Page 35 of Winning the Nightcap

My cheeks heat as I confess what I’m hesitant to admit. What I’ve been thinking about since this morning when Aiden left. Considering somethingmorewith him.

“When Aiden moved back, I thought he just wanted to be friends, but every time I see him, I’m less sure that’s the case for either of us.This morning, he asked me to think about what I want. He didn’t say what he wanted, but if I had to guess, he seems like he wants more. I’ve spent more than three years trying to move on and forget about him, but nothing has even come close to the spark I felt when we first met. It’s humiliating to admit that I’ve thought about him more than a few times over the years. Since he’s moved back to Columbus, that…tension I guess you could call it…it’s still there. At least it is for me. I can’t really explain it. I don’t know what to do.”

“Babe, that’s your answer. You like him. You’re curious. Sounds like he is too. Why wouldn’t you give it a try?” Ellie asks, genuine confusion written on her face. I’m relieved to hear her question. Not that I thought she wouldn’t approve or anything, but because I thought she’d be mad I kept this secret for so long.

“Because I…I don’t know. If it doesn’t work out, that’ll just put you and Dom in an awkward position anytime you want to invite both of us to anything. Plus, he’s a legit professional athlete. He could date anyone.”

Ellie’s expression changes to one of disbelief. “Bec, we’re all adults. If it didn’t work out, we could figure out how to be in a room together when we need to be. Do you really think Dom and I wouldn’t want you to see what’s going on between the two of you if afteryearsyou both are still interested in each other? I wouldn’t have minded at all if you guys decided to take it further when you met either. You know Ilivefor wedding hookup gossip. Besides, I’ve known Aiden for a while now…I really don’t think you’d have to worry about his career or the attention it gets him. If he wanted to date someone else, he would. He’s been in a few relationships since I’ve known him. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to screw you over. Plus, Dom and I would kill him, so there’s that.”

“Well, okay, but…” I begin to protest, but Ellie isn’t done.

“Are you sure this is about Dom and me? Or even Aiden’s job? Orare you trying to avoid the possibility of getting hurt again?” I stare back at her, mouth partially open, speechless.

Is she right?

“Aiden isn’t Josh,” Ellie says. “I hate that the relationship made you question how incredible you are. Seriously, Bec. Don’t you know you deserve to be loved?”

And for some stupid fucking reason, my eyes water and a few tears fall easily, betraying me and the unaffected face I’m trying to put on. “God, Ellie, I hate you sometimes, you know that?”

Ellie reaches over Hopper to grab my hand, squeezing tight. Her eyes shine as well. I can try to put on a front, use humor or excuses to deflect. Be the funny friend, the quirky friend, the chill friend. As desperately as I try to be what everyone needs, what everyone wants, Ellie sees through it all. She always has. She knows who I am behind any walls I instinctively put up. Maybe this is why for so long I avoided telling her that I like Aiden. Maybe I knew once I told her, she wouldn’t let me get away with my usual bullshit. Writing off a nice guy before he can hurt me or I can hurt him.

Relationships and all the risks that come with them, the pain of losing someone, the pain of rejection, haven’t seemed worth the risk. Sure, I’ve dated. Clearly that hasn’t worked out. But have I ever given someone all of me? Ever fallen in love? Fuck no. Not even with Josh. Expecting a guy to stick around for the long haul never seemed like a possibility. The fear clawing at the back of my mind always tells me that no matter what I do, I’m not anyone’s forever girl.

But what Ellie said…do I really think I don’t deserve love? I want to say she’s wrong and that I know my worth, but maybe she sees more of me than I’m willing to face myself.

Carissa reaches out to hold my other hand, looking up at me, where she’s seated on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. “You shouldn’t sabotage a relationship before you even give it a chance. Nomatter what anyone has made us believe about ourselves, we deserve to be happy. You talk about all the reasons it can’t work, shouldn’t work, won’t work. Are you afraid that if you take a chance with Aiden, it might not work out, or are you afraid that you might find happiness instead? That this might be real.”

Dating Josh was like wearing a sweater two sizes too small; restrictive and uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why I stayed. Why didn’t I end things before he did? I think I kept convincing myself that I was expecting too much out of the relationship, until I shrunk my wants and needs to a size so small I couldn’t find them anymore. Settling for whatever we could give each other.

I hid things well enough that the girls didn’t see the red flags popping up in our relationship the way we did with Carissa’s ex. It wasn’t until after Josh broke up with me that I told them how I felt. I don’t like to admit when something isn’t working. Because what did that say about me? What if I couldn’t make it work with anyone, what then?

“I don’t want to get attached and have it all fall apart. He seems different. Special. I can’t explain it,” I whisper as even more tears roll down my cheeks.

“I never want to see you hurt,” Ellie says. “But I also want to see youlive. There are no guarantees. Well, other than a guarantee that I’ll fuck up Aiden’s life if he’s an asshole to you.” And that right there has me snorting out a mix of tears and laughter.

“That goes double for me,” Dee says. “You say the word, and I’ll key whatever fancy car he drives.”

I laugh harder, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Dee, no. Please don’t get arrested for me. I don’t make enough money to bail you out.”

“Simple solution. We won’t get caught,” Carissa adds, shocking me.

“Wow, Carissa. Vandalism, really? I expect better from you,” Itease.

“You shouldn’t. I can tolerate a lot of shit. But not for my friends. I won’t allow that.” The seriousness in her voice reminds me that she’s still working through her own hurt from her last relationship.

I nod. “I love you guys. Thanks for being supportive and keeping me honest.” I turn to Abby, wiping my cheeks dry. “I promise book club isn’t normally this emotional. We don’t typically talk this much about feelings. Most of our conversations are about fictional dicks and pussies and our jealousy for the lucky characters who get to play with them.”

Abby laughs and shakes her head. “I’m sorry I asked about Aiden and started this whole conversation. I didn’t know it was a whole secretthing. I just thought you were messing around with the hot guy from class. Shit, I was going to congratulate you.”

“It was about time I talked it out,” I admit. “Who knows, maybe this means I’ll get to be the next one to test out the hip pillow position. But tonight, I want to hear what everyone thought about chapter thirty-two because holy fucking hotness.”

Dee doesn’t hesitate to throw in her two cents about arguably the best spice I’ve read all year.

A huge weight has fallen off my shoulders after talking this through with everyone, finally relieving Dee of her secret-keeping burden. Thinking of what comes next sends a nervous excitement flowing through me. I know it’ll take time to let Aiden in, but I want to believe that the possibility ofusis worth it and if I give him a small piece of myself, that I can trust him with it.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Aiden

---