Page 38 of Faithful

I’m still processing, still trying to come to terms with this new fact. My guilt is like a raw wound, and I’m scared that talking to Kai about it will only tip the scales and we’ll be back to that estranged state of being neither lovers nor enemies.

Besides, I don’t want to waste the little time I have with him this weekend on digging up the past, because it simply can’t be changed.

“Are you hungry?” Kai asks sometime later when the high of the dopamine wears off. “Let’s get room service.” He fumbles with some brochures on the nightstand and hands me the one with a menu, then slips from the bed to grab his cigarettes, pulls on his pants sans underwear, and walks over to the doors leading to the balcony to smoke.

He lingers on the very edge of the room without fully stepping out, his shoulder propped against the threshold, and I can see the tension lining his back even in this dim light.

I remember the night in Houston when he took me out to smoke on the roof.

He can’t do that now.

He’s America’s new obsession. A fresh scapegoat for the press. People crowd the venues where he’s slated to play to sabotage the ticket sales because he’s not like them, and for a second I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry instead of envious.

“Are you that indecisive?” Kai chuckles when he’s done with his cigarette.

“Too many choices,” I mutter from the bed. I’m sitting up now with my back leaning against the headboard, still naked and relaxed, and have the hardest time making sense of what’s on the menu.

“Gimme.” Kai throws himself on the sheets next to me, snatching the booklet in the process, then quickly scans the list of dishes.

“I’m feeling like lobster,” he declares.

“What? They have lobster here? At this hour?”

Kai puffs out a lungful of air and reaches for the phone without lifting his head off the pillow. “What kind of hotel do you think this is?” He makes a call to place an order before I get a chance to protest.

“Did you want something else?” He glares up at me after he hangs up.

“No. I don’t care.”

“Good. I’d be upset if I knew you flew all the way here just to eat.”

“That’s not why I flew here.” I pin him with my gaze.

He doesn’t say anything. He simply stares at me with those big tired, bottomless eyes and I allow myself the small luxury of staring back with no shame whatsoever.

He’s beautiful with his dark hair spread out across the white linen and his guard down.

“What are you looking at, college boy?” Kai rasps out a few heartbeats later. His voice is thick and low and makes me shiver.

“You.” I brush my palm across his bare chest, enjoying the warmth and the smoothness of his skin.

He grabs at my elbows and yanks me down and we’re a messy tangle of limbs next.

“You never said anything about the song,” he whispers as he rolls me onto my back.

“What exactly do you want me to say?”

“If you were to ask me not to share it with the world, I wouldn't.”

“A little too late now.”

“No. Not really.” Kai’s face is serious all of a sudden. “I can just cancel it. Tell the guys I changed my mind, tell Bodhi I’m having doubts, tell Bryan I no longer want to work with him.”

“Are you nuts?” I squeeze my hand around the curve of his waist. “No. Don’t do that.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

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