Page 69 of Finding the Pieces

Bec must have some kind of sense for my impending mental breakdown, because at that moment I get a video chat from her, Hopper curled up into her side.

My face must say it all.

“What happened?” she asks, sitting up and causing Hopper to look alert.

I tell her everything, sounding as detached as I feel. With an emotional hurricane swirling in my chest, I’m always surprised at how I can shut it down and mask up.

Everything’s fine. We’re fine.

Still, I vent about the stranger, her judgment, and her insane idea to take a binkie out of a kid’s mouth.

“That woman has issues. You don’t just say shit like that to people, and you sure as fuck don’t take a binkie from a stranger’s baby.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t need to react like that, did I? I probably looked like the crazy one. You should have seen how many people were staring.”

“I would have stared, too, and given you a standing ovation. You can’t let some stranger’s opinion ruin your perception of yourself. You’re a wonderful mom, Ellie. And hey, at least you didn’t have Dee with you. She would have taken that binkie and shoved it up that woman’s—”

A sharp cry rings out. I was so distracted venting to Bec, that I didn’t see Luca fall. I turned my head for one second…he must have bumped his jaw on the edge of the coffee table. I drop my phone, forgetting the call with Bec completely, especially when I pick up Luca and discover he must have bit down hard when he fell. Blood pools on his tiny split lip.

I’m immediately crying with him. Heaving sobs escape as I let it all go. This shit show of a day just needs to end.

I rock, pat, shush, soothe, and apologize a hundred times to my son, who is incapable of forgiving me at this age.

After a couple minutes of us crying in each other’s arms, we both settle down enough for me to take him to his room. As if getting away from where he got hurt will undo the accident. We play in there for a bit before I get him ready for his nap.

I’m nursing him to sleep when another stroke of guilt hits me. The bottom of his chin is bruised from his fall.Fuck, I can’t believe I let this happen.

This day just keeps getting worse and Luca is the one paying for it.

Maybe that woman was right about me. I am a bad mother.

I sing an extra song and hold Luca a little longer before putting him down for his nap. I grab the baby monitor and plop onto my bed. I hold the screen above me as it comes to life. He looks so peaceful. Tears collect in the corner of my eye, waiting to fall.

How can so many things go wrong in an hour?

Feelings of inadequacy, shame, and guilt all crash around my mind until a notification on my phone interrupts my thoughts.

Bec:Is Luca sleeping?

Ellie:Just got him down. Sorry, I think I hung up on you. Luca fell, and I had to handle it. Call you tomorrow?

Bec:Then I won’t knock. Let me in.

Why is she here?

I open the front door, but before I can get a word out, her arms are around me, and I’m sobbing again. Every emotion I tried to bury from the day floods my cheeks.

“I didn’t say code red,” I hiccup once my tears have slowed, referring to our code we invented in middle school forget here now, I need you.

“You didn’t have to,” Bec says, gripping me tighter.

I lean against my best friend and let her try to hold me together, but I fall to pieces anyway.

Chapter thirty-five

Dom

The house is quiet when I get home from work. I caught up with Bec in the driveway before she left. She didn’t say much other than that Ellie had a bad day, and she wanted to be here for her.

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