Page 71 of Finding the Pieces

“You deserve more than what I can give you,” she whispers, not hearing anything I’m saying.

“Don’t do this, Ellie,” I beg, my voice finally breaking, a sense of dread and cold helplessness rushing over me.

“I’m not doing anything. I’m finally admitting what we’ve been living in denial of for over a year. Maybe this is it for us. Maybe there’s no coming back from this. What if everything that happened broke us? We’re different people than we were before.”

“Jesus, Ellie. What are you saying?”

“Do you want out?” she asks, voice steady, eyes dry.

I stride toward her, taking her face in my hands, her body melting into mine for a moment, closing her eyes, before she pulls back and returns her stare, empty of everything.

“Never. You aremy wifeand I will never want out. I’m really fucking trying here, but you’re still drifting away from me, like you’d rather push me away than let me in. There’s not one fucking part of me that doesn’t believe we’re not meant for each other. And when you’re meant for each other, none of the other shit matters. We will get through this. Tell me you still love me. That you still want me. That you still wantus.”

She stares at me, perfectly still. Expression empty of any emotion at all. I can barely breathe.

“Fuck, Ellie, why can’t you tell me that?” I plead, barely above a whisper.

“Because I don’t want to feel anything!” Her scream echoes through the room. My body is frozen. Her chest heaves, her eyes wide, lost, and fearful. She’s seconds from falling apart and I don’t think either of us is strong enough to put the pieces back together. “If I let myself feelanything…then I have to feeleverything, and I…I can’t do that. Please don’t make me do that,” she sobs.

“Ellie, you have to. You have to let it all in, baby. But I promise I’ll be here for you every step of the way. You’re stronger than what happened. You’re stronger than you ever believed. I’ve watched you heal physically. I know you can do the same with your heart. What if we try therapy again—”

“What, so they can confirm all the things I already know? That I’m an awful mom with horrifying thoughts who will never be good enough. Why can’t you accept that this is all that’s left?”

“Goddammit, Ellie. Stop talking about yourself like you aren’t worthy. Iloveyou,” I yell, losing all control. I take a breath in a feeble attempt to calm myself. I’m backed into a corner and no matter what I say, Ellie’s acting like we’ve already lost. Finally speaking at a normal volume, I plead, “Let me love you.”

“I don’t know if I can. I’m not the same person I was when we met, when we got married, or even when we decided to start a family. I’m never going to be theperson I was before all this shit happened and now I have to live with that and figure out who I am on this side of it all.”

“You don’t have to figure this out all on your own. You don’t have to be that person you used to be to be. Don’t you see? The best parts of you arestill here, Ellie.”

“I wish you weren’t wrong.”

Chapter thirty-six

Dom

“Then she left. Went to her parents. Said she needed a couple hours to herself.”

“Fuck, man. I’m sorry. I thought things were getting better,” Aiden says.

Yeah, me too.

Hopper’s snoring on a dog bed in front of a small stack of unpacked moving boxes. Aiden’s got enough shit to deal with, what with moving into his new home with Bec, unpacking everything, and being in the thick of his spring season. Thankfully, their place isn’t far from ours.

I couldn’t stand being in our house after Ellie left the way she did. When Luca woke up from his nap, I packed his stuff and brought him straight here, only calling Aiden on the way to give him a couple minutes’ notice. He didn’t question it at all and said we were welcome anytime.

“I think you and the guys were right from the start. I was kidding myself thinking I could help with some stupid fucking game.”

Aiden’s face reads of pity and it makes my stomach turn.

“I’ll admit I was worried before, but I think it’s helping more than you’re giving yourself credit for,” Aiden says. “Even Bec has mentioned how good she thinks this is for Ellie. Look, if there’s anything David’s helped me see, it’s thathealing works differently for everyone. There’s no right way to do it. It’s not as if a switch flips and one day you’re done doing the work. I know it’s probably not what either of you want to hear, but this might just be something Ellie always needs to manage. But I wouldn’t give up on your plan. It seems like this is helping her find her footing again. There’s bound to be some setbacks.”

David’s the therapist I started seeing regularly after Luca was born. I gave Aiden his information at the end of last summer, when he found himself at rock bottom and needed a professional to help him work through it. While I know what he’s saying is true, it still evokes feelings of defensiveness.

I don’t want Ellie to have tomanageanything. I want her tothrive.

“It’s impossible to watch her take three steps forward and then fall ten steps back. No warning. Nothing I can do to help. I feel so fucking helpless it makes me want to rip my skin off.”

I catch Aiden’s grimace before he holds the bridge of his nose.

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