Page 97 of Winning the Nightcap

I think she says my name, but I don’t look at her or respond. She hugs me and I feel her tears as they fall onto my shoulder.

I don’t cry. I just let Evie hold onto me as my world falls apart around me. I wish her arms were strong enough to hold me together, but that kind of strength doesn’t exist.

* * *

I fumble with my keys before finally stumbling into my apartment.

Hopper jumps up to greet me, his paws on my chest, but I don’t have the energy to correct his behavior or remind him to sit. I ruffle his head and keep walking, Hopper trailing behind and joining me when I fall to the couch. I lean forward, my elbows on my knees holding my head in my hands.

Evie drove me home, not trusting me to get here safely. Can’t blameher. I can’t focus on anything right now.

She follows me into my place and sits on the other side of Hopper.

“We should talk about it, Aiden,” she says softly.

“That’s the last thing we should do,” I mumble in response.

“We need to.”

“No, Evie. We really don’t. This is our life now, right? I just have to fucking deal with it.” I feel so goddamn defeated. Everything is out of control, and I’m trying my best to keep my ugly thoughts from spilling out.

Was today only the beginning? One day, will my own mother no longer be able to look at me ever again? Bile threatens to make an appearance, my stomach turning over uncomfortably, and again, I think I’m going to be sick.

“It was one day, Aiden. One horrible, fucked-up day. It’s not fair and it’s never going to be easy, but she’s still here. We can’t give up on her.”

I stand and step away from Evie, gripping and pulling at my own hair, so frustrated I could punch a wall.

“I’m not giving up on her, Eves,” I shout. “You were there today; she had no idea who the fuck I was. I don’t want to be the reason for that reaction ever again.”

The look on her face is all pity, and I can’t handle it.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Evie. I didn’t mean to yell.” I close my eyes to take a deep breath, dropping my fists to rest on my hips, my head hanging low, guilt swooping in to punch me in the stomach. “Every time I picture Mom’s face from today, the anger and fear there…god, it’s got me fucked up right now and I don’t know how to handle it.”

I’ve always been terrified that, in addition to appearances, my father’s flaws would be passed onto me as well. Having my mom look at me like that…like she’d look at him…it feels like it’s inevitable. Someday, I’ll turn out just like he did. Angry, selfish, bitter, and alone.

“Maybe you should talk to someone, Aiden. Everything about this is unpredictable, and it’s dredging up all the messed-up shit from our past. No one would judge you for getting help to deal with it.”

“I’ll think about it,” I say. I hate the idea, but I owe it to Evie and my mom to at least consider it.

“Please do. Because I…I can’t do this by myself. I need you there with me…with us…” her voice fades away and I look up to see her as she begins to cry again.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here for you and Mom both. We’ll…we’ll figure it out.”

She stands and we hug before Hop begins to circle around us, distressed from me shouting and now Evie crying. We both reassure him before he calms down again, but he stays close, nudging my hand with his nose every so often, looking for contact.

When Evie leaves and it’s just Hop and me in my quiet apartment, he doesn’t leave my side. I don’t check my phone. Instead, I go to bed at five thirty, skipping dinner, suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion. I lie down in bed, my mind completely empty, numbness taking the place of everything. Hopper lies against my side, keeping a watchful eye on me. I rest my hand on his back, holding him close and focusing on the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest as he breathes beside me. He might be the only thing keeping my mind from breaking even further before I drift into a fitful sleep.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

Bec

Iwas disappointed when Aiden didn’t call after his visit with his mom yesterday, but I understood when he texted me this morning to apologize. He forgot to text me before he went to bed early wanting to get a few extra hours of rest before his doubleheader today.

It was the first night we’ve spent apart while he’s been in town in almost five months. Since I’ve been watching Hopper while he’s away, it was the first night I’ve been alone in a long time too. Can’t say I liked it. Thankfully, I’ll be able to see him tonight before he leaves for the next road trip in the morning.

I missed falling asleep in Aiden’s arms. I missed waking up with Hopper kicking my back. I missed Aiden joking about how he needs his own bed so Hop and I can battle it out for the blanket without him being pushed to the edge.

Carissa and I are in the stands watching Aiden’s second game of the day. The smell of stadium food and the familiar buzz of excited fans fill the air around us. I may not be an expert yet, but it’s clear even to me that Aiden’s struggling today. Thankfully, whatever is affecting Aiden’s game isn’t reflected in the score. It looks like the Aviators willwin the game.

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