Page 73 of Winning the Nightcap

“And Idid. I let one relationship change the way I see myself. Before that, I felt like I was finally finding my confidence, you know? I knew what I wanted in life and I was just looking for someone to share it with. It’s terrifying that one person had the power to shake that all to the ground.

“With Josh, there wasn’t any huge wound he ripped open and left hurting. Instead, the relationship left a million small cuts in whatever sense of self I had spent my college years refining, the culmination of too many moments of self-doubt rising to the surface like a scream I had buried and hidden under my so-called confidence and easy-going attitude.

“I kept internalizing things he’d say that made me feel less than, whether it was undermining my career, my appearance, my apartment, not supporting me in front of his family or friends, or teasing at my expense. I’d laugh it all off, because I guess I was embarrassed how much it bothered me. Over time, I ended up giving all this power to the lingering voice in my mind that built up every passive comment to mean more than it did. It festered and morphed into this nagging need to watch what I say and to try to become this version of myself Ithought Ishouldbe, not the version I am.

“I always felt like I needed to say the right things, do the right things. I don’t think Josh even noticed that something was wrong. He had no idea who I really was, so how could he know? It’s a lesson I think I had to learn. I don’t just need firm boundaries to avoid getting hurt, it’s also so I don’t ever feel like I need to turn myself inside out to reshape myself into this imaginary, perfect version of me.”

I take a moment and think about everything Bec’s shared. It makes sense the way she’s held back with me. It’s going to take time for her to trust me and to trust herself with me. All that matters is that she told me she’s willing to try. I’m a patient man, and for her, I’d wait a lifetime.

“Sometimes I think it’s harder to realize a relationship isn’t good for you when there’s no huge fight, no final straw,” I say. “Then one day, you sit back, and you don’t recognize yourself when you’re with that person, and you’re forced to ask yourself how the fuck did I get here?”

“Exactly. I built this shell of who I thought I should be and used it as a shield to hide who I am. I think I was just tired of being alone, but I found myself feeling alone even when I was with him. When Josh finally ended things, I thought what the fuck was that all for? Why did I spend all that time trying to fit into this box I thought meant more than the version of me I loved, hiding underneath it all,” Bec says.

“I don’t ever want you to hold back with me. You don’t have to tame yourself into some smaller version of who you’re meant to be. I want you to shine. I don’t want you to doubt your instincts, I want you to listen to them. I don’t want some watered-down version of you, Bec. I want it all.”

“You’re really sweet, you know that, Aiden?” It’s a relief to see her smile again.

“You want sweet? I can be sweet. You want spicy? I can be that too.”I shrug and smirk. “I’ll be whatever you want.”

“Hm…how spicy?”

“That depends on how much heat you can handle.” Watching her blush and laugh it off brings an ease back into the room as the conversation lightens.

Hopper jumps down onto the floor and starts to chew on one of his new bones, allowing me to pull Bec closer into my side where she snuggles in and pulls her feet up and to the side leaning into my shoulder.

“Can I ask you something?” she asks.

“Anything,” I reply.

“Back in the fall, when you ran into me at the restaurant where I was leaving what was probably my worst first date ever…”

“God, that fucking idiot. I forgot about him.”

“What did you say to him before he left? He looked a little…irritated,” she says.

I smile at the memory. “Before I tell you, I need you to know that I would have respected your decision if you asked me to take up a permanent residence in the friend zone.” I stroke my fingers lightly over her shoulder.

“Okay?” The little wrinkle in her forehead as she looks up at me is distractingly cute.

“I told him that he shouldn’t take another woman on a date until he could recognize how much of an asshole he was to you…then I thanked him.”

I can tell that catches her off guard. “You…thanked him.”

“I did. I thanked him for fucking up his shot with you so badly he’d never have another chance with you. I thanked him for making the mistake of letting you get away, because you are intelligent, passionate, generous, beautiful…and meant for me.”

That day, I promised myself that if I ever convinced Bec to give us ashot, I’d do everything in my power to make her want me as much as I want her. To need me as much as I need her. I know she’s not there yet, but dammit if I’m not going to give it my all.

“You wanted this even then?” she asks.

“I’ve wanted you since the moment I met you. I could never get you off my mind, even when I barely knew you,” I say, hoping she can hear the sincerity in my voice.

“I know I’m not coming into this all with the best sense of self-esteem. I don’t want you to feel burdened by that.”

“Needing validation of what I feel for you is not a burden, Bec. I should’ve been honest from the start about wanting to be together, but I don’t want you to question where I stand. I was addicted to you after one kiss, and every day I want you more.”

“I want you, too, and I want you to know that I’ve moved on. I haven’t felt anything for Josh in a long time and tonight only proved that we never would have worked. But with you…things with you feel so different. A part of that scares me, but a bigger part of me knows it’s a good thing. The type of good thing I don’t think I could really get enough of.”

I kiss her and it feels like the only thing grounding me is the pressure of her palms against my chest, her lips pressed softly to mine. Her mouth parts, and our tongues meet, the sweet taste of her making me groan.

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