Page 102 of Faithful

“He doesn’t deserve to be with a coward, Leigh.”

“Dylan, there’s a big difference in doing this for him or for yourself. And doing it for him isn’t the right answer. So which one is it?”

“I think maybe it’s a little bit of both.” I pause here to take a deep breath, my emotions running rampant. “He doesn’t want this to be a secret anymore.”

“But what about you? What do you want?”

“Him?”

“You don’t sound too sure.”

I prop my elbows on my thighs and rest my head in the cradle of my palms, shutting my eyes for a moment.

“If you’re going to come out simply because he’s putting pressure on you, he’s a selfish prick who is possibly after the publicity your relationship could potentially bring.”

“Publicity is the last thing he’s looking for. Trust me,” I mumble into the space between my fingers, then lift my face up and stare at the frozen image of Henry Cavill in medieval getup on the TV.

“It’s a big decision to make and you should only move forward with it if you’re certain. Besides, you’ve got your family to worry about. Does your mom know?”

“No, but she knows I’m seeing someone.” That one time we spoke on the phone right after she left for New York and before Kai and I had a falling out, I casually mentioned the fact with the ulterior motive of explaining to her at a later date that I was actually into guys. Well, one guy in particular.

We sit in silence for a little bit. I drink some more of my coffee and Leigh munches on the cookies she grabbed from the kitchen.

“You know what I want?” I tell her eventually.

“Mmm?”

“I want to be able to hold his hand in public.”

“Okay, so before he brought up the topic of you coming out, did you ever think about it?”

“Not explicitly. But I’ve always wondered how it would be to be with him and not hide from the world. And frankly, I’m tired of looking over my shoulder like some kind of a criminal.”

“Are you sure, Dylan?”

“Yeah. I just don’t know where to start… or how to do this,” I confess. Do I call Kai and tell him I’ve decided it’s time I stop pretending?

“Why don’t you start small?” Leigh says, setting the bag of cookies aside. She rearranges herself against the back of the couch and thinks for a second. “In the end it’s not about him. It’s about you and your need to feel comfortable in your own skin. So maybe instead of parading around town with a rainbow flag and making a TikTok press conference out of this, do something with him that’s intimate but includes some of the people you know and trust. Bowling with your coworkers. Brunch with his bandmates.”

I snort at that. “His bandmates hate me.”

“Those are only suggestions. I don’t know what you guys like to do except for the obvious.” She rolls her eyes. “Sex.”

We like to watch Chinese anime, try different foods, talk about life and death, listen to music, and discuss obscure musicians. He also likes to watch me fold paper and I like to watch him smoke.

But I keep this information to myself.

I’ve got ideas forming in my head already and I won’t allow this shitty, prejudiced world to ruin us, ruin what we have.

* * *

I call Kai later that day. He doesn’t pick up.

A text from him comes around midnight.

K: don’t make this difficult

I’m not. I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about what you said last night. I don’t want this to be halfway either.

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