Page 182 of Deliverance

So I hug her.

I wrap my arms around her and rest her head on my chest and we sit for a long, long time. Motionless.

A fraction of me expects awkwardness, but there is none. There’s sadness, though.

“Do I get to drive my new car?” Drew asks eventually, her breath hot on my skin.

“Absolutely.” I untangle myself from her somewhat unwillingly and quickly go over the basics, my explanations mechanical, my voice almost too even.

She listens carefully, but the damage has already been done. The crack between us, no matter how small, is evident.

Once I finish spouting instructions, Drew starts the engine and slowly pulls out from the spot. We crawl through the parking lot until we reach one of the exits and then merge with evening traffic, a ribbon of lights snaking along the coast.

She’s uncertain on the road, which is normal for someone who hasn’t been behind the wheel for several years, but the farther we get from the marina, the happier she looks.

By the time we hit the streets of Laguna Beach, the failed proposal seems like a dream, something that didn’t really happen, something that doesn’t matter. At least, not at this particular moment, but I can still sense the heaviness of it. The silence on the way home speaks volumes too.

I overdid it with the ring.

I added more to her already full plate.

I rushed.

The Lexus comes to a stop in front of my house, the gate still closed, the lights off. The entire property is just a dark blob against the backdrop of a sky that’s littered with tiny stars.

Drew shuts down the engine and shifts in her seat to look at me. “Please don’t be mad…” Something in her tone tells me the blow is coming. “But I need to be alone right now.”

The edges of my vision jerk and swim. “Did I fuck it up?”

She cups my cheeks and her warmth instantly seeps into my bones. “No, you didn’t. This is the best Valentine’s Day of my life. I just have to think about everything this ring you gave me entails. I have to think about all the change it brings if I agree to accept it for good, and I fought so hard for everything I have that I’m adamant about not giving it up.”

“You don’t have to give anything up for me.”

“I love you, Zander. I really do. I didn’t even think I could, but I do… And that’s why I really, really need to figure it all out on my own.”

She’s made up her mind and there’s no changing it, so I let her go. I allow myself to believe in the stupid saying that if a person is meant to be with someone, fate will make sure to guide that person back.

“Okay.” I nod. “But take the car. It’s yours regardless of whether you keep the ring or not. Please.” And with that, I step outside and watch her leave.

28 Drew

I don’tdrive home to my loft. Instead, I drive straight to the studio.

My hands hurt and my foot spasms on the gas pedal, and I know it’s not because I’m not used to being behind the wheel but because my body is somehow rebelling against my brain’s decision.

The man bought you a Lexus and diamond ring and you pretty much left him.

What is wrong with you, Drew?

And that’s the thing. There’re so many things wrong with me that it feels as though agreeing to this proposal equates to making Zander pay full price for a defective item when he could find a perfect one elsewhere for much less.

Horrible comparison, but that’s exactly what the whole situation comes down to—not letting him do something he’ll regret later.

Fat tears slip across my skin, leaving wet, itchy trails, and to my horror, I realize this is the first time after I’ve specifically told myself I wouldn’t cry that I’m breaking my own promise. I’m upset over something so trivial compared to all those other silent tears of pain I had to hide while living with Rhys. It’s pathetic.

A shudder rakes me from the memories and I try to concentrate on the road as it flies by beneath the car. At some point, the silence, or rather, the lack of Zander’s voice and all the other noises that come along with him, begins to press against me.

The harsh emptiness is almost as agonizing as physical assault, and I wonder if this is how my life will unfold from here on out if I choose to return the ring. If I choose not to take a step forward, if I choose to set him free.

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