Page 107 of Winning the Nightcap

All I can make out is this overwhelming feeling of comfort…like I’m taking my first full breath in weeks…like I’m finally coming home.

“Let’s not do this here.” She pulls away and takes my hand, tugging me into her apartment after her. “Come in.”

I take off my backpack, and we sit on her couch in awkward silence, but she’s still holding my hand as she faces me, one leg tucked underneath herself. I drape one arm along the back of her couch, playing with one of her loose curls with my free hand.

“I have so much I want to say. It’s hard to know where to start,” I say.

“Take your time,” she says.

“When we met, you asked about my favorite memory. I shocked myself when I told you about my birthday like that. I hadn’t thought about that day in so long. It was painful to think about that time in my life. Even though it was a great day, the memory always felt tainted by the other shit that was going on at the time. But then you asked…and it just spilled out. You have this way of drawing things out of me that I wish I could bury. The day my mom forgot who I was…I wanted to bury that memory so deep it couldn’t ever hurt again. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to face it.”

“It’s okay,” she says softly, squeezing my hand. When I look up, she’s crying quietly. Tears slowly falling. Then I realize, I’m crying too.

“It’s okay,” she repeats, nodding for me to go on.

“I didn’t want to face it. But then you were there, telling me you love me. Something I’ve only dreamed you could feel about me. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t say it back. I couldn’t process what was happening. I panicked and all I could feel was this…dread. This needling fear that maybe I really am my father’s son, and one day I would hurt everyone around me. You don’t deserve that. I couldn’t hear you tell me you loved me when in that moment, all I could feel was how much I hated myself and who I was afraid I could become.

“You have no idea how much it means to me, knowing you love…knowing you loved me. I wish with my entire fucking body that I could take back what I said to you. I wish I was able to talk about this right then and there. I…I’m talking to someone now, a therapist. I’m getting help because I need it…because I want to be a better man. Bec, when I do finally tell you how I feel about you, I want to be someone who deserves to say those words to you.”

“Aiden, I’m happy for you, and I’m incredibly proud of you for getting help. Everything you’ve gone through, it’d be a lot for anyone to take on. I want to support you with whatever you need. As far as you deserving to say those words…and to hear those words from me…I want you to know that I don’t need you to be perfect to love you. I’m never going to be perfect either. I think what matters is that we’re perfect for each other. The fact that you know how scared I’ve been of getting hurt and that you were worried about me enough to pull away when you were scared that you were going to be the one to hurt me, I appreciate that more than you know.”

“I felt out of control, and I was terrified I was going to turn out to be just like him,” I say.

“I don’t think you’re capable of making the same mistakes as him, but I understand why you’d have that fear. We’ll work through it.”

“You still want to be with me? I didn’t know if I had taken too longto figure out what I needed to do,” I say meekly.

“I trust you, Aiden. When you asked for time, I knew you needed it. I knew I wanted to be here for you when you were ready. If our relationship has taught me anything, it’s that I know I can count on you.”

“I promise it won’t be like this again,” I say, my voice steady. “I hope with everything that I have, that there won’t be a next time with Mom like this, but if there is, I’ll learn how to handle it better. I won’t shut everyone out like that.”

“You had us all worried,” she admits, empathy clear in the way she’s thumbing the back of my hand and watching me with understanding.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Don’t be. You’re here now.”

“I am, and I’m not going anywhere. Except to get you this.” I grab my backpack and bring it over to her. “I brought you something.” When I dump the contents of my backpack onto her small coffee table, she bursts out laughing.

“Aiden, what the hell is this?” she asks, holding up one of the bags of chips.

“I didn’t know what my mood snacker would want, so I bought one of everything at the airport for her. Well, I stopped when I couldn’t fit anymore.”

“And you thought you weren’t perfect,” she jokes, grabbing a Twix from the pile.

After talking for a while longer, I ask Bec to come home with me to stay the night. To my relief, she’s ecstatic and runs to her room to grab her stuff. As much as I’ve missed her in my bed, I missed being with her more. We spend the night holding each other. Occasionally waking to talk more about everything we’ve struggled with both in the last few weeks and beyond; how we want to work on our own issues together, the things we missed in each other’s lives over the last few weeks,and sometimes just pulling each other closer and lying in comfortable silence. It’s everything I needed, and the way Bec relaxes against me and tucks her head in closer to me at every opportunity gives me hope that maybe it’s what she needs too.

The next morning, she offers to come with me to visit my mom. I cling to her like a lifeline as we check in at the front desk.

I don’t know what’ll happen when Mom sees me today, but I know that with Bec by my side, I’m stronger.

The office staff recognize both of us instantly and offer us a warm greeting. When I look at Bec, confused because she hasn’t been here often enough to warrant that kind of response, she shrugs sheepishly. She confesses to having visited Mom several times a week while I was unable to, often bringing one of the Center’s certified therapy dogs with her.

It takes every shred of self-control I have not to blurt out right then and there how fucking gone I am for Bec. How she’s worked herself into every bone and muscle in my body. How I love her more than I ever knew was possible.

But I have other plans for that confession.

Bec gave me exactly what I needed to get through one of the worst fucking times of my life. She showed me more compassion, patience, and love than I could ever ask for. I want her to grasp the depth of what I feel for her just as strongly when I finally tell her.

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