Page 28 of Finding the Pieces

“Luca was so happy in his costume. How have you three been lately?” Carissa asks. I don’t miss the look in her eyes. The one that says she’s hoping to get more than a surface-level answer from me.

Maybe it’s because I’m still feeling a little raw after Luca’s birthday last month, all that trauma rising to the surface, throwing my nervous system out of whack, but I choose to spill instead of keep it all in, at least for tonight.

“Things have been okay this last month. We made it through Luca’s birthday party, which was the big hurdle. I didn’t really want to talk about it at the time, but I was having some anxiety about the wholething.”

Bec sits up, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. “I had no idea. You didn’t seem stressed at all.”

I circle the rim of my glass with my finger, needing to keep my hands busy. “Dom planned everything. I know that’s awful; I should have helped, but…flashbacks of what happened when Luca was born started up again and I couldn’t think about it more than my mind already forced me to in theworstways.”

“It’snotawful that you didn’t plan the party,” Bec insists. “Dom loves that shit; you know he’s happy to do it.”

“Do you want to tell us about it?” Carissa asks softly. “What happened?” Her eyes meet mine. Compassion and empathy practically pouring out of her with just one look. I’ve never told them. Even Bec, who came running to the hospital when I called her, hysterical after the surgery was finished. I was still coming out from the haze of medication. She held me, then Dom, and then Luca like the sister she is to me. She held my little family and tried to piece us back together with just her love, support, and hugs alone. She didn’t force me to talk about it. I couldn’t. They’veneverpushed me to talk about it, but every so often they ask me if I want to share. I always say…

“Not today,” I whisper, forcing a half smile to my face.

“What about the party? Are you feeling better now that it’s done?” Abby asks.

“Surprisingly, the party was…great. When I woke up, I told myself to focus on Luca. To see the day through his eyes and not my memories. I held onto that idea all day. I think it helped.”

I may never be the same as I once was, but it’ll kill me if my mental health impacts Luca as he grows. I have no idea how to prevent what happened to us—how we started our lives together—from changing the way I parent.

My anxiety, my need to control everything, my need to hover. I can’t protect Luca from everything, but that doesn’t stop this gut feeling that I need to try. It’s slowly killing me.

Will he have anxiety like me because I inadvertently pass on all of my fear and worry to his sweet and carefree self?

“Maybe getting past the first anniversary will help the anxiousness subside,” Dee suggests.

“Maybe.” I nod, wanting to believe her. But I know all it takes is one moment to send my brain right back to that moment, tossing my body into that impossible split-second reaction…fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Chapter thirteen

Dom

Dee’s singing Christmas carols proudly, inserting perverted lyrics in place of the real ones, obviously, while hanging stockings on festive hooks above our fireplace.

I can’t hold in my laughter and I struggle to keep my grip on the trunk of the artificial Christmas tree as I try—and fail—to secure it in the base.

“Dammit, Dom. Just shove it in.” Aiden grunts, frustration evident in his tone as he holds the top of the tree steady.

“Babe, stop hitting on Dom,” Bec calls from where she’s placing garland and tiny string lights Ellie said weneededalong the built-in bookshelves on both sides of the fireplace.

“I’m not hitting on him,” Aiden mutters.

“What did I say about threesomes?” Bec asks.

“Uh…did we talk about threesomes?” Aiden responds hesitantly.

“No, but it seems like a good time to mention that Dom isn’t invited to participate in one,” Bec says.

“Excuse me, I’m giving the performance of a lifetime over here. You guys are really stealing my thunder with your bickering,” Dee whines.

“Okay, little ears are returning to the room now, so if we could sing Christmas carols with the normal lyrics and stop talking about threesomes, that’d be great,” Ellie says, Luca propped on one of her hips as she, Carissa, and Jake bring in a handful of Christmas ales and hand them out to everyone.

“I’d like to say that’s going to be the worst thing he ever hears from me…but I have a hard time remembering to filter myself. Apologies in advance for when he starts school. You can tell his teacher it’s my fault,” Dee says, giving Ellie a salute. “I’ll send them a bottle of wine to make up for it.”

It’s the first weekend in November, meaning it’s officially Christmas season in Ellie’s world. And since I live in Ellie’s world, that means Christmas is about to throw up all over our home. Thankfully, our friends are always willing to help out, and everything will be in place weeks before our annual Friendsgiving party.

I finally slot the base of the tree into the stand and rise from my crouched position, giving my back a quick stretch.

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