Page 7 of The Meaning Of You

Davis breathed. He shit. He pissed. He slept. He grunted, which we’d quickly learned meant nothing. And he had reflexes, not all, but some, enough to catch you out if you didn’t understand what you were seeing. He was fed via a nasogastric tube, a catheter drained his bladder, and he shit like clockwork most mornings.

But that beautiful, complex, creative brain remained switched off. He didn’t laugh or cry or smile or think or love. He was slowly wasting away, his soul waiting until the scales tipped and his body couldn’t fight any longer. Waiting for that one big infection to finally take him, to set him free. Because Davis wasn’t living. Certainly not the way he’d define it. No thought. No higher responses. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

They called it a persistent vegetative state.

I called it a living fucking hell.

And I couldn’t do anything about it except wait and watch him slowly waste away.

I’d failed him, and for that, I could never forgive myself.

So how Lizzie or Samuel could forgive me, I’d never know.

Lizzie gave a weighty sigh and reached into her bag for a Kleenex. “You’d think I wouldn’t have any tears left.” She dabbed at her eyes, then began slowly shredding the tissue.

“Preaching to the choir, here.” I managed a weak smile. “Last weekend I decided to wash some of his clothes, freshen them up.” Lizzie considered me with a sympathetic smile, and I snorted. “Yeah, crazy, right?”

“No, not crazy.” She blew out a long sigh. “Hope can be crippling and stubbornly insistent.”

And paralysing.“I only got one load done when I found his favourite T-shirt in the pile,” I continued. “The one that says,Bisexual and I’m still not into you.”

Lizzie laughed. “He did love that one.”

I chuckled. “Yeah. He wore it every Pride. I cried for a solid twenty minutes and then threw everything back in the closet, unwashed, and closed the door.”

She studied me for a moment. “It’s okay to get overwhelmed. It’s okay to not be okay.”

I didn’t reply, glancing at Davis instead. I hadn’t been okay for eighteen months. None of us had.

Lizzie pushed her chair back and reached for her coat. “I’m gonna head off and give you some time.” She circled the bed and I stood to kiss her cheek. She cupped my face in one hand and brushed her thumb along my cheekbone. “Come for dinner next weekend. I miss you.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and promised.

She looked at me and sighed.

We both knew I was lying.

“Take care, son.” She turned to leave.

At the last minute, I remembered Jerry’s advice and reached for Lizzie’s arm. “Can I just say something?”

She paused and gave me a quizzical look. “Anything.”

“I should never have made that reservation, Lizzie,” I confessed, my voice choking. “Davis was consumed by his research like he always was, and I knew damn well he’d probably forget or be late. I don’t know why I did it. I’ve even wondered if I wanted him to be late so I’d have an excuse for an argument. I’ve thought about that a lot. I’m such an arsehole. It’s something I’d do. I could’ve made the reservation for eight when traffic was easier, but no, I had to make it at the worst time.”

Lizzie’s eyes brimmed and filled with pain. “Nick, don’t?—”

“What if I was testing him, Lizzie?” I insisted. “What if I wanted to see if he could put me first for once but all it did was put him under more pressure.That’swhy he was speeding.”

I love you. Please forgive me.

I almost choked on the memory as I pushed on. “Davis was trying not to disappoint me, and if only I hadn’t been such an arsehole about it, he would’ve been more careful. He would’ve taken that corner a lot slower. Jesus, Lizzie, why was he even on that road? It’s in the middle of nowhere. I was so mad at him that morning, I never bothered to ask what he was doing that day. If only?—”

“Stop it!” Lizzie eyed me with a barely contained fury that shocked the hell out of me. “Just stop it.” Softer, and she let out a sigh. “You don’t get to carry all the guilt for that day, you know.Iripped into him that morning, as well. I never told you he called me when he left, did I?”

My mouth dropped open. “What?”

Lizzie leaned back against the closed door. “Davis was upset that he’d forgotten your anniversary, and I really laid into him about being a selfish prick. Said he was lucky you’d hung around as long as you had.”

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