Page 102 of Finding the Pieces

She smiles and nods. “You seem different. In a good way. I’m happy to see it.”

Giggles pull our attention to the playground, where her daughter is holding Luca’s hand at his insistence, while he guides her around the playground. Okay, guiding might be a strong word. Luca’s dragging her around. She’s laughing and pointing her finger this way and that way, trying to teach my rowdy toddler how to conduct himself.

“She’s patient, huh?” I ask Isabel.

“Apparently,” she says with a laugh. “That’s news to me.”

Dom gives us a wave and supervises the two new best friends as we enjoy the crisp, fall morning.

“Are you home with him full time?” Isabel asks, her smile growing as the pair make their way to the slide.

“Part time. I recently quit my job in marketing to focus on my photography business,” I say, still unable to believe I can say that out loud. It took some planning and a lot of luck. My clientele list grew unbelievably fast, and I couldn’t be more grateful to finally be spending my time doing something I’m passionate about. It’s also incredibly convenient to make my own hours that best fit what our family needs.

“Oh wow. Any chance you do family sessions? I’ve been looking to have family photos taken before it’s time to order holiday cards.”

“That’s the majority of what I do. That and newborn photos.”

I decided after two bookings that I didn’t want to take photos of labor and delivery anymore. The two I did were great, and went well. Mom and baby are happy and healthy. But I decided I needed to set a boundary for my own mental health. I much prefer to focus on familiesafterward. I love working with newborns especially. It’s easy for me to see which moms are in need of a little extra love, and I hope that with my experience, I’m able to offer them another level of understanding of what they might be going through.

Postpartum is no fucking joke. I’m grateful to walk with someone as they navigate such a confusing, wonderful, terrifying, and incredible time in their life, while also giving them some special photos to look back on one day.

“You’re probably booked,” Isabel says, biting her lip. “Right?”

I smile and shrug. “Eh, not too booked for the ultimate mom’s mom.”

“Seriously, Ellie. That would be amazing.”

I hand her one of my cards.

“Let’s set something up. Then maybe we could take these two kiddos to the aquarium downtown or something.” I nod toward Luca and Isabel’s daughter who is still being a great sport and is now teaching Luca how to spin the large tic-tac-toe spindles.

“I’d love to,” Isabel says with a smile.

I catch Dominic’s eyes on me, my happiness reflected back at me.

***

Dom is leaning against the doorway, watching as I rock Luca, his lanky limbs limp and his body heavy against my torso. I try not to give into the emotion threatening to spill over at the thought of how this little kid used to be such a tiny baby. How gummy smiles have turned into toothy grins. How his cooing has turned into words and short phrases. How this small wonder developed such a huge personality. How someone so small could steal my whole heart.

Instead of his normal bedtime story tonight, I did something my therapist and I have been talking about for a while. I showed Luca his baby book. The one I couldn’t touch until long after his birth. It went from empty to chaotically overstuffed. I printed pictures, added small keepsakes, included his earliest crafts, and wrote as much as I possibly could. All the things I want Luca to know.

As I hold my exhausted toddler in my arms, worn out from his two-year birthday party—one I was able to participate in planning…enthusiastically—I decide to take the next step.

I worry that when Luca has questions about the day he was born, I’ll freeze and say all the wrong things and inadvertently make him feel terrible about a day that was supposed to be all celebrations and joy.

I’ve been working on how I want to talk about it, and I figure it’s easiest to start now, and start small, and as I grow more comfortable talking about it, it’ll be easier to answer Luca’s inevitably more difficult questions someday.

I want to be honest while also ensuring that Luca understands that none of my struggles have ever been his fault. He and Dominic gave me the strength I needed to find hope in healing, in overcoming, and in love.

So I begin.

Dom’s eyes focused on me, full of compassion and…pride.

I keep my eyes locked on his, drawing strength from his confidence in me, and in us. I brush my hand over the back of Luca’s head, placing a kiss on his forehead.

“Years ago, your daddy and I made a wish. We wished that our family would grow. We were so lucky, and when we found out you were on our way, Daddy thought he had to furnish an entire nursery right then and there.” I smirk at Dom, who chuckles, crossing his arms, glancing down, quickly trying to stifle the sound.

“When it was time for you to be born, some unexpected things happened, and instead of taking a long time to join us, you were born quickly and with the help of a lot of people. There were a lot of hands and hearts holding us close during that time. When I finally held you, it was like my heart had fallen out of my chest and into my arms. You were so small, but immediately you became our everything. Your first smile took our breath away. Your first laugh gave us life. And the first time you saidDadaandMama, you changed our world.

---