Page 58 of Finding the Pieces

I’d join her and make sure she put extra pillows underneath her knees and then rub her feet, aching from carrying the two most important pieces of this world around all day.

We’d talk about the seemingly little things—which books we wanted to read to him, which swaddle looked best, what baby monitor we wanted. Then we’d get caught up in lengthy talks about the big things—what parts of parenthood scared us, how unprepared we felt for the unknown, what type of home we wanted to raise our family in, and how we wanted our home tofeel.

It seemed to be the most important question. What do we want it tofeellike being a part of this family?

The obvious things, of course; we wanted everyone to feel comfortable and happy, but more than that, we wanted it to feel safe, loving beyond any condition, a place of compassion and understanding for when life was too hard. A place all of us could shelter from any storm. A place our kids would feel comfortable talking to us about anything and asking about everything. One without shame, only growth, without judgment, only acceptance and love.

We dreamed about family traditions we wanted to continue from our own childhoods and ones we wanted to start new, our own little trio forging a new path.

An ache settles into my lungs, my breath cut short, feeling like the hope and optimism we had during that time—the anticipation and excitement—is so far away. Reality stormed into our lives and for a year, we could only focus on the next task, the next hour, the next day—caught up in a circle of survival.

I know it’s hard on Ellie when reflecting on the most challenging parts of parenthood. Like she’s comparing all of our everyday moments to someone else’s best ones.

I know parenthood is more than anyone or anything could have prepared us for. Shit, I had no idea what I was doing—still don’t most days. But looking at Ellie reminds me why I’m not scared at all…I’m doing this withher.

Luca is finally down for his nap, and god, I hope he takes a good one. It took thirty minutes to get him down, I assume because he was overtired and we missed the good window to get him to sleep.

Ellie startles as I pull out the chair catty-corner to her to sit, relaxing into the seat and crossing one leg over the other, ankle over knee.

“Wow, I didn’t hear you come in,” she says.

“You seem pretty focused. What are you working on, knockout?”

Her face lights up, and she blushes. “Knockout? That’s new.”

I shrug, running my eyes over her body. “Seems fitting.”

“Please,” she draws out. “If by fitting, you mean I look like I’ve been knocked on my ass and this is the best I could pull myself together, then sure.”

She’s wearing an old pajama set, one I think she got during her pregnancy.

Are those milk stains from nursing? Sure. Maybe a few holes from how often it’s been worn and washed? Seems like it. But she could wear anything and I’d still see the same thing I’ve always seen when I look at her…

“You’re perfect, Ellie. But I’m always looking for a reason to get you out of your clothes…want another one?” I raise an eyebrow as I hand her a small gift bag.

“Another one?” she says, failing to hide the surprise and excitement in her voice as she digs into the bag to find the special puzzle piece among the twenty or so regular ones.

“Another one. One week. Next Saturday, if that’s okay with you.” I was afraid to have Ellie’s mom come over today to watch Luca after our last fight about the playoff game where I committed to plans without talking to her first. It made her anxiety peak. I know better now; she needs more notice than that.

“PJs for days,” she reads, finally finding the piece. “What does it mean?”

“I love these.” I lean forward, tugging on the sleeve of her shirt. “But I want to spoil you.”

Her face lights up and she leans forward to wrap her arms around my shoulders.

“It’s a date,” she whispers into my neck.

***

“Okay, ground rules,” I say, clapping my hands together.

“Dom,” she says, an exasperated laugh escaping her. “Why do we need ground rules to buy pajamas?”

“Ellie.” I tsk. “How long have you known me? Since when are things that simple?”

She nods, biting her smile to hide her smart-ass smile from me. “With you? Never. Absolutely never.”

“I didn’t bring you here so you could pick out pajamas and we’d go home. That’s boring and you didn’t settle for boring when you married me.”

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