Page 99 of Winning the Nightcap

“More than you know,” he says.

My heart starts to race the longer we sit in silence. Aiden isn’t acting like himself at all.

I didn’t realize how hard he could be on himself. I know baseball is his job, but they still won the game. They play so often and he has another chance to try again tomorrow. I don’t remember him acting this withdrawn even after some of the tougher losses the team’s had this season. Then again, I’m not sure I could ever fully understand the pressure he’s under to perform well. Maybe since he was traded midseason last year, he’s feeling uncertain about his place on this team.

My thoughts are running wild. I’m trying to rationalize what my gut is telling me.

“What time do you have to leave in the morning?” I ask.

“We have an early flight. We leave for Houston at six. I’ll do my best not to wake you and Hopper in the morning. You two should sleep in.”

Normally, Aiden spoils me with affectionand attention. When he has to leave for a few days, I wake up with his head between my thighs…regardless of how early he has to leave to catch his flight. Am I seeing red flags where there aren’t any?

Yes, of course I am. That’s the old Bec talking. The one responsible for filling my head with doubt. The one who wasn’t sure about Aiden. The one who was waiting for Aiden to finally know me well enough to decide I wasn’t the one for him. The one who was convinced none of my romantic relationships could last. I’m not going to listen to old Bec anymore. I want this to work and for that to happen, Aiden needs to know how I feel.

“Aiden, I need to tell you something,” I say, hearing the shake in my own voice.

“Hm?” Aiden looks at me like he was lost in thought. He probably thinks I’m acting strange. Admittedly, I am. I’m so caught up in overthinking every little thing he’s doing and saying, I’m not acting like I normally would.

It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and onto the couch. I can’t hold this in anymore. I need to get this out so he knows and we can move on, like with every other big step we’ve made together. He’s always made it easy to do scary things…so I decide to jump, knowing he’ll catch me.

“Aiden, I love you.”

His lips part as he looks into my eyes.

Aiden doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head. The stoic expression on his face morphs into a look heavy with despair.

“You shouldn’t.”

The words fall from his lips so quietly, I’m not sure I heard them right.

“Wh-what are you talking about?” I ask. I can feel tears burning the back of my eyes. My head swims and heat ricochets over my skin from embarrassment.

“Something…something happened yesterday while I was visiting Mom.” He leans forward, dropping his head into his hands. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Bec. I should have told you sooner, but I can’t get my mind right today. I’m trying to bury everything until I figure out how to handle it. I tried to focus on the games today and couldn’t. I wanted to focus on us tonight, but I can’t. You deserve better, but I don’t know how to be better. What if this is all I’m capable of?”

“Aiden, what are you talking about? I don’t understand,” I say as the first tear spills over onto my cheek. “Is your mom okay?”

“Physically, yes. But mentally?” He looks at me and all I can see is fear. “Every day, I lose her bit by bit. She didn’t recognize me. That’s happened before, you’ve seen it, but this was different. She thought I washim. She didn’t say his name, but Iknowher. I could see it in the way she was looking at me and the way she was yelling at me.”

My stomach drops.

“She mistook you for your dad?”

“Fuck. This is so fucked,” he says with a groan, squeezing his eyes shut and shoving one hand into his hair, tugging on the roots.

Fucked is right.

Aiden’s terrified of turning out like his dad. Of course, this incident is going to stoke the fire, fueling that idea. But from what Aiden told me about his father, they couldn’t be more opposite. Still, fear has the power to twist and warp your thoughts, leaving you with only negativity and insecurity. With all that Aiden’s experiencing with his mom’s memory loss, on top of everything else, no wonder he can’t think straight.

And I just told him I loved him for the first time.

Holy shit.

I was right. I definitely picked the most inconvenient and unromantic time to tell him.

God, I need an undo button for my life.

“You know your mom doesn’t think of you like that at all, Aiden. She loves you so much. She’s confused…but she knows who you are inside,” I say, willing him with my entire being to believe me.

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