Page 71 of Severance

A knock on the door interrupts me. “You all right?” Mikah asks.

“I’ll be right out,” I say, returning the pills to where they were.

When I’m finished in the bathroom, we get ready in relative silence with very few words exchanged between us.

Mikah stops me when I’m on my way out. “I’ll be gone for a few days.” He reaches for my face and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m going to Seattle.”

“Okay.” I have the urge to kiss him before I leave, but something—maybe guilt or maybe the leftovers of my common sense—stops me.

Instead, I just say goodbye.

* * *

Campus is a blur.

Everything Mikah did to me last night pours into my mind from the confines of my secret drunk-and-repressed-memories box during philosophy. It’s all I think about until I get back home. I think about his calloused hands and his firm lips on me. I think about how raw he sounds when he comes, how his sweaty skin sizzles against mine, and how dirty and sinful and full of betrayal we were. I’m reliving every second of us while the professor is giving a lecture and the onslaught of feelings makes me so dizzy that I can barely think straight.

It’s a strange zombie-like mode with my body and my brain functioning separately. As if they’re two different entities with different desires and driven by different motives. One is still hurting and missing Dakota, and the other desperately wants to get lost in what Mikah has to offer.

I know it’s shameful and wrong to long for something we shouldn’t have done in the first place, but I can’t stop thinking about it. The need and confusion simmer deep in my veins.

On the way home, I stop by the liquor store to buy a pack of Marlboros. Then I smoke three of them in the parking lot, one after another, because I’m not sure how else to calm my brain down before seeing my father after what happened yesterday. He’d already left when I stopped by this morning to change before class. The thought of going to Jess’s instead crosses my mind, but her death penalty obsession scares me. She’s already sent me a bunch of hurtful texts because I left the rally yesterday, calling me a traitor and a bad friend. Facing her this soon after my renegade retreat seems worse than facing my parents.

When I get home, my mother is busy with dinner prep and my father’s car is missing from our driveway, which is a huge relief. Finally, the stars have aligned in my favor. Even if it’s just for one evening.

I saunter into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of juice.

“How was school?” My mother puts on a friendly smile and I’m wondering if my father told her about the fight we had yesterday. I can’t tell if she’s on my side or if she’s decided to play the pretend everything’s okay game because, in her mind, I’m hopeless.

“Fine.” I give her a one-shoulder shrug.

“Are you ready for finals?” She grabs the celery root and chops off the leafy ends.

“I think so.” I nod, watching her face relax.

If there’s one thing my mother’s great at, it’s cooking. I’m convinced her mind wanders off into a parallel universe when she’s preparing our meals, sort of like the way my mind checks out when I bake something. Or used to…since I haven’t baked anything in several months. I miss the feeling of accomplishment I get when I create something. Even if it’s just a cupcake.

“Mom?” I try to sound small and needy because I really want her to hear me this time.

“Yes, sweetie?” She stops cutting.

“Can you help me with a cheesecake?”

“Oh.” The ease on her face turns to surprise. “Sure.”

“Can we go to the store right now?”

My mother sets the knife aside and looks at the digital clock on the microwave. “How about tomorrow?” There’s hesitation in her tone, and I’m sure it has something to do with all the food sitting on the table in front of her that she’s planning to turn into a five-course dinner.

“I really want to go right now.”

I’m not sure if she understands, but I pray she does.

My mother grabs a paper towel to wipe off her hands. “Yes… Let’s go right now. Let me just put this chicken away and we’ll go.”

* * *

The next morning, I wake up to the sound of rain hitting against my window. The soreness between my legs is almost gone, but my mind’s still reeling from sex with Mikah.

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