Page 86 of Finding the Pieces

“I’m really glad you told us,” Abby says, her voice kind and reassuring. “You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.”

“Dom knows everything. I came out of the anesthesia and couldn’t hold anything in, it all came spilling out before I was lucid. I’m not sure I would have told him otherwise. He looked traumatized, too, but he still listened to me and held me. Immediately afterward, he asked the nurse for a therapy referral. She told him it was ‘just the baby blues.’”

I didn’t want to share the story with anyone else after that.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Carissa asks, rage rolling off her like I’ve never seen from her before.

“Yeah.” I laugh, because, you know…trauma. “I’ve never seen him so upset. He requested someone new for the rest of the shift, and the next nurse gave us the information we needed. She was amazing.”

I duck my head, shame threatening to swallow me whole. “It’s felt like that ever since. Other people picking up the pieces. I’m so mad at myself for not being able to do this on my own. It feels like I’m this heavy anchor weighing everyone down.”

“No one has ever seen you that way. Parents werenevermeant to do this alone. Besides, what you went through was terrifying. It’s not like you could prepare for something like that,” Evie says.

“But shouldn’t I have been able to dosomething? Every minute of that day has looped in my mind over and over, and every time I wonder,what if? What if I did this or that differently? Would it still have happened the way it did? Did the choices I made put us into that situation?”

“Ellie, there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes things just go wrong, and there isn’t anything anyone could have done to prevent it.” Carissa gives me a thoughtful look before asking, “What would happen if you decided to forgive yourself? If you just said, hey, I did the best I could then and I’m doing the best I can now.”

“Then I’d be admitting to myself thatnothingis in my control.”

If I can’t control everything, then I can’t control anything. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s just how it feels. How can I expect to function with so much uncertainty?

“Isn’t that life?” Bec asks.

“I guess,” I say with a shrug. “All I want is to watch my son grow up and see the joy the world can bring him. But the way our lives together started tainted my view of it all. It feels like I can’t ever relax, can’t ever enjoy anything, because the worst is lurking around the corner, waiting for me to get comfortable before swooping in and stealing everything I ever wanted.”

People love to quote statistics to new parents.The chance of that happening is so low. That rarely happens, don’t worry.But statistics no longer make me feel comfortable, because the chances of something bad happening can be small…but they still happen tosomeone. This time it was us. Being on the receiving end of something that israreorunlikelyjust makes you feel even more isolated when it does happen.

“I used to think the same thing,” Evie says with a soft smile. Last year, she and Aiden shared some of the struggles their family faced while they were growing up, and even though she doesn’t mention it, I know it’s weighing on her mind. “It’s easier to get comfortable with the idea that things can’t get better, and if they did, then they won’t last. It feels like you’re doing yourself a favor, saving yourself from a worse fallout when it all goes to shit. But you’re also robbing yourself of so much joy. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you deserve to be happy.”

I want to believe her. I want totry.

Chapter forty-six

Dom

“How are things at work, Dominic?” my therapist, David, asks during our virtual session. Thankfully, Luca is still napping, so it looks like I’ll get to finish the appointment without having to also watch an infant. Hard to focus on adult conversations with a toddler trying to destroy the house.

“Overall, pretty good. The school year’s coming to a close, so things will be busy this month. I’m volunteering with prom, after-prom, and the graduation ceremony for the seniors before I finally get to enjoy some overdue family time over summer break.”

“And what about at home? Luca’s well?”

I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face. “His big personality is really shining. He’s a happy kid. Thankfully, his sleeping habits are getting better too.”

Knock on fucking wood right now, you stupid asshole.He’ll probably sleep like shit for a week now that I’ve opened my mouth.

Never acknowledge the good nights.He’ll hear and change the program.

“And with Ellie?”

I pause, nervous to say it out loud. I’ve been working with David since Luca was born. He won’t judge me, but he will be honest with me. Sometimes the truth is fucking scary. Like,is my marriage failing?

But I didn’t come this far to avoid facing the reality of our situation, and honestly, I could use an impartial opinion on what the fuck I should do right now. I spend a few minutes catching David up on my recent fight with Ellie and the trip she’s on with the girls.

“So, Ellie comes home tomorrow,” he says carefully.

“Yup,” I say, rolling my lips and biting down.

“Tell me if I’m wrong, but you seem anxious.”

---