Page 80 of Finding the Pieces

“Ellie, please don’t do that. It’s notnothing. Your first night away from Luca is a big deal. Doing it on your first long weekend away from home ishuge. Thank you for giving us this time.”

“Of course, I trust you.”

“You’re my best friend, but sometimes I don’t know if what I say helps or hurts, so if this is the wrong thing to say, please tell me. I want to remind you that Luca is safe. Dom will take care of him, but if at any point you want to leave, I will get your ass to an airport so fast you won’t even have your shoes on before we pull up and that boy is in your arms. I swear it.”

I giggle at the image. Yeah, I could see it.

“I’m okay. Dom and I hung up right before you finished up in the shower. He showed me the monitor and Luca is sleeping like a dream, thank god. It’d be hard to be away if I knew Luca was struggling. But he’s doing really well.”

“Then why are you crying, babe?”

I sniffle. I hadn’t even realized I’d started.

“I don’t know. I want them both to do well while I’m gone, but it also makes me feel like I’m not needed.”

“Ellie, I have no doubt when you get back home, Dom will make sure you know just how needed you are.”

After a beat, we both break out into a fit of laughter. I know my eccentric, over-the-top husband is doing great, but parenting is a huge job. I’m sure Bec’s right, he’ll welcome me home withenthusiasm, wanting a break and a minute to himself.

“Is any of this helping?” she asks, the hope evident in her tone. For a moment, I imagine what it’s like for Bec to watch me go through this. We’ve been friends since we were in preschool. I never want to see her hurting. What is it like for her to see me struggle like this? Does she wish I’d just get over it?

No, Bec would never expect that from me. I have to stop trying to bury everything. I have to let her in. I have to let them all in. Dom, Bec, my family, my friends.

I can’t carry this anymore, but I don’t know how to put it down.

“I think it’s helping,” I say. “Motherhood…isn’t what I expected. I don’t think I’ll ever be the person I was before, which makes me sad. It makes me feel like this huge piece of me is missing, but lately, Dom’s game—and everyone’s contributions to it—has made me feel like maybe there’s more of that version of me buried inside somewhere. I feel like I’m finding pieces of the me I used to be, and she’s coming back to life a little bit at a time.”

“I’m so relieved. How is being a parent different than you expected?”

“You want kids of your own, Bec. I don’t want you to think that my experience will be the same as yours someday.”I don’t want to scare you.

“Please, don’t worry about me. I want to know.” Bec’s hand finds mine in the dark and gives me a reassuring squeeze.

“I feel like a failure every single minute of every single day,” I spill into the silent space between us.

Once the worst is out there, I can’t seem to stop.

“I thought parenting would come naturally. When it didn’t, I figured soon enough, it would. But while I wait for this magical maternal instinct to kick in, I’m left waiting, lacking confidence in every small step I take. There’s so much pressure to do everything the right way, and everyone has an opinion on what the right way is. How am I supposed to know what to do when there are a thousand voices screaming about every single decision I have to make? They never shut up and they never agree and I’m caught in the middle of information overload with zero confidence in myself.

“Engage with your child and keep his mind busy, but also let him be bored and learn how to play on his own. Get this toy to help with his fine motor skills, but don’t have too many toys—that’ll overwhelm him. Make sure you’re still contributing to the household income, but don’t let someone else raise your kid. Don’t hover, but also keep him safe at all times because how could you let that happen? Sleep train your baby, but don’t make them cry it out. Fed is best, butdon’t you want to make all-organic homemade baby food? Sacrifice your body for your baby, but make sure you bounce back and don’t look like you had a baby at all. Keep in touch with your friends, but don’t abandon your child and your partner. Make time for self-care, but make sure the dishes are done. Sleep when the baby sleeps, but don’t forget to fold the laundry. Slow down and involve your child in your daily routine, but also make sure your house isn’t a mess. Create magical moments, take tons of pictures and videos, but also slow down and live in the present. Make sure you get your kid to all their appointments, but don’t make a scene in the waiting room when your kid has a goddamn diaper blowout up his back. Breastfeed, but not in public, for fuck’s sake. Keep your kid safe, but don’t smother them because they need to learn to be fearless and independent. Help them find their confidence and learn to make decisions for themselves even if you can’t do those things yourself. Make sure everyone in your family has what they need, but don’t let your sex life suffer or your partner will get bored. And don’t complain for a second because you should be grateful for it all because one day you’ll wish you savored every minute of this time when your kids are grown and on their own and leave you behind.”

I’m so fucking tired.

“Jesus Christ,” Bec mutters. “That’s a nightmare.”

“On top of it all, I’m terrified that all Luca will remember about this time is how stressed out I am. How I can never relax and have fun. I’m caught between nightmares in the past and fear of the future. Somedays feel like a series of one misstep after another.”

“I can’t pretend to understand what you went through, Ellie, or what it feels like now, but I need you to know that no one is expecting you to be perfect at everything. That’s why we have each other. To lean on, to talk things through, and to figure it out together. You’ll always have me. I’m not the best at diaper changes, given my track record, but I’ll do whatever you need, anytime, Momma.

“From where I’m standing, you’re not giving yourself nearly enough credit. I wish you could see what I see. I see a mom who loves her son with her entireheart. I see a mom who plays and laughs, who does her best and learns from her mistakes.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, tears sinking into my pillow. “It helps to hear that the war I’m fighting in my own mind isn’t what you see.”

“You don’t have to fight this battle alone, Ellie. You have me. You have Dom. You have so many people who will show up for you, no questions asked. We only want you to be happy.”

“I want to be happy too,” I choke on the words. It’s a relief saying the words out loud. “I mean, I am happy, but I’m also so angry. It feels like so many moments of joy have been stolen or ruined by my anxiety.”

“Does it feel better doing this? Giving it a voice and letting it go. Letting me carry it with you for a while?”

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