Page 94 of Faithful

Now that the awkwardness has been replaced by warm familiarity, I know choosing to spend my Thanksgiving here wasn’t a mistake. I don’t feel judged either when I go for a second serving of mashed potatoes or when I fail to laugh at Mina’s jokes.

“Oh, honey… it’s okay if you don’t get it,” she says with a single headshake. “Most Zoomers don’t.” Her speech has become slower as the evening progresses. There are long pauses between words, and we opt for watching some TV instead of talking.

Kai switches to YouTube and all three of us tune in for another episode of his favorite anime, which his mother is apparently following too.

At quarter past nine, he finally takes Mina to bed and I decide to clear the table and wash the dishes.

Twenty minutes later when he returns to a clean kitchen, he just stares at me for a full minute, then mutters, “You didn’t have to do that. We have a live-in caretaker. She’s just off for the holiday. It would have been all handled in the morning anyway.”

“It’s not a big deal.” Believe it or not but having a roommate instead of a maid has taught me a thing or two about keeping common areas neat. Leigh is anal about it.

Kai walks over to the fridge and retrieves two beers, then motions for me to follow him through the French doors that lead to a small patio at the back of the house.

“Let me grab the jackets,” I say and make a detour to the living room.

Outside, Kai is smoking with his back turned to me, his gaze firmly on the tall fence separating the property from the neighboring one.

The yard is small. As a matter of fact, although being part of the more recent real estate developments in the area, the house is very modest too. Just enough for one person to live comfortably, without the opulence, for example, the Watsons require.

The property itself is hidden away by a cluster of trees and bushes and a massive gate out front, and I suspect this isn’t random. It has something to do with Kai’s celebrity status and him trying to keep his family affairs private.

“It’s nice here,” I tell him as I step closer and throw a jacket over his shoulders.

He doesn’t move. Just continues to smoke. He takes a swig of his beer and sets it aside. “We lived in a one-bedroom apartment for the majority of my teenage life. Dad left us when I was seven. He was in a band with a couple of local guys and when he wasn’t drinking or getting high, he taught me music… And then one day I remember getting home from school and he wasn't there. Mom said he’d gone on tour. He never came back or tried to call or even seek me out after that. I don’t know if he’s still alive.”

Kai pauses for a second to take another drag and I can’t help but find his free hand and lace our fingers together.

We stand like this, side by side, for a bit, then he begins speaking again. “My mother had to move to a smaller place out in Tacoma. It was cheaper, but she still had to work two jobs to support me, to make ends meet. And then she got sick.”

“What is it?”

“MS.”

I quickly do the math in my head and realize that with Mina currently in a wheelchair, she must have been ill for years and Kai is my age. “How old were you when she… stopped working?”

“Seventeen.”

My biggest worry at seventeen was Hayden’s disappearance. “Shit. That must have been hard.”

“You can’t change what is, Dylan. You just have to accept it and not let it beat you, not let it ruin your dreams.”

Kai finishes the cigarette in silence while I sip on my beer.

“Thank you for telling me,” I whisper, placing my bottle on the ground next to his.

“It’s only fair, right?” He steps into my personal space, his face near mine, his breath on my cheeks. “I know almost everything about you.”

“Almost.” I agree. There are definitely things that are only mine, but if I think about it very carefully, those things are few and far between. I don’t feel like I need to keep secrets from him because he’s the biggest, the deadliest secret.

“I’m sorry,” Kai whispers suddenly. There’s a strange quality to his voice. Sad. Burdened. “For being there and not doing anything to stop your sister from jumping.”

My chest caves in. I mistakenly believed that I was past this, past his direct involvement in Ava’s death, but now that he’s dredging up everything, I realize I’d hoped I’d buried that for good. I know a fraction of me will always despise that about him, even if it’s just a little.

My emotions become blade sharp, violent even. Something pushes against my throat, and I have to swallow against the tightness to be able to articulate the words that leave my mouth next. “I don’t want for this to linger anymore. There’s a part of me–yes, it’s insignificant, but it’s there–that will never come to terms with the fact you couldn’t stop it. But the bigger part of me doesn’t give a fuck because I can’t… without you. I just can’t… It’s messed up that I keep looking for ways to justify your presence that night on the bridge. To find it in me to absolve you because I’m so fucking blinded by you, by this–” I gesture at the space between our bodies. “By how I fucking feel. Like my life doesn’t make sense if you’re not in it. First you took her, then you replaced her. How did you manage to do that?”

“I didn’t plan on it,” he rasps out and I realize he’s struggling to speak as well. “You were Ava’s little spoiled shit of a brother. Everyone thought you were straight. Do you seriously think I paid you any mind? But you know what…” He stops talking abruptly and takes half a step back and immediately I feel his absence with every fiber of my body like I feel the lack of air in my lungs.

“You are right to blame me,” Kai says, filling this newly formed distance between us with something solid. “You always have been right to blame me for not doing enough. I could have, but I was so fucking lost that I let it happen.”

---