Page 156 of Faithful

I nod.

“You better rethink those words, babe.” His lips near my cheek. He’s almost completely forced me off the blanket and my ass is starting to feel the cold floor.

I quickly put out what’s left of the cigarette and toss it into the dark.

Kai makes a disappointed noise and then pulls me to him, and we remain like that, in an awkward embrace, for a few silent minutes.

“Do you remember what you called me before?” I ask as my mind starts feeding me glimpses of old memories.

“College boy.” A pause. “Then you graduated and told me I couldn’t call you that anymore.”

“Right. It would make little sense at this point.”

Moments later, Kai slowly removes his hands from me and shifts to sit back on his haunches.

I look at him, at the contemplative expression on his face.

“I’ve never told you this before and I think perhaps I wasn’t going to at first, but…” He licks his lips nervously. “I’ve been judged all my life, and when people assume shit about you based on what they see and not what they know, you develop this… sort of protective mechanism. You no longer talk straight up, and you turn yourself into a math problem and let them all wonder how to solve it. And when you do that for as long as I’ve been doing it, you forget what it’s like to just speak the truth in a way where it can’t be misconstrued.”

My mouth is suddenly dry and my cheeks finally feel the harsh sting of the winter air. “What are you trying to say, Kai?”

“I’m trying to say that I was a mess after breaking it off with… Charles. When Ava and I met, I was going under and had no one to talk to. She made a difference. She was the only real person in all that madness, but I didn’t know how to tell you that your sister was my friend, and that she meant a lot to me, and that having her in my life at that time helped me to get through some heavy shit, and that I miss her, and that half the songs onBlack Massare for her. And because I didn’t know how to articulate any of that, I thought showing you the things she liked and did would be a better way. So you could get to know the real Ava.” Kai’s voice wobbles. “I’m sorry I didn’t save her.”

I inhale. “Thank you for telling me this.” Exhale. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is in a way. I shouldn’t have been following her like a puppy on every ridiculous adventure she came up with. One of us needed to have a lick of common sense. It could have been me. Easily. But I was like a little starstruck kid watching a train going off the rails and clapping. It makes me feel unworthy of my life.”

“If I ask you to spend the rest of it… or whatever part of it you can… making it up to me?”

Kai tilts his head. Just once. Then, “Do you want to stay at my place until I leave for Europe?”

“Sure.” My stomach flutters. “Can I come see you when you’re there?”

“You better.” He rises to his feet next and gives me his hand. “We should probably go before we get hypothermia.”

There’s definitely more to discuss because some big waves were made earlier today in that banquet hall, but it’s not urgent, I realize.

We have plenty of time.

* * *

The next morning when I wake up in Kai’s loft cuddling his warm naked body, something in my chest grows unexpectedly hot and restless, and for a long moment, as I lie there underneath the blankets with my hands tangled in his hair, I try to think of another time I experienced a similar sensation.

Anticipation without fear.

I can’t.

Because we’ve never done this before. We’ve never publicly spoken about our relationship. That’s why being with him always felt incomplete.

It’s different now.

It’s full circle.

There’s a part of me that’s still a little terrified of the possible consequences of last night’s stunt. My father’s wrath is no small thing, after all. But frankly, he probably isn’t going to recover from this. Not to his former glory.

My mother was clearly upset with my choice of boyfriend too.

My coworkers and Lena Kalchin were ecstatic.

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