Page 6 of Finding the Pieces

My stomach sours as guilt settles in. How could I miss thebeforeEllie? How could I miss the person I used to be when I have everything I dreamed of finding?

I’ve always wanted to have a family with the person I love, and that dream has come true. Here I am dreaming about the life I had before.God, what is wrong with me?

I jump back into the conversation here and there with small comments, but nothing of real substance, too afraid I’ll blurt out what I can’t stop thinking: I love my husband, but I have absolutely zero sex drive, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Fictional intimacy doesn’t scare me like real intimacy does. These stories are safe, I’m in control of what happens and what feels good to me. Anything more makes me feel out of control…again.

Not that Dom isn’t the most giving, respectful, and not to mention enthusiastic partner I could ever hope to find. But it’s been almost a year since I gave birth, and my bodystilldoesn’t feel like mine. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror or even the way I feel in my clothes. Shit, I’m still breastfeeding. My body isnotmy own right now.

Sexy is the last word I’d use to describe how I feel. It’s impossible to want sex when I feel this…disconnected from my body.

Dom deserves better than what I can give him.

The girls and I wrap up for the night and decide on the details for next month’s get-together.

“Hey.” Bec tugs my elbow before I shove my arm into the sleeve of my jacket in the entryway of Carissa’s apartment. “You doing okay?” she asks quietly, just for my ears.

My chosen sister asking me that is unfair. She’s known me for most of my life. I can’t lie to her, but I also can’t bring myself to do this right now.

I’m sick of talking about myself. And ifI’msick of it, then everyone else has to be sick of me and my issues too. It must be exhausting listening to me fixate on the same things over and over, but I can’t turn off these intrusive thoughts cycling through my head on repeat. A broken cadence of fear, anxiety, and irrational musings.

Bec went through a lot this past year, working through her own issues and helping Aiden overcome his personal struggles too. I don’t need to weigh her down with mine.

The shoulder to cry on. The confidant. The helper. Those are the roles I’d rather take on. I’m tired of being the one they have to keep an eye on.

“Of course, just tired. Luca had a rough night and I’m hoping I can catch up on some sleep tonight.” She gives me a look that tells me I don’t have her convinced, but she doesn’t push me on it.

I give her a hug and feel the cover-up I wear slip back into place. The one I recognized on Carissa earlier tonight. The one I barely recognize myself without anymore.

Chapter four

Dom

Iroll my head from shoulder to shoulder, attempting to shake the unease creeping up my spine. I never know what I’ll find when I step through the door from our garage into our home.

I kick off my shoes, finding the living room empty, and make my way to the kitchen, dropping my stuff on the counter. An echo of laughter reverberates down the hallway.

My heart skips.

Maybe today’s a good day.

Following the sound of an upbeat melody, interrupted by raucous giggles, I find myself at the bathroom door left slightly ajar. I quietly press my palm against the door and slowly push. I cross my arms and lean against the doorway, my grin growing as the sight before me floods every atom of my heart with hope.

Ellie’s sitting on the floor beside the tub, her back toward me, rocking her body from side to side, her arms moving dramatically as she sings an upbeat nursery rhyme Luca loves—one that I always seem to forget the words to causing me to fudge it a little bit every time I sing it. I catch glimpses of Luca’s face as Ellie acts out the lyrics and dances from her seat on the floor, making sound effects, all to Luca’s delight.

He’s beaming at her. He loves his momma so damn much.

I knew she’d fucking rock this.God, I wish she knew it too.

Giggles burst from our infant—soon-to-be toddler—as he claps off-rhythm and reaches for Ellie.

This is one of those moments.

Those moments that I desperately wish I could catch and cement into memory. But there are so many of those now that Luca’s in our life, I know I’ll never be able to hold tight enough for them to outlast the passing of time.

I know it’s a gift to feel this grateful, this happy that I want to remember everything with perfect clarity. But even my happiest memories from the last year are already blurred around the edges—whether from the fog of sleep deprivation or the normal fading of time, I can’t be sure. Either way, it feels like I’m grieving the days as they hurry by, wishing with every pulse in my veins I could slow them down to have more time in the present.

I watch my small family. Observe every detail, soak in every sound, and hold the warmth of this soon-to-be faded memory close.

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