Page 35 of Finding the Pieces

I don’t normally share this much with the girls. I barely talk about things with Dom—only when I fall apart after holding it in for so long, or the feeling of failing consumes me and I break apart despite my every attempt not to.

A hollow sort of numbness swept over me the moment everything spiraled out of control when Luca was born, and I’ve never fully wanted to feel anything since.

If I let myself feel that soul-igniting happiness, that heart-pumping desire, that exhilarating carefree eagerness, that lungs-on-fire laughter, then the other big emotions will follow.

I’m not ready to face them. The panic, fear, shame, guilt, incompetence, and lack of control. If I keep my feelings small, buried away, busy myself with anything and everything. Keep my mind and body focused on other people, other things, then none of it can catch up with me.

But sharing half of my heart isn’t enough for Dom anymore. What if I lose him because I’m not ever willing to put in the work?

I know I need help. I know he’d do everything he could to make that happen if I told him I was ready. Every time I try to say the words, make the call, set up the appointment with a new therapist, something stops me. This voice in my head saying,if you do this, then everyone will know.

I’ll have to give voice to everything, all the intrusive thoughts, and that makes them so fucking real.

I’m terrified that I’ll never truly heal. That this is my forever. That I’ll never get to be the mom I wanted to be, the wife I used to be, or the woman I was.

Becoming a mom added so much more than a title. It turned thatbeforewoman into a stranger and theafterwoman into a ghost. Here, but not really. Present, but hollow. Aware, but empty.

“What would be so wrong with letting him, El?” Bec asks, reaching over to take my hand in hers. “If you’re right, then this game isn’t just for you but also for him. Maybe he knows you need this, and doesn’t realize he does too. There is no world where Dom considers you a burden. Your relationship isn’t one side giving and the other taking. Sometimes you show love and need love differently. If this is something you want, I think you should trust that Dom wants it too. Just because it might bring you happiness doesn’t automatically mean it’s his burden. Why can’t it mean happiness for you both?”

“Doesn’t that make us a little codependent?” I ask.

“Making good memories together doesn’t sound like codependency to me,” Bec says.

It’s hard to argue when she frames it like that. She smiles, sensing victory. “So, you’re all in then?” I ask. “You all have puzzle pieces in Dom’s secret stash?”

“We’re all in,” Dee agrees. “He didn’t explain how it’ll all work, just that we were all building a puzzle together. We all still have our puzzle pieces. Dom hasn’t collected them from us yet, so we still have time to think of what we want ours to be.”

“He also wanted you to be able to talk about it with us, without being biased by his explanation,” Bec adds.

Fuck, that man is something else. He gave me this. This thoughtful gift, and then let me have this moment with my girls.

“So, tell us everything,” Abby says with enthusiasm.

I allow myself a small smile, sharing everything Dom told me last night. The girls’ excitement feels like permission to finally feel it too. Maybe I can let myself have this indulgent fun. Maybe I let Dom play this game and see where it gets us, for once not letting my anxiety make the decision for me.

Chapter seventeen

Ellie

“Sorry I’m late,” Evie says in a rush, tugging her scarf from around her neck. Aiden’s younger sister joins us at the jewelry counter before tossing her giant purse onto the floor. She sits in the vacant chair next to Aiden.

“Hey, Eves. No problem. I’m glad you could make it,” Aiden says, before returning to his examination of several rings displayed in a velvet tray on the counter.

Stones, large and small, catch the light and sparkle in a variety of settings, from delicate, vintage pieces to bold statement rings.

Goddamn, my best friend is going to need to up her lifting to carry around a ring like this. Perks of dating a professional athlete.

“Think we could see a few more? None of these feel right,” Aiden says. The woman assisting us, Joanie, smiles and nods, taking the tray.

Aiden is the most nervous I’ve seen him. Even when Dom and I were trying to talk him through a difficult time this past summer, this is completely different. He’s hunched forward, elbows resting on his knees, both bouncing incessantly since he sat down fifteen minutes ago. His shoulders rise and fall before he looks to Evie, a hint of panic in his voice. “We just got started, but I’m worried that nothing will feel good enough for Bec.”

“You know, you don’t have to do this. Grandma’s ring is still sitting at my place justwaitingfor you,” she says cheerfully, bumping his shoulder with his.

“Evie, we’ve been over this. That ring is meant foryou.”

Her shoulders sag slightly with his declaration. “Bec would love it.”

“Of course she would; it’s beautiful. But it’syours.”

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