Page 106 of Faithful

Even the spirit of Christmas and the anticipation of Kai and me finally making a small appearance together as a couple isn’t enough to calm my nerves.

I’m convinced that Gavin has someone watching me because his threats are never empty. The ruthless efficiency with which he got rid of Hayden still scares me all these years later.

Of course, Kai is famous, and I doubt Gavin’s minions will be able to erase him completely, but they’ll do their best to undermine his public persona. I mean, it’s already an easy task with Iodine being crucified by small-minded and big-mouthed people across the Midwest. Being attacked by a powerful right-wing senator would be a disaster. If there’s one thing my father is good at, it’s convincing people to do what he wants. And there are a lot of fanatics out there who are happy to be convinced.

I speak from experience.

I’ve lived with him my entire life.

Even Kai notices my anxiety when we talk on the phone. He doesn’t ask direct questions, but he keeps on pushing and I almost spill the beans once. I don’t want any more secrets. I don’t want him tonotknow that both my father and Glasses are trying to bully me into submission by using him and his past as leverage. Whatever that past is.

Deep down, I understand that he should be aware of the fact that Gavin is dead set on digging up something on him that could potentially fuck up his career, but I’m terrified, and every day as I continue to put this conversation off, I feel like I’m betraying his trust. So I decide that after Christmas, I’ll tell him everything. I’ll tell him about Hayden and how my father made him disappear and I’ll tell him about the visit Glasses paid me.

Kai deserves to know.

Perhaps, if he doesn’t want me to protect him, we can take a stand together.

Yes. That’s a sound plan.

Iodine is back in Seattle for the holidays, and they are holed up in a recording studio near Westlake. According to Kai, the label is pushing for new material so they can ride the wave of success the band has hit after their recent US tour and the Vegas residency.

“Kneel” has reached well over thirty million streams, most of those, of course, because of all the controversial shit netizens say about Iodine’s front man online. In the week before Christmas, Finn adds fuel to the fire too when someone catches him on camera while he’s urinating outside some exclusive nightclub in Capitol Hill.

The stills of the video–where his pants are down and his ass is on display while giving the middle finger to the audience–become the new favorite meme overnight.

Maybe it'll help soften the blow when the news about Kai and me being an item starts spreading. Maybe we won’t get as much attention due to Finn being the main topic across all platforms.

Frankly, I have a lot of time to think about everything. To think about my mother’s reaction, to think about the other members of my family, and the consequences of coming out. Gavin and his career. Leigh. My coworkers. My boss.

The press and the band’s fans hunting the people I care about is inevitable and it scares the crap out of me, but what scares me more is losing Kai. It’s something I’ve felt sharply during these past weeks, the absence of him.

We text and talk. That hasn’t changed. Somehow, I managed to repair the crack that was forming between us after my Thanksgiving confession. But he’s busy at the studio and he’s always weird when he’s on a roll. His mind is scattered, and he’s concentrating on the lyrics he’s writing at the moment, and I hate this distance. I hate that we’re in the same city but he’s hesitant about meeting in person. Has been ever since his drunken late-night visit to my apartment.

One day when we’re on the phone, I simply tell him I want to come over.

“I don’t know what time I’ll be done,” he says in a low voice, a telltale rasp making an appearance. Which means he’s been doing vocals all day and his throat is tired and needs rest.

It’s dinnertime and I just got home from work only to find Leigh and her new boy toy, Fisher, installing a Christmas tree in our living room and half a sandwich left for me in the fridge.

What can I say?

The girl I live with is fucking Mother Teresa and I love her to pieces for dealing with my shit without complaining.

Well, except when it comes to the sofa.

She’s still salty over that incident.

“I’ll bring some food,” I offer to Kai, staring at the paper plate sitting on the desk in front of me. I’m in my chair in my room, and I spin it around like a kid who can’t stay still while waiting for his answer.

He takes a deep breath. There’s the distant sound of angry drumming somewhere in the background. I’m guessing Finn's letting out his frustration over the current attention from the media. Unless the band is taking a different direction and channeling some Wage War in their next album.

“Alright,” Kai agrees. “Sushi? From that new joint down the street from my place.”

I’ve only been to his loft once and we had Italian for dinner, but we discussed the aforementioned restaurant plenty during our late-night convos. Because Kai is a foodie. There were some texts with pictures of rolls included too. I know all these little quirks and likes of his by proxy.

“You got it,” I say as I shoot up from my chair.

An hour later, I find myself speaking to the security guard on duty at the building where Kai lives. Apparently, he was notified I’d be there and I just need to show my ID.

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