Page 82 of Finding the Pieces

Every day, I’m living and learning through a new kind of failure, not sure when I’ll stabilize. Not sure when I’ll become the mom I always wanted to be.

That mom would have been great. But maybe…I’m a pretty great mom, too, just as I am, scars and flaws and all. Hurt, but healing.

Chapter forty-three

Dom

“We’re going to figure out how to fix my marriage…at the zoo?” I ask as Dylan hands wristbands to the rest of the guys at the ticket booth.

Jake, Chris, Dylan, and Aiden crowd around me and the stroller, where Luca is already clapping, pointing, and making elephant sounds as he points to the exhibit signs.

“No, we’re not talking about how you’re going to fix anything. We’re just going to talk,” Jake says, as if it’s obvious.

“Oookay,” I reply. Jake planned this guys’ day after our visit to the library. It’s nice to have an extra set of hands around to help with Luca while Ellie’s away, so I’m not going to fight them on this.

I pride myself on being a hands-on dad, but it’s so much easier to parent as a team. It’s all on me right now, minus the visits from friends and family.

Dylan pulls up a map of the zoo on his phone as we walk through the main entrance.

“Have you never been to the zoo?” I ask.

“Uh, no?” Dylan says. “I’m almost thirty, why would I come to the zoo?”

“Dude, you’re missing out. You’re looking at members over here,” I say, pointing a thumb between Luca and me. “One of the gorillas had a baby eightmonths ago. It’s awesome. Ditch the map. Luca and I are your tour guides today.”

The guys take turns pushing the stroller, offering Luca snacks, even holding Luca’s hand as he teeters from one exhibit to the next. Today is another one of those memories I don’t want to forget. I pester the guys into taking one of the group photos the zoo offers and buy the overpriced picture with a rainforest-themed frame.

We talk as we make our way through the zoo. Aiden and I fill the rest of the group in on what the girls have been up to while on their trip. We catch up on Aiden’s last game and talk about his schedule for the rest of the season. Jake and Chris share their plans with us for their upcoming two-week trip to Europe, and Dylan refuses to update us on his single guy life, mumbling something about how there’s not much to talk about. He ties his longer-than-usual, dark blond hair in a knot at the base of his neck as he denies going on any recent dates.

“You want to talk to someone who’s got a good dating life, seems like you’ve come to the right place,” Dylan says, before letting out a long whistle.

“Oh my god, can they—can they show that here?” Chris whispers with an edge of panic in his voice. “Oh my god, the baby. Close your eyes, Luca!” he shouts, running over to stand in front of the stroller. “Shield him, Jake. Shield the youth’s eyes.”

I turn and see two very enthusiastic gorillas goingat it.

“Well, how do you think they got the baby?” I ask.

“Jesus Christ, don’t they have a privacy curtain or something?” Jake asks.

“Huh, just a couple of exhibitionists. Who knew?” Dylan smirks and shrugs, stuffing both hands in his pockets, his sense of humor returning.

“I think it’s making eye contact with me. Let’s get out of here,” Aiden says, before power walking to the next exhibit, looking over his shoulder to make sure he’s not still being watched.

“Maybe he wants an autograph,” Dylan taunts.

The whole thing is so ridiculous, I can’t stop laughing. Thankfully, Luca leaves the exhibit with no idea what happened, too distracted by the toys attached to the stroller buckle.

I guess I have been feeling stressed lately. It’s nice to have this time with the guys without the pressure of talking—

“Okay, ready to talk?” Jake presses.

Fucking hell.

“I thought we weren’t doing that today,” I grumble in reply.

“I said we weren’t talking about how to fix your marriage, and we’re not. We’re talking about you.”

I give him a look. “I don’t even know what that means.”

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