange of stress, a bruised purple homesickness, and queasy yellow fear—her constant companion. She took her hand away. If Nasir had noted her change, he didn’t show it.

Meanwhile, Torben, Bastian, and Kiyami looked among themselves. It was the same song and dance every night. Bastian and Torben hated doing dishes. They had been avoiding it since the voyage began. This normally left Kiyami and Celeste to volunteer.

“Oh no,” Kiyami said, staring down Bastian and Torben in turn. “I’ve already washed dishes twice! And we’ve only been at sea less than a week. You two grow up and sort it out among yourselves.”

“All right, let’s arm-wrestle for it,” said Torben.

“I’m—I’m not going toarm-wrestle for it,” said Bastian, avoiding the man’s gaze.

“Why not?”

“Be—because...” Bastian sputtered. Anyone with eyes could see why he wouldn’t want to wrestle. Torben’s one arm was bigger than both of Bastian’s. And although Bastian was much taller than Torben, the gunner was built like a cannon. Short and compact. “I’ll do the dishes.”

Torben, who clearly wanted to wrestle Bastian for it, looked rather put out.

Bastian stood from the table and held up the parchment. “Would someone check on Rai and show him this?”

Celeste had been wanting an excuse to see Raiden’s room ever since she arrived. She reached for the parchment.

Bastian hesitated. The pause was brief, but strange. Did he not trust her? Bastian had been more than kind to her up until now. And as far as she knew, Raiden hadn’t told Bastian she was a siren. Did he blame her for what had happened to Raiden? Indigo guilt dropped like a stone in her stomach. She tried to push this away too, but it was getting harder to do so. Bastian was right not to trust her. No one on this ship should.

He placed the parchment in her hand. “Thank you,” he said. “But if he’s asleep, leave him be for tonight.”

The group dispersed. But as Celeste pushed open the door to the officers’ quarters, Kiyami followed.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

Celeste stopped walking and turned. With a look of concern, Kiyami reached out a hand toward Celeste but must have remembered the last time Celeste had flinched from her in the jail. Kiyami let it drop to her side. It was too much. She didn’t want Kiyami digging through her feelings, bringing them up. But the feelings surfaced anyway. Purple, indigo, yellow, and orange mixed until she couldn’t separate them. They turned black. Confused. She couldn’t hold them down. She couldn’t breathe. Why was this happening to her? Why was she like this? She had been fine a moment ago.

Falling apart in front of Kiyami was the last thing Celeste wanted to do. She’d look weak. Unreliable. These humans weren’t her friends. Or her family. And if they were, they’d only push her away. Because these feelings were too big. And she couldn’t control them. Why couldn’t she control them? Why did she feelsomuch? Kiyami was strong and sturdy. Celeste wished to be like that.

And so she swallowed and gave Kiyami what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“All right.” Kiyami looked unconvinced. “You know where to find me if you need me.” Then she turned and headed back to the deck.

The siren clenched and released her fists at her sides. Kiyami hadn’t asked anyone else if they were okay. Even now, so far away from home, she couldn’t escape it. It took mere days for Kiyami to discover how weak Celeste was. How fragile. How easily overwhelmed. Her feelings felt like water. She tried to hold them in her hands, to carry them as everyone else seemed to, but the feelings kept coming. Pouring over. Finding every crack between her fingers and slipping through. Spilling out. The only thing she’d found that helped was escaping to the surface. Or crying about it, apparently. Although usually that made everything feel worse. It was shameful to cry, especially in front of others. But Celeste couldn’t count how many times she’d cried in front of Maeve. Maeve had never cried in front of her.

No one did.

She was simply weaker than them. And no amount of training or drills or lessons ever helped. Perhapsshewas the problem. Her stupid bleeding heart was the whole reason she was in this mess in the first place. All because she couldn’t stomach watching a human die. And now she had saved him again. Betrayed her people, again. All for the sake of a murderous pirate.

The tears came. They always did. And she couldn’t hold them either.

Maybe she would go to bed. She didn’t want Raiden to see her like this, and he was probably asleep anyway. Nasir had ordered him to rest, after all. Raiden could see the parchment tomorrow. Then she would have fresh eyes to search his room for clues as to what sort of secret treasure he was risking their lives for. She slipped inside her room, hoping the space would calm her. It didn’t. The walls were too thin, and he could hear her.Be strong, she demanded.A strangled sob escaped her lips.

She wasn’t strong.

Another sob.

She was out of control.

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